Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To resent being treated like a cleaning service?

48 replies

Pushmeinthepool · 18/10/2010 09:22

My DH is great in many ways; he's is a lovely bloke and a fantastic dad, and I love him to pieces. However, in the house he is a different story and I am fed up with having to clean up after him.

He works full time and I'm a SAHM to our 3 children, so I'm happy to do the majority of housework, washing, cooking etc. What I do resent is having to constantly tidy up after him, and him thinking it's okay to just leave things lying around.

For example every night after a bath or shower he leaves his towel lying somewhere around the house, whether it's on the sofa, or on (usually my side of) our bed, or on the banister. And he never moves it. If I don't put it away he will then get a clean towel the following night and leave it lying around somewhere else. Another example is each evening he leaves half drunk glasses of beer or coke, empty cans and empty crisp and sweet packets in the living room. I have to then move them the next morning as our 14 month old DS gets hold of them.

He just doesn't seem to see that things need doing; if I don't load the dishwasher and clean the kitchen down after dinner each night then it stays like that until the morning. He will literally pile plates and cups and bowls up and up and up. He thinks he's been clever if he piles them all up so they fit on the worktop above the dishwasher. Another sore point is our dog; it's his dog, and I made it clear when we got her that I had more than enough people to clean up after and that she is his responsibility. Well guess who ends up cleaning up after her? Me! He would leave and leave and leave her bedding and never clean the floor around her bed. He literally thinks it's okay to just get home, do what you want and just sleep and live in mess. He will walk past piles of dry washing on the stairs and not take it up. If I ask him to take it up, he "forgets". Shoes and coats are left wherever he happens to be when he takes them off.

What annoys me too is that if he is looking after the children, he will just shut the living room door, sit in the chair watching sport and let DS trash the living room. He won't do a thing. He will get the kids lunch but won't wipe DS's highchair or tidy away the kids plates and cups, he just thinks he's done his bit by sitting in the house with the children, whilst of course if I'm home with them I'm constantly doing things to keep on top of the housework. Yesterday he was "watching" DS whilst I hoovered upstairs, and suddenly DH appeared in our room playing his guitar and he'd just left DS downstairs and said I could watch him while I hoovered and just pop down to check on him every couple of minutes.

I really am getting fed up with the lack of respect TBH; like I said, I am happy to do housework, but I resent having to clean up everything of his before I start doing any. I've done strikes before and they don't work, I really don't know what to do now. Last week I kept gathering up all his stuff and dumping it on his side of the bed, but all he did was get into bed, kick it off onto the floor, and leave it all everywhere again the next day!!

OP posts:
oldenoughtowearpurple · 18/10/2010 09:29

In what way exactly is he a lovely bloke and a fantastic dad? Sounds more like a selfish, lazy arse to me.

Scuttlebutter · 18/10/2010 09:32

Has he always been this way or did he turn into a lazy trainwreck after you married him?

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 18/10/2010 09:41

Agree with oldenough - there isn't much fantastic Dad-ness going on if he is ignoring his child when he should be caring for him and won't do even the most basic cleaning up after him.

He is treating you like a mug and you need to have a serious talk.

blackwell · 18/10/2010 09:41

Go back to work. At the moment, he doesn't have to do anything because he has an all-singing, all-dancing domestic appliance that will do everything - you. Being a SAHM is fine if you've got a partner who respects your contribution but he clearly doesn't. I would never treat someone I love like that.

Pushmeinthepool · 18/10/2010 09:46

Blackwell, I am seriously considering getting a job 2 or 3 evenings a week, so that way I can just sort myself out and leave him to do everything. I would get home to a tip though, and nothing would be ready for the next day, so I would probably end up getting school uniforms and packed lunches ready at 11pm.

OP posts:
fedupofnamechanging · 18/10/2010 09:47

Okay, the way I see it is that the job of a SAHM is to look after the children and by extension, the home, while the father is out at work. The SAHP is under no obligation to do all the washing cooking etc for their partner, especially if it isn't appreciated.

I would sit my husband down and have a serious talk about how his behaviour is unacceptable. I would give him one last chance to change his behaviour.

If he doesn't, then I would get rid of the dog. it's not yours, he wanted it, promised to look after it and hasn't. In my house, it would be gone already.

I would also stop cooking for him and washing his clothes unless they were put in the laundry basket. Get a basket for your bedroom.

