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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be sick of sympathetic looks?

30 replies

rpickett · 20/10/2010 17:25

I don't get it, if people ask me how old my DC's are (17mths and 27mths) and when my DC3 is due they respond with a very sympathetic look and always make a comment on how hard it must be.

I also always get the comments "oh you've got your hands full" or "your not gonna have anymore are you?" why is it any of peoples buisness, yes I'm young and my children are very close together but that's the way I like it, get all the nappy changes and night feeds out of the way instead of getting one child into school then having to do it all over again.

I am getting so sick of people sticking their noses in, general conversation is fine but the snide comments or looks are just not on.

My mums next door neighbour comments everytime she sees me that she feels sorry for me and I must be mad, and I just think how rude.

Ok so I may be mad in some peoples eyes but I am happy (for most part, roll on the end of night feeds).

AIBU?

OP posts:
Aloneinthehouse · 20/10/2010 17:28

YANBU Having a similar gap I got the same, it was v. annoying and still doesnt stop

doireallywant3 · 20/10/2010 17:36

i'm planning similar ages gaps.. dd1 is 145 months, dc2 due next may. i gave it a lot of thought and discussed endlessly with dh and we decided to have them close together as it will be nice for the kids ( we are both one of 3 and close in ages with siblings), and we get our lives back within about 7 years ish. i sometimes wonder what we are thinking but i stick to my guns and think we are doing the best thing. ignore what peopel say and think, what matters is that you and your family are happy. people are just busybodies with nothing better to do... sod 'em.

doireallywant3 · 20/10/2010 17:37

14 months, not 145 months! oops

NomDePlume · 20/10/2010 17:38

YANBU for being fed up, but YAB(a bit)U if you think that you're situation is unique for stupid comments

Mothers (in particular) can't win

You have one kid - you are judged as being selfish

You have more than 2 kids - you are judged as being greedy/shag happy/unable to control yourself

Having kids at the younger end of the scale - judged as being irresponsible, baby prob an accident, if more than one kid prob diff dads, prob on benefits, prob did it to get a council house etc etc etc

Having kids at older end of scale - judged for being 'too old' and selfish. Should've had them younger when you had more energy and weren't going to be pensioners when they're at University.

Working parent - selfish for putting career first and kids second.

SAHP - Selfish for not contributing financially to the home/society

The list is endless and boring

We can't win. We all get the looks, comments stupid, thoughtless judgements every day. Just for a million different reasons.

spookyhalloweenFluffypomkins · 20/10/2010 17:39

Yanbu,
dd1 6
ds1 4
ds2 3
dd2 2
Have actually had people say "oh god you poor thing"?

um NO! i didnt just wake to find them in my house one day. Infact,guess what i Chose to have them. Grin

NomDePlume · 20/10/2010 17:41

Oh yes, you haave kids with a small age gap people assume you are sexually/reproductively incontinent. Have a large age gap and people either assume that you a) had fertility issues to cause the big gap or b) are a selfish sod for not having them close together so they can 'play' (my eldest 2 are 18mo apart and HATED each other for the first 15yrs, so it's no guarantee!).

saffy85 · 20/10/2010 18:17

Agree with everything NomDePlume said. None of us can bloody win! You're not alone OP and while mine will have nearly 4 years between them when DC2 is born, the comments I've had have been similar, just at opposite ends of the "what were you thinking!" spectrum.

JamieLeeCurtis · 20/10/2010 18:21

When I see people with several DCs under 5 I do tend to think poor sod you've got your hands full, but that's just because I found that stage very hard myself.

I promise to never actually say it though .....

JamieLeeCurtis · 20/10/2010 18:23

... and actually - from what I've seen, DCs close together is physically hard, but then you get it over with more quickly, as you say, so I think you are quite rational

APixieInMyTea · 20/10/2010 18:24

YANBU

I got it today in the changing room.

Ds1 is 17months, crying coz he was bored. Understandably, changing/feeding rooms not the most exciting of places.

Ds2 is 5weeks, crying coz he was hungry and I didn't get my boob out fast enough.

I had, oh you poor thing, they sound like a handful, did you plan on having them close together, do you have help at home (whilst glaring at wedding ring finger) etc etc.

