AIBU to not want to go visiting with new baby?

[giantpurplepeopleeater]

Background - I am 35 weeks pregnant. DP and I moved for work and live in London over 150 miles away from our families. We have a few friends here, but still keep in touch with many of our friends from back home who still live there. We visit home and stay with parents about once a month - sometimes more, sometimes less, and try to be there for occasions like birthdays etc when we can.

We don't drive, so visiting means a 30ish minute tube journey, then a 2 hour train journey and someone picking us up the other end. This costs us about £27 each return.

We are in the process of trying to move. Unfortunately this has not happened as quickly as we would have liked, and we will not be moving before the baby is due as we had hoped (and as everyone had been expecting). It looks now like it will bemore like January.

Whilst at home at the weekend, we visited both families and some friends. I was asked by quite a few people where I was intending to have my baby now - 'London' I replied. Almost all of the people who had asked responded with a comment about 'well how are we meant to meet baby?', 'suppose that means we will have to travel down to you then?', 'oh we won't get to see baby for ages' etc etc.

Baby is due middle of November, DP and I are already agreed that we will spend a week back home over Christmas. However DP is now questioning whether we should visit sooner than this. Particularly as he knows his Mother will never make the journey down here to see us, as she has never done it in the 4 1/2 years we ahev been living here.

I do not want to go. I do not want to take a new born baby on that incredibly long journey. I think I will need to rest. I think that if people really want to see Baby and come and support us that they will make the journey that we make numerous times a year. I think that as many of them drive it would be easier for them to come and see us rather than the other way round. I also think that if they really can't be bothered then they can wait till we go for Christmas (although really deep down I think 'f*ck them' if they can't be bothered).

However - I know that we chose to live this far away. And just becuase people don't have the time/ energy to make the journey doesn't mean they don't love us or care. I would also like ot have been in the position of having moved and giving birth close to home.

So AIBU not to want to go, or should I compromise with DP and make the trip a couple weeks after the birth (and about 3 weeks or so before we go back for Christmas)???

Stay put, they all know where you live. You never know, it may be that you feel up to visiting earlier. Great, in which case you can arrange it then. Absolutely do not promise anyone anything. Say no and see how it goes.

YANBU

Don't do it.

Why on earth should you go and see them with a new baby? They should be falling over themselves to come to you. It took me about 8 weeks to get the energy/drive to take my son into work (it was a pain for me to get there) and only now at three months have we taken him to a relative's house (by car!) rather than have them come to us.

Fetchez - its not his Dad's fault I'm afraid. His Mom doesn't like going out much - in some ways I understand as she is very self conscious - but she will make the effort to go visit her friends/ go shopping when she wants to.

I don't begrudge her at all. I understand that this is just the way she is, and has been ever since I first met her. I do, however, feel sorry for DP who loves her and wants his family to be involved.

Thank you all.

You have made me feel much better about this - and raised some very good points which I should really talk to DP about.

I hadn't thought about the fact that Baby might be late, I might need a CS, or that DP would have to transform into the incredible hulk to carry all the stuff we need. All very reasonable arguments for not going....... reasonable enough for DP to change his mind!!!!!

YANBU

You don't know how you will feel until after you have had the baby. As has been mentioned you may end up having a section and if baby is late you won't feel like travelling at christmas, so don't even commit to that yet.

If people are that desperate to see the baby they can travel to you, if they won't but still complain then they are selfish [hangry]

To the op's dp, you have to prioritise your dp and tiny baby over anyone else, yes, including your mother. If she wants to see the baby that badly she can get into the car and travel.

YADNBU. In fact i think you might be being a bit too accommadating. I would be actively discouraging people from visiting at all unless you knew they are going to be a help to you. As the others said the baby is probably only going to be 4 weeks at Christmas so its not that long for people to wait particularly if the alternative is them all arriving to stay with you. I had my first abroad and my parents came over when she was 3 weeks, and they were a great help but it was nice to have the few weeks to find our feet ourselves.
As for Christmas ahve a think how your are going to manage the trip? There will be a lot of stuff particularly if you are ff. If bf you will have to think how comfortable you will be feeding on public transport. At 4 weeks both of mine fed a lot still and my DD was still quite difficult to latch on. Now I don't give a shit about getting my boob out on tubes, trains whatever but not everyone is like that. If you want to go and family is so keen to see you can you not organise someone to drive down and pick you up (maybe FIL since he has no prob with the drive normally) he can even come the night before, and maybe someone from your side would drop you back. Its a big favour but I know both mine and DH's dad would do it for us (well for DGC).

GPPE- Oh I seeee! That is very sad for you and your DP, but not your problem and you mustn't worry about it.

They are all mad expacting you to make that journey with a new baby. What if the trains breakdown and you are stranded in the cold with a new born - stuff that. Just tell them politely that you will be back for christmas but they are more than welcome to come and see you all before then.

However if they do come, let them know where the kettle is and show them the take out menus! Do not be looking after them!

Your DP, bless him, is being a bit over-optimistic, perhaps. But that will sort itself out. You might feel like going (I think it's do-able, did it myself with 2nd child), but I'd put cold hard cash on your not wanting to go.

Your DP's mum is doing what is what's commonly known as cutting of her nose to spite her face. Why can't she jsut jump in the passenger seat? She may also change her mind when the baby is born.

Ditto any other lazy family or mates.

YANBU.

Your relatives live 150 miles away? It's hardly the moon, is it. Don't they have round wheels yet there? Ridiculous. YANBU

Also worth remembering that you will probably have stiches and may still be sore,the idea of sitting on a vibrating train within 6 weeks of ds2 or 3s birth (ds1 was a section)makes me wince even now and ds3 will be nine next month!

Additionally to be honest (and probably being a bit precious here)there is no way I would have exposed any of mine to winter colds etc on public transport in December.I also found it very difficult to settle to sleep anywhere other than home at this date,bear in mind you will definately be up in the night and the added stress of having to keep the baby quiet for others.

Your dp sounds a sweetie and onviously wants his paprents to see the baby asap but on sheer practicalities I think you may be being a little over optimistic

I am so relieved that you all think IANBU!!!

I really thought many would agree with friends/ family that new baby is an important addition to the family and that we should make an effort to include them at this special and unique time. I also thought there would be at least a few who thought that as we had moved it is up to us to make the effort to inlude the family.

So many good points from all of you. This is my first so I am completely naive about what it will be like for the first few weeks. Thank you to all those who have shared their experiences - an eye opener for me I can assure you!!

Lolalocket - I have already asked my brother if he would come and collect us for Christmas rather than us having to get on the train. He is checking his shifts at work but was more than happy to help

giantpurpleeater ,it is important that the baby is welcomed by the family but it doesn't have to be immediately and your baby's health and your health come first.Those first few weeks are wonderful I do hope some of our comments haven't scared you!

I wouldn't be doing the journey at Christmas either. At best you will have a 6 week old and I still think you desrve to have others making that kind of journey especially as you have to go by train and family have access to cars

yanbu I went to visit my nephew in a children's hospice 4 weeks after my second dd. It was nice to see him and nice for him to see dd but for me I properly shouldn't have done it I was still on some pain killers and had an affection in the wound so was on antibiotics. But the staff did fuss round me a bit and all meals were provided and lot to do for dd1.