To resent being treated like a cleaning service?

[Pushmeinthepool]

My DH is great in many ways; he's is a lovely bloke and a fantastic dad, and I love him to pieces. However, in the house he is a different story and I am fed up with having to clean up after him.

He works full time and I'm a SAHM to our 3 children, so I'm happy to do the majority of housework, washing, cooking etc. What I do resent is having to constantly tidy up after him, and him thinking it's okay to just leave things lying around.

For example every night after a bath or shower he leaves his towel lying somewhere around the house, whether it's on the sofa, or on (usually my side of) our bed, or on the banister. And he never moves it. If I don't put it away he will then get a clean towel the following night and leave it lying around somewhere else. Another example is each evening he leaves half drunk glasses of beer or coke, empty cans and empty crisp and sweet packets in the living room. I have to then move them the next morning as our 14 month old DS gets hold of them.

He just doesn't seem to see that things need doing; if I don't load the dishwasher and clean the kitchen down after dinner each night then it stays like that until the morning. He will literally pile plates and cups and bowls up and up and up. He thinks he's been clever if he piles them all up so they fit on the worktop above the dishwasher. Another sore point is our dog; it's his dog, and I made it clear when we got her that I had more than enough people to clean up after and that she is his responsibility. Well guess who ends up cleaning up after her? Me! He would leave and leave and leave her bedding and never clean the floor around her bed. He literally thinks it's okay to just get home, do what you want and just sleep and live in mess. He will walk past piles of dry washing on the stairs and not take it up. If I ask him to take it up, he "forgets". Shoes and coats are left wherever he happens to be when he takes them off.

What annoys me too is that if he is looking after the children, he will just shut the living room door, sit in the chair watching sport and let DS trash the living room. He won't do a thing. He will get the kids lunch but won't wipe DS's highchair or tidy away the kids plates and cups, he just thinks he's done his bit by sitting in the house with the children, whilst of course if I'm home with them I'm constantly doing things to keep on top of the housework. Yesterday he was "watching" DS whilst I hoovered upstairs, and suddenly DH appeared in our room playing his guitar and he'd just left DS downstairs and said I could watch him while I hoovered and just pop down to check on him every couple of minutes.

I really am getting fed up with the lack of respect TBH; like I said, I am happy to do housework, but I resent having to clean up everything of his before I start doing any. I've done strikes before and they don't work, I really don't know what to do now. Last week I kept gathering up all his stuff and dumping it on his side of the bed, but all he did was get into bed, kick it off onto the floor, and leave it all everywhere again the next day!!

He sounds awful, and you seem to have got into the habit of making excuses for every little thing you do 'wrong' (eg making excuses to us that you'd got shop's own brand gravy out the cupboard, as if the folk of MN might think you weren't looking after him properly!) and accepting threats, tantrums and manipulative nonsense as normal.

You said before that he's a lovely bloke and fantastic dad. Please can you give us three examples of him being a lovely bloke and three examples of him being a fantastic dad? These will need to be things that are genuinely lovely, not just the basic requirement for any husband/father.

oh dear,my husband works long hours,but never cooks or makes sandwiches for the kids on weekends;I'm beginning to feel reluctant to rush around getting everything done in the week,because I know I have to carry on all weekend,clearing up after everyone.His mother did everything for him,and his father,so I think he expects the kids food to be my responsibility on weekends.He's told me he will do something if I ask him,but that makes me feel like I should be really grateful for his help,when they are his kids too.I get very resentful on weekends,and we don't have sex anymore,but I really love him.Do I just carry on accepting the weekends the way they are.I want to get a job but have 3 children who get ill quite often,and I have no family close by to help.

Becstar, do you know, the mood I feel in today I would be very hard pressed to think of 3 things.....

he's not lovely bloke and a fantastic dad, he's a selfish manipulative tosser.

I'm wondering if this is the price you pay for loving someone who is not at all fussy,which I would probably hate.

lovelymumma, sorry, but he fussed about the GRAVY. he fussed about having to look after his child for what, 30 minutes? He is a fussy washing-up sculptor (my dh is too, I loathe it) but won't actually DO the washing up (which my dh will, before the end of the day).

I don't necessarily think you should chuck him. But there have to be consequences for him, or he will just carry on as he is, why shouldn't he?

I'd start teasing him. When he's making a washing up sculpture, call the kids in to admire it, take a picture, suggest he submits it to the Turner prize committee. When he chucks clean stuff on the floor, call him little diddums, ask him super-sympathetically if his arms have dropped off, or say 'Paging MIL! Paging MIL! Dh being asked to do unreasonable housework by putting away his own shirts! Emergency MIL needed!' Get on his wick basically. Should cheer you all up and he might actually get off his lazy, thoughtless, crappy, sodding arse.

