AIBU to not want to go visiting with new baby?

[giantpurplepeopleeater]

Background - I am 35 weeks pregnant. DP and I moved for work and live in London over 150 miles away from our families. We have a few friends here, but still keep in touch with many of our friends from back home who still live there. We visit home and stay with parents about once a month - sometimes more, sometimes less, and try to be there for occasions like birthdays etc when we can.

We don't drive, so visiting means a 30ish minute tube journey, then a 2 hour train journey and someone picking us up the other end. This costs us about £27 each return.

We are in the process of trying to move. Unfortunately this has not happened as quickly as we would have liked, and we will not be moving before the baby is due as we had hoped (and as everyone had been expecting). It looks now like it will bemore like January.

Whilst at home at the weekend, we visited both families and some friends. I was asked by quite a few people where I was intending to have my baby now - 'London' I replied. Almost all of the people who had asked responded with a comment about 'well how are we meant to meet baby?', 'suppose that means we will have to travel down to you then?', 'oh we won't get to see baby for ages' etc etc.

Baby is due middle of November, DP and I are already agreed that we will spend a week back home over Christmas. However DP is now questioning whether we should visit sooner than this. Particularly as he knows his Mother will never make the journey down here to see us, as she has never done it in the 4 1/2 years we ahev been living here.

I do not want to go. I do not want to take a new born baby on that incredibly long journey. I think I will need to rest. I think that if people really want to see Baby and come and support us that they will make the journey that we make numerous times a year. I think that as many of them drive it would be easier for them to come and see us rather than the other way round. I also think that if they really can't be bothered then they can wait till we go for Christmas (although really deep down I think 'f*ck them' if they can't be bothered).

However - I know that we chose to live this far away. And just becuase people don't have the time/ energy to make the journey doesn't mean they don't love us or care. I would also like ot have been in the position of having moved and giving birth close to home.

So AIBU not to want to go, or should I compromise with DP and make the trip a couple weeks after the birth (and about 3 weeks or so before we go back for Christmas)???

No you are fine. Do not go travelling that far with a tiny baby unless you want to.

If people really want to see the baby before you go back for Christmas they can come down and see you.

You stick to your guns. You do not want to have to be worrying about a trip away when you have just given birth and are moving in a few weeks.

Anyone who is being funny with you is being very selfish.

YANBU - don't go visiting with a newborn. Anyone in their right minds would realise that will be way too much for you or him/her. You need to rest and focus on your baby. don't worry about your faraway friends/rellys. They'll be there to see you if they really want to.

YANB at all U. If my lame, 82 year-old MIL can spend half a day taking three separate bus journeys in order to see her DGS, nobody else on the planet has any excuse whatsoever. Fair enough if they can't be arsed to come to you would rather wait until Christmas to meet the baby, but they should NOT be putting any pressure on you to take a newborn on an epic journey by public transport.

YANBU You will most likely not feel up to it that soon! We did visit relatives (2 hours away by car) at 2 weeks but wish I hadn't as it was very tiring and stressful for me and the baby.

Next time I'm staying in bed as long as possible.

At least wait to make the decision after the birth

Honestly - if you give people an inch... Stay put - no way you should go anywhere. If they're so desperate to see you, they come to you!

Just explain that this is the perfect opportunity for them to get used to coming to you, so that as DC gets older they can vists you again! That way you won't be beholden to travel that distance with a toddler either!

I speak from experience. I travel to visit my family in Australia... so I do a 24 hour flight with a baby/toddler. Then when I get there, friends ask if I'll come and visit them - it's only a 5 hour journey! I've reached the point where I tell them that I've just done 24hours - they can do 5hours. If they say it's too far, I remind them that it's the same distance for me - and clearly if they cared they'd come and see me... nothing like a guilt trip for getting my way!

YANBU not to want to travel with a tiny baby, especially not on the tube and train. Having said that I think the people who expressed disappointment about not being able to see the baby were probably just being friendly and interested. If they care about you it is natural that they would have preferred it if they could visit you easily (and perhaps more than once) when the baby was born. If they want to come and see the baby when it is very tiny they will have to travel to you. Closer family members and friends probably will. But the rest will be happy to wait until Christmas when the baby will only be about 6 weeks anyway. As for your MIL hopefully the prospect of seeing her newborn grandchild will be enough to encourage her to do the journey to London. If not then she'll have to wait until Christmas that is her choice (and her loss).

Good luck!

Stick to your guns!

We're in a similar situation (though we do drive) and always seem to make the effort, but since I've been heavily pregnant and less keen to travel we've been surprised how many people DO make the effort to visit us. I think we'd been making it too easy for them before!

I'm due today, so time will tell what happens after the birth.

And this could be the ideal opportunity for your mother in law to miraculously realise that she CAN make the journey... It's amazing what a great incentive a newborn grandchild can be .

Just a thought, if they come to you, will they expect you to put them up and cater for them and generaly run round after them?

Thank you all for your posts. In my hormone addled state I have been getting quite upset about this and not been able to communicate how I feel very weel with DP!

I think he thought I was being quite OTT about not wanting to go - especially as we make the trip with not much effort/ no problems every few weeks!!!

I will show him this thread when he gets home later. Why is it that an argument always seems more valid when you have people backing up your side?!?!?!?

I do think DP will be quite sad about it. Especially because of his mother. His Dad will visit - I'm usre of it. But will probably drive down without her [hsad]

I agree with everyone else.

