I am sooooo angry with my mother

[Love2bamom]

When I was 5 my mom put me in boarding school, I hated it and made myself pass out, my lips and fingertips would go blue and the school would rush me to hospital. As soon as my mom came I was right as rain. I could go home every weekend but my mom preferred to fetch me once a month and forgot to fetch me on Friday, on Saturday I called and asked her to come fetch me she said no that she was too hung over and would see me the weekend after. I remember sitting in the back of the car looking at her (before boarding school age) and thinking that she was the most beautiful amazing person and how much I loved her, the bond was broken. Then life happened I was in boarding school until I was raped by a date and lost my virginity, eventually I concocted a plan to fall pregnant at the age of a ripe 15 years, just to escape the boarding school I was at and having to live with my mother. My baby was 3 months old when the baby's father and I broke up(surprise, surprise). My mother told me I had until 4 o'clock to be out of her house. I don't know how I survived I had just turned 16, I managed to get a flat (how someone entered into a contract with a 16 year old I will never understand, but I was grateful, I had nothing I moved in with a single bed mattress and my baby's carry cot, I bought take aways to keep the polystyrene to eat off of, I hired a nanny to watch my child at night while I waitressed and during the day did my Gr 12 through correspondence. I am now 33 married and have another child (4), my mother lives in a flat on our property and tells whoever will listen that she lives in the servants quarters, and can't believe that her child that she had such a hard time raising treats her this bad, I wish she would look at my life and look at her life and just say SORRY!!!

Chuck your "mother" out, she is not any sort of mother she is a waist of space

I'm astounded that you still have a relationship with her at all. Where was your dad in all of this?

After that dreadful upbringing, what on earth led you to have come and live with you?

Boot her out and never regret it for a moment. You have no responsibility for her. Live is short - enjoy it.

"have her come and..." Sorry

Agree with everyone else.

Good on you for succeeding. Your mum sounds like a right cow. I'd be tempted to set her straight

Wow. I admire you for coming through everything and being big enough to let her be a part of your life despite everything she did. However, I fear this is eating you up in a big way and clearly your anger is growing rather than subsiding which isn't a great situation.

YANBU to be so angry, but might I suggest you talk to her and try and explain your anger rather than letting it fester?

What an amazing and strong person you must be to have got through this.

I think you need to have this out with her, and if the answers aren't satisfactory, suggest she finds alternative living arrangements. Don't let her upset your life any further.

I am with those who say to boot the nasty witch out. You owe her nothing as she has given you nothing.

I am so sorry for the awful experiences that you have had, but I don't think you will gain any sort of apology or 'closure' from your mother. She will have rewritten the past in her own mind and will be unwilling/unable to see that she has done anything wrong. She is utterly selfish and will remain that way.

The best thing you can do for yourself is to cut her out of your life, so she can't affect you anymore. Then concentrate on the relationships you have with your DCs and DH. These are the important people.

why on earth is she still in your life?

Look, you have a choice to make. Either boot her out and close the door to her or make peace with your past and build a relationship with her. It does you no good to have her in your life while feeling such rage. Make a choice.

And either way, confront her with your feelings about your upbringing.

Thank you for all the feedback and advise, I feel like I need to be the better person I am religious and believe to honor you parents and besides that I love her!!!!

I have tried speaking to her re all this but she doesn't talk she screams and becomes ugly (spit flying etc), I realize she will never acknowledge my feelings on this but it's just the injustice of it all, I wrote this because I am so angry and I am trying to work it out.

At the end of the day she has a son who is phenomenal in business and earns a truckload of money but is 42 and cannot keep a relationship going he is drop dead gorgeous but is scared that any women that comes into his life will be his mother.

She has another daughter that had a child by a man who left her almost instantly and she married another guy they were married for 7 years and had another son and when my sister became restless she left the kids with the husband and bolted.

