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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be seething over brother's girlfriend's behaviour?

28 replies

Nikna · 18/10/2010 08:18

So what was supposed to be a nice day in Hyde Park catching up with my brother, was a truly awful day. Bearing in mind that we toddle along with DS 1 & 2 (3 & 15mths), my brother's girlfriend kept storming off in a huff at random moments. It was nothing we said because she walked ten paces in front the entire time. My brother was very embarrassed and mumbled that they were having some problems. Perhaps ... but she does this every time we meet up! There is always plenty of storminess, and then there are constant snide comments and put downs of our family and background.

DH says don't let it get to me, we can be above it by just ignoring it. Isn't there a point where we are just being mugs though? To allow someone to constantly behave and speak to us like that. I am at the point now that I don't want to see her again, but if I want to see my brother I have no choice.

Utterly miserable.

OP posts:
AMumInScotland · 18/10/2010 08:23

How about suggesting to your brother that sometimes you go out with just him and not both of them. You could even say it would "give them a bit of space from each other" if they are having some problems at the moment. Couples are allowed to spend time apart from each other, specially if the partner doesn't get on with your family!

SarahStratton · 18/10/2010 08:26

I'd have told her to her face, but then I do have gob on a stick moments.

Original poster
Nikna · 18/10/2010 08:33

Yes my plan is to try and meet up when she is at work or away. Not easy though she has their schedule all worked out well in advance!

Sometimes I wish I had more of a gob on me. Then it might be her feeling miserable today, not me. She probably thinks her behaviour was not noticed!?

OP posts:
AMumInScotland · 18/10/2010 08:37

More likely she doesn't care, because she thinks her feelings are the most important thing on the planet!

mamatomany · 18/10/2010 08:45

Hopefully they are very young and he won't marry the fruit loop.

Original poster
Nikna · 18/10/2010 08:47

Oh yes, after we waited 1/2 an hour for her lady-ship to come downstairs so we could go out for lunch. She 'confided' in me that she had already taken herself out for brunch because she really deserved a treat. Speaking of gob .... I was gob-smacked.

OP posts:
AMumInScotland · 18/10/2010 09:07

She does sound very immature, but presumably she is actually very young? I'd try to arrange things so that her lateness and moods have as little impact as possible - eg meeting at the playpark or a cafe, so you aren't forced to stand waiting for her to deign to turn up, but can get on with enjoying yourselves without her. Back in my teens I had a friend who was never ready when you called for her - after a few times, I always arranged to meet her at the party/pub, so she could take as long as she wanted without wasting my time hanging round.

girlywhirly · 18/10/2010 09:08

I'm not surprised they are having problems. I imagine her behaviour is awful for everyone to have to put up with. I understand that your DH feels you should both rise above it and not want to tackle this in front of the children, because she sounds likely to make a real scene.

If I were your brother, I'd think seriously about whether their relationship was worth saving, because she controls what they do together, I wonder if she checks his phone and emails as well. She doesn't like your family and makes no attempt to be civil, and she resents any time your brother spends with you and his nephews.

I'd have been tempted to catch up with the girlfriend when she stormed off and tell her how childish and rude she was being, and not to bother coming again as you've had enough of her tantrums. She sounds really insecure if she can't let your brother see his family without being there herself. I think he'd be well rid of her, frankly. Not so easy to do if there are mortgages and things involved I agree, or she pays half a gigantic rent which neither could afford on their own.

Original poster
Nikna · 18/10/2010 09:28

She is young ... 28 ... but not that young!
My brother is 32. I feel awful that I am really hoping they break up. but they have been together for a few years now and I get the feeling she is very manipulative and whenever he gets to the point of calling it quits she does the "poor little me, I dont mean to be this way" routine.

Thanks for giving me a giggle over this "mamatomany", she is one whopping fruit-loop!

OP posts:
ZombieChickensHaveNoMercy · 18/10/2010 09:32

Christ, 28 isn't that young! She sounds horrendous. I think I'd have to completely ignore the attention seeking madam, but I'd probably be having words with my brother about whether he should really be persuing such a difficult relationship. Life's too short and all that.

spookerv1xen · 18/10/2010 09:35

oh god i feel your pain, my brother used to date a right miserable cow who used to do things like this all the time, Hmm everyone used to walk on eggshells around her. why is he even with her if she is such a mardy bitch stroppy madam?

