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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be upset at not being invited to step-daughters 18th birthday dinner

31 replies

poppyswill · 17/10/2010 22:23

MIL has organised an 18th birthday dinner for my DHs DD and the entire family ....except me. I have a good relationship with my in-laws, but have never met DHs ex (they were never married but had two DDs together). We regularly see the girls as they stay with us whenever they like. We often have them for xmas, holidays, birthdays (fair enough tailing off now they are getting older). DH and I have been together for over 11 years, also have DS 3 and DD 8 together and they absolutely adore their sisters and vice-versa. I have no ill feelings towards his ex and we have never even spoken to each other let alone seen each other. Just don't understand why MIL is meddling - why doesn't she let the parents organise their own DD 18th. TBH I said to DH tonight if he and his ex had suggested a celebration dinner for just the four of them I would've completely understood, but for MIL to organise dinner for entire family minus me seems a bit much. Oh and another thing MIL wanted to invite ex to our wedding as it would've been nice for her to see her daughters as bridesmaids?! I'm feeling a bit hurt TBH but perhaps being unreasonable?

OP posts:
dittany · 17/10/2010 22:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pinkyp · 17/10/2010 22:27

YANBU! Did she give a reason for doing this? What did dh say? Fair enough if you'd only been together a short while but 11years!! You should go! Does dd know you havent been invited?M Maybe make her aware so she doesnt think you just havent turned up

HumphreyCobbler · 17/10/2010 22:29

YANBU

How upsetting for you. What has your DH said about it?

Original poster
poppyswill · 17/10/2010 22:30

DH has said he is definitely not going as it puts him in an impossible position and it's not fair on me which is really good of him. But I am now obviously feeling massively guilty that he's not going. My two are not invited as it's an 'adult' dinner.

OP posts:
dittany · 17/10/2010 22:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AMumInScotland · 17/10/2010 22:35

Perhaps if he explains to his ex why he won't be able to attend, she'll tell MIL to invite you? I would, since as you say there's no actual bad feeling.

edam · 17/10/2010 22:36

Your MIL is a cow.

Do you know what your step-dd thinks of it? Does she want a family dinner?

canyou · 17/10/2010 22:36

What does your DSD want would she object if not your MIL is being VVV UNREASONABLE.
Did you or dh ask her why you were being excluded?
I would be very upset but id it is what your DSD wants I would hope I would be able to respect it.
Can ye as a family do something nice with or with out her DM according to what your DSD wants [which is probably a night out with her own friends not a night with the oldies] ?

pinkyp · 17/10/2010 22:38

i think u should have a seperate celebration too

A1980 · 17/10/2010 22:38

YEs, what does your DSD want?

If she's in on it and she doesn't want you there either, then perhaps she can do without an 18th birthday gift from you. See how she likes that.

Original poster
poppyswill · 17/10/2010 22:44

OK thanks so much for your responses (new here). Just wanted to check I wasn't the one with the wharped views. DH and I have already agreed to have a birthday dinner ourselves - the six of us! A fun, loud, messy FAMILY dinner that we can all enjoy. MIL is of the belief that children should be seen and not heard which always goes down well when we go to stay! Thinking about it....wonder if exs partner has been invited?! Think I am going through all the emotions now - anger - why did she have to meddle? Surely it's not her place to organise? Ho hum am feeling a bit sad but that's life I suppose. Thanks for your support. x

OP posts:
canyou · 17/10/2010 22:48

Ohh do have a dinner and really decorate the place, we always string coloured fairy lights up. banners balloons and do an old fashioned birthday table with crisps, e numbered sweets, fizzy drinks, party poopers, glitter on the table, party hats and streamers.

Original poster
poppyswill · 17/10/2010 22:50

I'm sure dsd would not specifically say she wouldn't want me there. We have a good relationship. To be perfectly honest I know she would probably much rather 'stuff' the adult dinner and have a proper 18th party - like most 18 year olds! We can't organise that because we don't live near her or her friends. Am sure she will have sorted something with her mum in regards to party. But of course we want to mark it in some way. MIL always wants to organise a meal for whatever the ocassion and it never includes my two. My side of the family is HUGE and we always invite everyone, including the dogs!

OP posts:
piscesmoon · 17/10/2010 23:01

YANBU. The answer seems to be for you and DH not to go and just have your own celebration. Ask her what she would like to do. If anyone says anything don't argue, just smile and say that you are doing something as a family.

NonnoMum · 17/10/2010 23:09

Still reeling from the thought of ex going to your wedding...

annh · 17/10/2010 23:13

What did your dh say when this invitation specifically excluding you was issued? Did he not say something along the lines of "oh, you seem to have missed Poppyswill off the invite?" What is MIL's actual reason for not including you? Has anyone asked her?

Not acceptable btw, but am just wondering if anyone has put her on the spot or if everyone is just accepting of the fact that you are not going to be there?

Dansmommy · 17/10/2010 23:21

Here's what I think you should do. Disregard this event...it's to celebrate with her Dad's side of the family but her Dad won't be there? Ridiculous.

Your DH needs to get on the phone to DSD's mum, and organise an appropriate event which involve the important people in DSD's life. (Including you and her sisters).

If the ex doesn't want to share the celebration with you, then fine, there has to be two celebrations.

When all this has been decided, granny gets an invite from you, the parents. If there are two events, then she should be invited to yours. If ex wants to invite her also, fine, but the extended family etc. get invited to your event, by you (as a couple, I mean, not just you as step-mum).

MadamDeathstare · 17/10/2010 23:27

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mamatomany · 17/10/2010 23:27

I bet the ex doesn't go either, why the hell would you want to go to dinner with your ex husbands mother, or indeed see your ex husband get married.
No doubt she has moved on and has her own life.
The MIL should realise you and your children are where her loyalties lie and if she doesn't it's her loss.

Myleetlepony · 17/10/2010 23:59

As for your wedding - no way!

ValiumSkeleton · 18/10/2010 08:30

I agree with mamatomany. the x probably thinking 'huh?'. She can celebrate her dd's 18th without her x and her xmil I'm sure.

My daughter isn't 18 yet! but there's no way she'd expect her father and me round the same table. It's just not something that would be comfortable or expected or necessary.

onmyfeet · 18/10/2010 09:11

Your MIL is being unreasonable. I bet your SD will love the family party you plan for her!
Perhaps even bring a friend or two from her area.
It is good your dh is reasonable and is not attending. His mother is being very hurtful to exclude you, you have been together for all these years!

girlywhirly · 18/10/2010 09:26

My guess is, the dsd will have the dinner at her grans and then get a taxi to a club with her friends, leaving everyone sitting there.

YANBU about this, some MIL'S are too full of their own self-importance.

harassedinherpants · 18/10/2010 09:26

YAdefNBU!!

I'm a stepmother, and I just can not imagine this ever happening. I can't understand why your mil is taking it on herself to organise this, and why she's not invited you. Ridiculous!

I'm glad that your dh sees sense, but think your mil is being very unreasonable and insensitive not to invite you. Some people just can't seem to get their heads round extended families...

harassedinherpants · 18/10/2010 09:28

Forgot to say, we got married last year and I was amazed at the number of people who asked if dh's ex was going to be there.

Why on earth would we want her there??Stupid!!

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