Then there is me, and believe it or not I'm the well adjusted one, who has been with my husband for 10 years, married for 6 and our son is now 4.

It just astounds me how she is soooo blind!!!

Anyway, I will never turn my back she is my mother and as I always tell my daughter 17 and son they can live with me until they are 53 and I will always be there for them they will always have a home they will never feel the fright I did, even if they do the worst things in the world, I will never turn my back.

Sorry if I don't know all the net lingo, I'm South African and this is the first time I have ever spoken to anybody on any sort of forum.

Thank you guys so much for listening to my sop story I really appreciate it, you will never know the reinforcement your responses has given me, even if she will never admit it you guys have explained that I am not being unreasonable in what I feel and now I can heal!!!!

You sound like a truelly wonderful, brave , forgiving woman and a fantastic mother.

You really do sound a wonderful person, and I do not say that lightly!
Sorry to sound nosey, but how on earth did she end up living with you?

Sorry someone asked where my dad was, my mom and him divorced when I was 1 and he eventually committed suicide 10 days after my daughter was born but I only met him when I was 10 and after that I only saw him 3 additional times so there was not much of a relationship there either - no allies.

What happened was not your fault.

You sound amazing, and so lovely.

To Bloodymary:

She had a relationship with a 19 year old boy (she was 58), and he was beating her up, I moved her into 3 places and she kept on taking him back and running back to me with black eyes and eventually I said enough and moved her into the flat on my property and told the guy if he put his feet there I would shoot him, he was also scared of my husband (he is quite a big guy).

WOW, you are quite a woman.
I am afraid that I have no advice to give, but good luck for the future.
I am sure that good karma will come your way due to all of this.
Love and light.

It is very nice of you to look after your mum like this, but what others have said is true.

She will NEVER believe she has done anything wrong.

You either have to find someway to live with that and her, or get her out of your life. You will go crazy otherwise.

In the short term, it is still probably a good idea to boot her out for a while, and let your contact with her be on your terms for once. All this time it has been all about her. When are you going to put yourself first?

You are probably right but she is getting old she is already 61 and I'm afraid that her health will take a turn, I think that having told the whole world and getting it off my chest has helped and you know maybe all I need to do is accept that she is who she is and the situations is what it is and as long as I'm alive it will never be different and just show her love and companionship in her old age, life is too short and if she had to die just after I booted her from my home "OMG" can you imagine what that would do to my already crowded mind!!

You are awesome. A better person than I.

If she says anything less than utterly grateful for all the help she has given you.....

Tell her you will print off a copy of this thread and give it to them, to read at their leisure.

You need to set her damned straight. a last chance, and tell her that you only have her here because of your beliefs, not because of anything you 'owe' her.

You need to get a few bullet points ready in your head and use them as come backs.

Oh like the time you left me in boarding school cos you were too pissed to pick me up?

Or the time you booted me and my baby out of the house?

Tell her if she doesn't like living with you, she is welcome to go and live with any of her other children.... except none of them would have her.

Time to stop taking shit from this woman.

In an ideal world you could cut off all contact. That is always an option, she is big enough to look after herself.

Chuck it all back at her

"You are probably right but she is getting old she is already 61 and I'm afraid that her health will take a turn"

Haven't you heard of the phrase only the good die young, she'll go on forever...

Mind you, you could always put her in a home.... get her back for the boarding school...

LOL wouldn't that be fun....

61 isn't old any more - sorry, but you've got at least a decade, possibly 2 - I'd say best you start putting your foot down. You are not a little girl who is powerless anymore. You hold the upper hand, you are doing her a favour by taking her in.

What does your DH feel about this? Would he back you up and tell her to start acting with a bit more grace if you don't feel able to?

BTW - not sure if they have them in SA (assuming that's where you are) but could you look at a retirement complex? A sort of half way between totally independent living and a care home. Might be ideal for her, esp if the younger man is no longer around. (Your brother might be prepared to chip in for the costs as well)