AMumInScotland · 18/10/2010 09:36

28?! I thought we were talking about 17 or 18!

In that case, waiting till she grows up a bit may take awhile. I'd probably sit my brother down and talk about how unpleasant you find her behaviour, and how you would love to see more of him but without having to deal with her sulks.

bigchris · 18/10/2010 09:38

Kerist if they get married think of future Xmas dinners not to mention the bridezilla she'll be Grin

discobeaver · 18/10/2010 09:40

28 isn't young! When you said young I thought you meant teenagers. She sounds like a spoilt brat.

spookerv1xen · 18/10/2010 09:45

i know!!! 28 behaving like that Confused i thought early 20's at the oldest.

girlywhirly · 18/10/2010 09:47

28 is certainly old enough to learn some manners.

Perhaps your brother could suggest couples counselling to help her change the "I don't mean to be this way" behaviour. Unless she does something he will waste even more years on a relationship that is unhealthy. Unfortunately he is facilitating her behaviour by backing down whenever he tries to end the relationship, by her guilt-tripping him. So it would be useful for him to understand why he does this.

Snorbs · 18/10/2010 09:53

I wonder if she is deliberately causing an argument with your brother before family events so that there is a bad atmosphere later on when you're all together. That's a common trick of an abusive partner as a means of getting the victim to distance him/herself from their family support system.

Could you slip your brother a copy of Warning Signs You're Dating a Loser? I think he needs it.

blackwell · 18/10/2010 09:54

I suspect she will be an ex-girlfriend soon, so don't worry about it.

Original poster
Nikna · 18/10/2010 09:57

Oh, the Xmas arrangements fill me with dread! Walking on eggshells is exactly it. The irony in comments from her about my unruly toddlers, or that our youngest brother (same age as her) is less worldly, as he has not traveled, is not wasted on me!

OP posts:
Jux · 18/10/2010 10:20

TBH I would treat like any other child. Just tell her off.

SolidButShamblingUndeadBrass · 18/10/2010 10:24

Look, just because she's a whinyarse female rather than a big hulking male brute doesn't mean she's not actually abusive or at least heading that way. People who use their 'poor little me' side as a weapon are actually pretty toxic. Do try and get your brother on his own and encourage him to dump her.

AMumInScotland · 18/10/2010 10:36

I'd second the suggestion about couples counselling - even the fact that you suggest it to him might make him think about the relationship a bit more, even if he doesn't go through with it. She does sound manipulative and controlling - if you take out the elements of what you say that are about you and your DH/DC, you are left with -

she uses her moods to control his behaviour

she controls his time

she makes it difficult for him to spend time with his family, and may be deliberately causing rows

he has tried to split up with her and she's manipulated him into staying

I think someone needs to point out to him that this is not a healthy relationship - if you say that directly, he's likely to defend he, but if you suggest Relate in a "helpful" way, that maybe the two of them could "work at their relationship", he may see the need to do somethin abou it.

girlywhirly · 18/10/2010 11:45

Christmas is often a time when relationships fail, so just be there for your brother if the brown and smelly stuff hits the fan. But I wouldn't have her anywhere near my home and my dc spoiling everything.

If she refuses to go to counselling, or won't accept there is a problem with the way she behaves and that it needs to change, that would be it for me.

And even at the risk of not seeing your brother at Christmas, I would make sure she isn't invited to your home. That leaflet Warning Signs Your're Dating a Loser is brilliant, surely your brother will see what is happening to him as he remains with this woman? And not just to him, but everyone else who has contact with them both?

Original poster
Nikna · 18/10/2010 12:21

Mumsnetters, you made me brave enough to call my brother this morning and talk to him about this. I am glad I did. Now though, I am more worried than ever about his relationship with her. It is a form of abuse, and he is in denial. That leaflet Warning Signs Your're Dating a Loser hits the nail on the head, but I can't pass that to him. He is a blokely-bloke - this is a difficult situation.

OP posts:
girlywhirly · 18/10/2010 13:44

Please find a way to get your brother that information, Nikna. I wish I had known that before I married my first husband. The problem is that he considers the girlfriend's behaviour embarrassing and unpleasant, but he is used to it. It isn't until you meet someone who treats you well and normally that you understand just how rubbish your life has been with the abusive partner.

Let him know that you, DH and your younger brother are there for him if it comes to a crisis.

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