I am sooooo angry with my mother

[Love2bamom]

When I was 5 my mom put me in boarding school, I hated it and made myself pass out, my lips and fingertips would go blue and the school would rush me to hospital. As soon as my mom came I was right as rain. I could go home every weekend but my mom preferred to fetch me once a month and forgot to fetch me on Friday, on Saturday I called and asked her to come fetch me she said no that she was too hung over and would see me the weekend after. I remember sitting in the back of the car looking at her (before boarding school age) and thinking that she was the most beautiful amazing person and how much I loved her, the bond was broken. Then life happened I was in boarding school until I was raped by a date and lost my virginity, eventually I concocted a plan to fall pregnant at the age of a ripe 15 years, just to escape the boarding school I was at and having to live with my mother. My baby was 3 months old when the baby's father and I broke up(surprise, surprise). My mother told me I had until 4 o'clock to be out of her house. I don't know how I survived I had just turned 16, I managed to get a flat (how someone entered into a contract with a 16 year old I will never understand, but I was grateful, I had nothing I moved in with a single bed mattress and my baby's carry cot, I bought take aways to keep the polystyrene to eat off of, I hired a nanny to watch my child at night while I waitressed and during the day did my Gr 12 through correspondence. I am now 33 married and have another child (4), my mother lives in a flat on our property and tells whoever will listen that she lives in the servants quarters, and can't believe that her child that she had such a hard time raising treats her this bad, I wish she would look at my life and look at her life and just say SORRY!!!

Tell her if the flat is that bad you will pitch her a tent instead !!

I have brought up the subject so I am not sure where we will go from here.... My husband always sticks by me, but she walks all over him as I bought the house before marrying him she thinks he has no say, also being Afrikaans we were brought up to respect your elders and children were seen and not heard, so I think from that point of view it is hard to stand up against this force. She knows I'm fed up but my mother is emotionally cripple and does think the world owes her something, she went to look at one place but it was so small it fit into the lounge of my flat she lives in now, when I asked her a month later if she is not looking for a place anymore she said that the experience terrified her and that she is so scared now of going out and looking for something else, I am giving myself another month to figure out what I am still prepared to do.

You guys really saw right through me in that I feel like a little girl when dealing with her, her word is always the last and even when I stand up against her I am still afraid of that hand across the face.

I never thought I would get this type of a response from people, I just wanted to get it out....thank you

Wow you are an amazing woman, your family are all very lucky to have you.

I just wanted to add, and I hope this isn't morbid, that in literally her last dying breaths, my mother told her partner that she was dying without forgiving herself for things she had done against me. There's no glory in that remark, but in some ways, it was the sorry I had waited a long time for. And she could never have said it in any other circumstances.

I suppose what I mean is, people sometimes do know how awful they have been but just can't say it.

I think you are spot on !!!!

I think you sound like a lovely person, far nicer to your mother than she deserves.

Just wanted to add that just because she is living on your property, it doesn't mean that you have to have regular contact with her. You can see her as much or as little as you choose and her opinion on that really is of no consequence. You have provided her with a home and security and that is very kind of you, but it might be better for you emotionally to only have contact through a 3rd person.

My mum always said to change what you can and accept what you can't change. You know your mum will always be the same, so the only thing you can alter is how you deal with her. I would advise you not to give her the opportunity to complain about the wonderful things you are doing for her. Tell her she can take it or leave it, but this is all she will be getting from you. When you do have to communicate, perhaps email or get someone else to pass on a message.

Best wishes for the future x

i

Incredible story, and you sound like an incredible woman too. I hope you can have the happy ending you so richly deserve.

Anyways it sounds like ShrineOfCrazyDemon is bored of hearing my sob story so I will end it there.

Here is to living for the moment and again thank you all for listening and all the advice I have received.

I hope that the best day in your past is the worst day in your future!!

Guns are a big part of South African ranching culture, and very low-paid domestic servants, which is lucky in a way because it meant that this young woman could afford to raise a child by working hard as a waitress. That would simply be impossible in most places I can think of, but shows admirable self-reliance and fortitude. So I'm sure you will come good in the end, Love2bamom.

my mum was a horrible person but mostly due to mental illness,she had no time for me unless to bring me down,I was the lowest of the low to her.Mum died when I was 22 and believe it or not I miss her every day,I can understand your feelings of love for your mum.

what's wrong with you Shrine and Eleanor?? Not nice at all.

OP, you sound like you've come through a tough time and done really well for yourself. I lived in SA region for a few years so totally understand the cultural context in which this happened and sort of see why you somehow feel bound to respect this woman who treated you so badly.

I think you'll feel a lot more at peace with everything if you can accept that your mum may never apologise and/or believe that she did anything wrong. You need to think about yourself, what you want, what your family needs and look after you. Your mum let you down when you were a child and would probably let you down again.

Perhaps see a councilor to help you work out all these feelings and help you get what you want out of your life, having come through all that.

Good luck

You are amazing !- but she will never change her views unless you open her eyes tell her your side of her life ! if she doesn't want to view the past from your perspective she has a choice. I know you love her - but you must communicate and get her to switch to receive and not transmit.!! Old people do that anyway - but if she values her life with you now - she will listen to your viewpoint if you tell her that this is just how it is from your eyes - and it changes nothing - you can both have your views of the same events and maybe respect will follow. -

Are there any of your mother's relatives alive? See what you can find out about your mother's past.

She may have had a bad childhood herself which has contributed to the horrible treatment you have had from her, Love2.

If it were me I would rent her a small flat, drive her over, drop her off and drive away with a cheery wave,

I agree with RunawayPumpkin-treat her the way that she treated you as a DC and keep an emotional distance between you.