YANBU. We were in a similar position, in that both of our families live 250 miles away, and have always been the ones to do the visiting. After the birth there was no way I could have contemplated making that sort of tube/train/car journey with a newborn. Besides you say your baby is due the middle of November, which means it could easily be almost December by the time it arrives. Christmas is soon enough, and may still be utterly knackering.

FWIW my mother had visited me twice in the 13 years I lived in London but she made it down when the boy was 7 weeks old, and again a few months later, so it can change :)

Majafa - it is very possible that some may expect to be put up. Particularly our parents. However, I know for a fact if my parents came they would fuss around us and not the other way round. DP's Dad might be a little more difficult - may have to speak to DP about it.

The journey by car isn't too bad approx 2 hours - so possible to come and return in a day I suppose. Although some might find it difficult.

Knowing most of my friends/ family - they would not expect it or ask rather than assume. And they would be very good about looking after themselves.

I think the issue is that based on past experience much of DP's family and friends won't be in a position to/ won't be bothered to come at all. I guess that is why he has his heart set on makng the trip!

YANBU

YANBU.

Having a baby changes your life and priorities more than you can imagine before you have children. I think people making comments about how are we meant to see baby? are being very selfish. They have got used to you visiting very frequently and assume you will continue. I hate travelling so can see both sides but I would never expect someone to travel when they have had a new baby.

Say no, people can wait and if they get arsey with you they are in the wrong.

Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy.

BTW if you have a section you won't be going anywhere for a good few weeks and might not feel like travelling even at Christmas.

Yanbu

Apart from the issue with friends/family visiting, has your DP thought about a train journey with a baby and everything else you need?

Even best case scenario of breastfeeding, you need nappies, clothes, pushchair and or sling, car seat if traveling in a car to/from train station at either end, carrycot/travel cot if you want the baby to sleep while you're away... don't even think about sterilisers and bottles/formula if you for some reason can't bf...

And obviously you'd be busy with the baby... so he'd have to carry it all BY HIMSELF!

YANBU.

I was in a similar situation we moved 2 1/2 hours from family and friends as DH got made redundant and couldn't find work at home. I had DD1 in July and was made to feel guilty by DH's family as 'we won't get to see her for ages'.
My family drove up to see us the day after she was born - they had only visited 3 times in the 3 years we have been here so they may suprise you! DH's family however have not been at all yet and we are constantly getting phone calls and messages asking when we are back next. We did go and see them about 2 weeks after she was born and now go back once -twice a month. It is hard work though and upsets dds routine a bit so considering going less now and we have a car so it would be pretty hard to do it on the train just because of all the equipment you need with a newborn.

Basically if they want to come and see the baby they can make the effort to come to you - my 85 yr old grandma with bad arthritis managed to do the journey here and back in one day to meet her. If they don't come it is their loss and by christmas you will probably be in more of a routine and the 6 weeks will fly by.

I love it when they are this easy.

YADNBU at all.

NEXT!!!!!

Have we got another unanimous result here?

YANBU - as others have said, with a due date of mid November and a first baby, you could very easily be practically in December before you give birth. Therefore, your husband is planning a three hour + commute for a week old baby and a newly post-natal woman.

Personally, I think you're being ambitious with commiting to Christmas. Travelling on public transport close to Christmas, trying to breastfeed a newborn when you've not really got the knack of it, carrying all the stuff that comes with a baby... urgh, no.

In your position, I'd say a definite no to the earlier trip and, tbh, would be holding back on commiting to the Christmas one until I'd had the baby. Plan for the worst case scenario here, which is a section in very late November/early December. Three weeks after that, you won't be up to that journey! And no-one who cares for you would expect you to be!

Agree with LizLemon, don't forget that the baby could be late, so could be born at the beginning of December. The baby will still be little and cute between 4 and 6 weeks old anyway, so please please wait until Christmas to go, it is not fair on any of you to have to make that kind of journey so soon. If MIL really wanted to see the baby, she would make the effort. Am a bit that she wouldn't even come if the 'effort' involved just getting into a car that FIL was driving for 2 hours, am a bit on your behalf.

Your DP's dad will drive to see you, but not bring DP's mum with him? For real?? [hshock]

YADNBU, you've lived there for 4/5 years, it's time people started getting used to it - "where are you having the baby?" indeed! Well, not several hours away from home would be the answer.

Yes you chose to move away, but they also seem to be choosing not to travel and visit you. It's entirely their choice as I see it.

FWIW, when my sister (who 'chose' to live 4 hours away) had her baby, my parents travelled down that day and spent about 4 days in a local B&B (not wanting to intrude on sister and BIL's privacy), and visited in the daytime when sister said it would be a good time. My parents are ace!

On a more general point, I do think it's very unfair that families expect the ones who move away to do all of the travelling, with the time and financial burden that entails. It's not about who owes who anything, or whose 'fault' the situation is, it's simply about wanting to maintain regular contact with your loved ones, wherever they are.

D

Yep, it's unanimous. YANBU.

You'd need a team of Sherpas to carry all yours & baby stuff on the train. Feeding, whichever way you do it, will be a complete pita.

The Rules are they visit you for a few hours, they bring food/cook for you, let you catch up on some sleep and then bugger off.

Make no plans for Christmas unless it involves chauffeur service.