And send him out of the house with the kids. If he's watching sport while supposed to be looking after them, present him with the 'Penelope Leach trophy for involved parenthood' and talk dreamily about the golden memories of Daddy that his kids will have in the future.

Pushmeinthepool - not even 3 things? Then he isn't lovely and fantastic. If you don't do lovely and fantastic things then you aren't lovely and fantastic because you are the sum of what you repeatedly do.

euch, how unattractive? He isnt kind and caring, he is a twat.

Dont get rid of the dog, please, not the dogs fault. It is time for a big ole chat about respect, how you are not his mum and will not be clearing up after him.

SOme men just dont see mess and need things pointing out continually, but if my DH ever made such a fuss about gravy he would be left to cook his own meals after clearing up the plate of food that got tipped over his head.

yes you're right maktaitai,just read the gravy bit,my husband would have ended up wearing the gravy!.Hate men who are fussy eaters;I do adore my husband really;he'll eat anything I make him,and he is very funny;I think the amount of times he hugs me and makes me laugh,makes up for lack of sandwich making.The lack of sex is probably more to do with being completely knackered from doing this parenting thing for almost twelve years,and kids staying up almost as late as us on weekends now they are older.

Have been biting my tongue, but sorry really have to come back and say it... Pushmeinthepool, like I say, we are what we repeatedly do. And you can't think of 3 things your DP does that is done by lovely blokes or fantastic fathers.

So can you easily think of 3 things you do that would normally be done by a cleaning service (as opposed to a SAHM)? Actually I think you've already listed more than three... We are what we repeatedly do. If you repeatedly do what would be done by a cleaning service/slave labour then that's what you are.

NOT saying that cleaning up makes an SAHM into a cleaning service - if you're doing your bit as part of a team where your contribution is appreciated and respected. But picking up an adult's discarded wet towels from around the house and having to defend your use of store-bought gravy for someone who treats you like a domestic servant is what is done by... domestic servants. If you do it, you are it. If you do it and resent it, you are a more pissed off version of it, but you're still it, resenting it doesn't make it any less so.

Now, I'm supposed to be working but am shirking. Which by my own devastating logic makes me a shirker . Am off to do work and thereby become a worker

Have just come back to this. I stand by what I said about getting rid of the dog. It is possible to get it rehomed. The OPs DH got an animal that he isn't prepared to care for properly. The OP didn't choose to get a dog and has been lumbered with looking after it and clearing up all the mess. It's ridiculous to compare it to DC's.

I am horrified that your DH threatened to get rid of the cats that you look after. For me, if he did that I wouldn't be able to see a future for the relationship.

I quite like the idea of binning the stuff that he doesn't put away, or alternatively putting them in a bin bag in the loft until he decides to reclaim and wash them/put them away himself.

He really does sound as though he completely takes you for granted and has no respect. You have to take back some contrl in this relationship because he is walking all over you. I can't see that he is contributing anything positive to your life at the moment and this needs to change.

The thing with refusing to pick up his stuff etc or setting out to make his life difficult is, with a man like this (who has no respect for you anyway) he may well become actively nasty. He might even become physically aggressive because he thinks that he's the important one on the house and you are his servant. So, in his head, if you are not performing your functions correctly, he may feel that he is entitled to punish you.
I'd advocate having one final big talk with him in which you say, basically, how are we going to fix this situation of me feeling like I'm your servant and resenting it? If he isn;'t prepared to make any kind of concession or if he gets nasty eg calls you lazy or tells you to stop whining or 'you knew what i was like when you married me' then he is telling you that he doesn't care that you are unhappy and he is not going to change.
Then you can decide what, if anything, makes it worth remaining in this marriage.

I repeat my question - Has he always been like this? The additional information you've given paints a very unfortunate picture of a man who has the family tip toeing round him in case he sulks, doensn't pull his weight with the children and isn't being a loving, responsible husband. His attitude to the dog and your cats is dreadful.

This is about much more than housework - this is about you and he having a Come to Jesus conversation about respect for you and respect and commitment to your marriage and to your family (including the furry members of it).

At the moment, he behaves as he does because you are not giving him any credible reasons to stop. It is also a dreadful model for your children - do you really want your DS growing up thinking that is how women are treated? For the sake of all of you, please get this sorted and have a serious conversation with him. If that doesn't work, then chuck him out.

Scuttlebutter, yes and no really; he probably was a bit like it in the beginning but it's more apparent now we have 3 children as life is much more hectic and there's so much that needs to be done.