It doesn't get better, there's just more things to be commented/judged on as they get older.

Mishy1234 · 20/10/2010 18:28

YANBU. People often say daft things without thinking.

It IS hard though having very young ones close together (at least it is for me!), so I always have good look at other Mums in the same situation to see if I can pick up any tips!

GiddyPickle · 20/10/2010 18:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
rpickett · 20/10/2010 18:55

I totally agree parents can't win whatever situation you are in, guess I'm just hormonal so it's bothering me more at the moment.
Glad to see I'm not the only one who chose to have small age gaps Smile

OP posts:
TryLikingClarity · 20/10/2010 19:51

Small age gaps are a choice some people make. Others make a choice to have bigger gaps. Each to their own.

DS is 8 months old. Already I've had people tell me to start trying for another so he "won't be lonely" Shock

There are a few personal reasons why I can't have another child for at least 2-3 years. DH and I are 100% happy to not start trying for another 2 years or so, we think that'll work for our family.

When I tell people that DS won't have a sibling for another few years (unless we have an unplanned pregnancy) some people are outraged and almost shout at me that it's too big a gap!

Wtf? Sorry I thought that having a child at any stage was a choice we as a couple make? Bugger all to do with anyone else Biscuit

Firawla · 20/10/2010 19:59

yanbu! it is annoying i get those comments sometimes also that they are both boys and close in age, if people say things like "i feel sorry for you" it is quite rude!! but "got your hands full" and that kind of thing i would just ignore, maybe they are just thinking they would find it hard to cope themself, so they project it onto u that it must be so difficult.

NineTails20 · 20/10/2010 20:20

What really ticks me off is when people give me a sympathetic look when I tell them there's 8 years between DS2 and DS3; DS3 is a much loved and wanted surprise baby.

"Ooooh, it's like starting all over again, you poor thing!".

Maybe it is, but I wouldn't be without DS3 for the world. :)

ledkr · 20/10/2010 20:26

works the other way i have ds 25 24 and 20 and dd 8 and dd due in jan. Have had very negative response. grrrrr. its my dh first and only and we tried for 4 yrs WE ARE DELIGHTED. Alot of it is jealousy i just counteract it with my positivity and say "i cant wait"

piscesmoon · 20/10/2010 20:29

People make conversation! It is pretty meaningless. I am apt to say something along the lines of 'hard work' just to be friendly. Don't read so much in to it.

chinchi · 20/10/2010 20:30

YANBU.

I have DS 3, DD1 22 months and DD2 3 months. I get alot of 'ooh you have your hands full' and one smart a**e commented that I musn't have a TV in my house.

The best one came from a checkout girl at Asda- 'were any of your children mistakes?'. Cheeky mare.

mumofthreesweeties · 20/10/2010 20:33

Yanbu, I have fairly large gaps, DS12, DS5 and DD15months. The comments I get are outrageous and so intrusive; why are your gaps so big, you have been having babies now for 12 years blah blah, I honestly feel like saying STFU. How it's any of their business is beyond me. I have those big gaps because that is what DH and I preferred and our siblings are pretty close thank you very much. phew rant over

RumourOfAHurricane · 20/10/2010 20:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Sidge · 20/10/2010 20:38

It's just people making conversation, try not to take it too personally.

Many people just don't engage their brains before they put their mouth in motion.

OmniaParatus · 20/10/2010 20:40

YANBU. I have two DC's DS 3.2 and DD 19 months. I am 18 weeks with DC 3 and am constantly being asked 'was it planned?'

I am shortly going to snap and tell someone it's none of their bloody business!

As a matter of interest none of my DC were planned [hgrin]. DS was 3 years late, DD and DC3 much sooner than planned, but they all are loved so much. Tis very rude that everyone is so nosy though!

The3Bears · 20/10/2010 20:48

I feel bad for you but everyone gets it dont they?

I only have one child and people think Im mean not giving my ds a brother or sister and make out hes so spoilt etc but its your choice and just shrug off the people that comment about your children to you :)

IMoveTheStars · 20/10/2010 20:50

YABU. People are just being sympathetic and making conversation.

If it wasn't this, it'd be something else.