This is the sort of behaviour you would see in a teenager. Remind him you are your childrens mother, not his!

blackwell · 18/10/2010 09:48

Do you wash his clothes, or do anything else just for him and not the kids? If so, why?

Pushmeinthepool · 18/10/2010 10:02

I do everything really; all the cooking, washing, ironing etc. He won't even put a pile of his own, freshly ironed clothes away, and instead leaves them on his bedroom floor until they're all creased and ready for the washbasket again.....

Karma, I think I'm going to have to look at getting rid of the dog. I love her but she is hard work. He walks her but that's about it; her food bowl is currently filthy as he couldn't be bothered to stack it in the dishwasher at the weekend, so that's yet another thing for me to sort out today.

OP posts:
Pushmeinthepool · 18/10/2010 10:04

Also he's said if I get rid of the dog, he will get rid of my cats, which would devastate me. I've had them for 12 years. The difference in our pets is I look after my cats and clean up after them.

OP posts:
blackwell · 18/10/2010 10:06

If he leaves his clothes on the floor, then why the hell do you pick them up and wash them again? There is no incentive for him to behave like an adult if you unconditionally follow him around picking up his crap.

I don't mean to make this all about you, HE is the one being unreasonable and childish. But you're letting him get away with it. You can say what you like to him, but deeds speak louder than words. Get rid of the dog. If he leaves his clothes on the floor until they get creased then that is his tough shit. If the alternative is not having clean shirts for work, he will learn to pick them up and put them away. Personally, I wouldn't wash any of them either until he started being more appreciative and supportive.

colditz · 18/10/2010 10:07

He's a disrespectful wanker. I lived with someone like this, and I cured it by kicking him out. If respect hasn't been taught by the time they are adults, they will never have any.

blackwell · 18/10/2010 10:07

x post

Oh great, so his response to your frustration is not to try and be more of a help, but threaten you with the loss of pets you care perfectly well for. I wouldn't live with someone like that. Is he rich?

AMumInScotland · 18/10/2010 10:08

You need to have a serious talk with him about his arsehole behaviour. You are his wife and the mother of his child, not his personal slave.

If he can't meet you half-way with some reasonable behaviour - tidying up after himself, putting dishes in the dishwasher, etc, then I would withdraw all domestic help. His washing lies in a stinking heap, so do his dishes. If his side of the bed isn't inconvenient enough, find somewhere which is. A binbag on the drivers seat of his car might be an idea! Or on top of his precious guitar.

colditz · 18/10/2010 10:08

Until then - warn him that everything he leaves out that is not in it's proper place will go in the bin. Then do it.

I once binned £70 worth of computer componants because he left them on the kitchen surface and it was time for me to make dinner.

mazzystartled · 18/10/2010 10:16

Time for a BIG CHAT

Let him know that being his skivvy is NOT SEXY, and makes you think he is an arse. That you do not find lazy dependent teenage boys attractive.

That the situation is making you unhappy. He should care about that. Don't make it an attack. Make him see why he should care.

also

Threaten to get a cleaner (hit him in the wallet, might take some notice)

Until he participates in the running of the house as an equal adult
his dirty washing gets shoved in one corner of the bedroom/on a designated chair
his stuff gets put in a cardboard box/in his work bag

MissMarjoriBanshee · 18/10/2010 10:25

OP - my DH is untidy as well. He just drops things where he is standing. Washing down the side of the bed. Cups, plates, cans wherever he has been consuming their contents (including the bathroom). Coat dumped on the bench in the kitchen and shoes wherever I am most likely to fall over them. Papers on the kitchen side. They never ever move unless I move them and it drives me insane.

I tolerate it though because he's not a lazy arse by any means and works really hard elsewhere in the house. He cooks tea almost every night. He loads the dishwasher and washes up. He irons. Puts the bins out. Plays with, bathes, dresses, feeds our DS. He is almost soley responsible for our not insubstantial garden and the DIY.

Your DH doesn't do these things and that, I think, is what makes the difference. The dog thing in particular would be a deal breaker for me. He needs to start pulling his weight.

I don't have any answers to the general messyness - I have tried and failed to address it. My DH responds well to specific instructions with time limits though e.g. your Warhammer stuff needs to be away by tea time tomorrow or it is going in the bin.

Vallhalloween · 18/10/2010 10:26

I feel your pain - only in my case the people acting like this are my 15 and nearly 14 yo daughters. I divorced their similarly behaving father years ago!