Pushme, classic selfish nasty knob I'm afraid. Unfortunately so many women just overlook selfishness and entitlement in men at the beginning of a relationship, because there is still this residual idea that men are the important ones in a relationship and their needs should be prioritized. Also, when there's just the two of you, it doesn;t matter so much if you get a takeaway or eat out instead of cooking, and if you both work, you can't mess the house up that much.
However, as soon as the first baby arrives, Mr Entitled starts showing his faults. He doesn't do any chores. He whines about the house being a mess. He whines about not getting enough sex. He may even get aggressive that his needs are all of a sudden lower on his partner's list of priorities. And unless he gets the equivalent of a good kick in the cock and actually internalises the idea that he is not the centre of the universe, the relationship is maimed and will limp along until the woman has had enough - or until Mr Entitled finds himself a childless woman who is enough of a mug to find him romantically appealing in all his 'manliness'.

he is treating you like an unpaid servant and you have been letting him.

I'm amazed you don't combust with seething resentment & rage, but I fear your considerable patience & tolerance of this crap over the years has made him feel like it's perfectly OK to treat you very badly indeed.

Nip in in the bud now, or face a lifetime of it.

As for the dog, I'd tell him you are rehousing it next week while he is at work unless he takes immediate responsibility for it, and present him with a list of exactly what needs to be doing to care for dog.

I'm sure he can change if he wants to, but you have to make it very clear what you expect which must include that he just does this stuff himself - because the last thing you want is for him to start picking up etc but only because you are constantly following him around asking etc. Then he will accuse you of nagging & resent YOU for nagging him etc.

OP I had a similar post a couple of weeks ago and was told I was a doormat. Re posted on relationships and got some great advice - don't know how to link, sorry.

Long story short, I spoke to my DH, we had a massive argument, I walked away to calm down and then tried again half an hour later.

We have a much cleaner, tidier house - long may it last. We "divvied" up the chores and I explained that being at home with a demanding 3 and a half year old and a new baby is as exhausting as full time work - I was doing everything when we were both in full time work.

We are going to get a cleaner but it was the mess that drove me up the wall. DH has really stepped up and as a happy coincidence our bedroom life has dramatically improved (not bad at 40 week pg eh?)

Only you know whether it's worth the effort and maybe the initial sulk from him but show him you're determined and mean business. Good luck

eToThe makes such a great point OP - yes you are a SAHM but you are BOTH in full time jobs!!!!!!!!!!!!! Why is he adding to your burden - so his job stops when he gets home, whereas yours gets doubled when he walks through the door????

After reading the whole thread I agree with other posters, he has absolutely no respect for you. My DH is a lazy selfish bastard and he will fully admit to it and apologise for it. He's a messy bugger. But he will do his share (when nagged). If I make a meal no matter how crap it is he thanks me. He knows he's bloody lucky to have someone who will wash his clothes and make him food. When I go out and leave him with the kids the house isn't always as I'd like when I get home, but he has tidied in his own way. And will bath the kids and put them to bed properly.

You have to thrash it out and be prepared for storms/sulks, but make it very clear that this is making you very unhappy and tired and that if it doesn't improve, you will leave (and take the cats!).

If he still refuses to do anything, then go on a full strike - not for a week or two, but for as long as it takes. Don't cook him a meal, don't wash or iron his clothes, and dump any damp towels down his side of the bed. I know you've gone on strike before, but he knows you'll give in eventually - don't.

Having said that, I can't guarantee it will work. I used to do everything round the house, plus running round after the MIL when I worked part-time. When I got a full-time job, I assumed the balance would shift, but it didn't. Then my mum got sick with terminal cancer and even though I was working long hours thirty miles away and visiting my parents regularly to help them out, he still couldn't even be arsed to wash the dishes from the night before, so I'd have to wash them before I could cook dinner.

After mum died, I just went on strike and all that happened was that the house got dirtier and dirtier. I'd told him that the lack of housework (plus other issues) was pushing me to the point that I was considering divorce and he didn't listen, so I after a couple more warnings, I divorced him. It was the best thing I ever did.

Obviously, you have young kids, so it's different to my situation, but you can't live like this! He has to take you seriously. Sometimes I wonder if my first marriage would have worked better if I hadn't been so easily cowed by his manipulative behaviour and had stood up for myself more - he might have respected me more. So give it a go and I hope things improve.

Well he's literally got in tonight, eaten tea, left all the dishes on the worktop and gone up to play his guitar. I bathed DS and he put his sleepsuit on him, but was getting a bit arsey that he had to get DS's milk ready.

What's annoying me too is that I got up yesterday with DS so he had a lay in until 10ish, yet all he did all day yesterday was yawn and say how knackered he is, and he's done the same tonight too. We all get tired but things still have to be done!