If I were you I'd walk away. I'd go out for the day, leave him with the children at the weekend and just walk out the door, get up earlier than him and go out, leaving him with the 14 month old too. Let him live in his own shit if he won't clear it up, let him care for the children if he makes it so difficult for you to do so around his mess.

But please... don't take karma's advice and "get rid of the dog". You may quite possibly be condemning the poor animal to his death. We rescuers have enough trouble and see enough healthy, unwanted dogs die as it is, and it's no more the dog's fault than your children's and I doubt you'd get rid of them!

SolidButShamblingUndeadBrass · 18/10/2010 10:32

Don't get rid of the dog, get rid of the man. Sorry love but this relationship is doomed. He is not being charmingly incompetent, or thoughtless, or too easily distracted, he is consciously and deliberately treating you like a domestic appliance. The clue is that, when you complain and ask him to change his behaviour, he doesn't apologise or even promise to change in order to shut you up. What does he do? He threatens you (that he will get rid of the cats).
Does he sulk or intimidate you in order to get his own way over other things, too? HOw's your sex life, for instance? I would not be remotely surprised to hear that you are not much inclined to have sex with him, and that he is forever complaining about that as well.

ilovehens · 18/10/2010 10:34

My husband is even worse. I'm the one who works and he's a sahd, but he still does less than me around the house.

Pushmeinthepool · 18/10/2010 10:36

Thanks all :-)

He doesn't seem to realise that the dog generates so much extra housework for me. If we didn't have the dog, I would only need to hoover downstairs two or three times a week and not every day. The dog has this morning brought a stick in from the garden and chewed it to f*ck so there are wood splinters everywhere, hence I'm just about to hoover as obviously with a 14 month old wandering around it's just not practical to have it lying around everywhere.

The problem with going out for the day is I come back to a complete shithole, probably even worse than if I'd stayed home and did nothing all day, as he lets the kids do what they want and trash the house, just so he can sit and watch sport.

He really does think his working day is done once he walks in the house, and then I'm running round like a skivvy tidying up after tea, sorting out homework, uniforms, ironing for the next day etc etc. I should add that he does bath DS occasionally if I just leave it and leave it after tea, eventually he will take him up and bath him, but he won't sort our older kids out. He would literally get them to put their pjs on and put themselves to bed each night if it was up to him.

OP posts:
Vallhalloween · 18/10/2010 10:36

Bloody hell Solid, you described my former marriage just there, in three sentences! :o

I bet you're right about the OP's too.

Pushmeinthepool · 18/10/2010 10:38

Solidbutshambling, sex life is okay, but yes he does sulk and moan if he can't get his own way sometimes. The other day I cooked a roast and had brought shop's own brand gravy, and he went off on one because he didn't like the gravy, saying I was inconsiderate and had only got it to piss him off (I hadn't actually, I'd forgotten to get any and found that jar unopened in the cupboard), rather than thanking me for cooking the meal. I was annoyed at him because he ranted and raved and he completely turned it round saying "I can't believe you're in a bad mood with me just because I didnt' like the gravy" but of course it wasn't that, it was his childish reaction to it. If I didn't like something in a meal he'd cooked for me I'd just leave it, I wouldn't start having a tantrum about it.

OP posts:
Vallhalloween · 18/10/2010 10:40

Pushme, he can't watch the sport if there's no TV. For a start, that would disappear whilst he was at work, be it into the attic or, preferably, to the nearest charity shop.

I'd make his life as difficult as possible. I can understand what you're saying about if you go out for the day, but I'm not speaking of a one-off, I'm suggesting that you go out every day until he acts in a reasonable manner (or sods off, whichever is sooner, because either woulf be helpful from the sound of it). If you're not there to care for the DC he will have to take time off work... I bet that will pull him up by the bootlaces!

domeafavour · 18/10/2010 10:42

Hang on, it's not the end of the world maybe.
Some men are really that stupid that they need everything pointed out to them
You just lay down the law and tell him that it is not acceptable. In detail, write a list of what he doesn't do.
No excuses, no reasoning. Does he actually think that the fairies come in and clean up?
Some men are just very very thoughtless, no malice intended, they just don't think.

Of course if he is revelling in the fact that you are cleaning up after him then he is a tosser.
Not many men would actually consistently not put a coke can or crisp packet in the bin on purpose, I don't think

SpookyLettuce · 18/10/2010 10:44

ILoveHens, that's my situation as well. I am very stubborn and refuse to do more than my share so we live in a perpetual state of untidiness.