Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being unreasonable or just difficult?

38 replies

LessonsinL · 17/10/2010 11:55

Have namechanged so am not a troll :)

My father was diagnosed with a serious illness last year and has been undergoing treatment. My mother's response is for me to come home and "help", when what she means is "tidy the house" (and has said as such). The family home has always been a bit of a sty as neither my dad nor my mum have much interest in cleaning but place a lot of importance on having a tidy house (you can see the tension if the house is therefore always untidy!).

I am torn between telling her to shove off and that I'm not the maid, and just avoiding the house altogether. I work, and when I'm not working, I'm at university studying full-time for a vocational degree, and when I'm not doing that, I'm at prep groups or maybe even having a cup of tea. :) Before my dad was diagnosed, she would send me e-mails wanting me to spend 2 hours tidying the house a day - I flat out refused.

I suppose the main issue is that I don't want to sit down and tidy someone else's room for hours when I know it won't be kept tidy (and usually get unwell as the dust usually knocks me out - delicate lungs!) but neither do I want to be a total and under complete bitch and piss over her coping strategy. I can't work out if I'm being autistically practical in thinking "well clearing the house isn't going to heal him" or just going through a late teenager rebellion!

I should probably add that I love my mum very much and do support her in lots of other ways and am not adverse to hard-core cleaning - I just resent being manipulated into this sort of situation. :(

Right MN... go!

OP posts:
EleanorHauntedHandbasket · 17/10/2010 12:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Nancy66 · 17/10/2010 12:04

Offer to help her find a cleaner.

Surely your dad would rather you spent the time with him than scrubbing the floors?

cidre · 17/10/2010 12:07

What Nancy said.
Good luck!

GeekOfTheWeek · 17/10/2010 12:16

I think your mums got a cheek.

I would be telling her in no uncertain terms.

goplayout · 17/10/2010 12:23

OP, not sure from what you've written, but do you live with your mum and dad?

Is there a reason why your mum can't tidy/clean her own house?(disability etc)

Original poster
LessonsinL · 17/10/2010 12:29

Hey goplayout , I do live with them but am rarely home due to work/university, and spend most nights at my DP's house. I understand the premise of living with them, and that should include a share of the house work (don't worry, I'm not completely unreasonable!).

My mum is not disabled or physically constrained, but she is a hoarder. So the house is full of things and stuff which can make tidying difficult.

OP posts:
ChaoticAngel · 17/10/2010 12:30

YANBU Tell her to get a cleaner in.

pjmama · 17/10/2010 12:35

If she's asking you to take up the slack by doing the things they can no longer do due to your dad's illness, then fair enough. But if they've never done any cleaning or tidying before, then I don't see why the changed circumstances suddenly mean that you should be doing it all now?

If you live at home then of course you should be doing your fair share and maybe a bit more to help out while your dad is poorly, but it's unfair for them to expect you to start doing what they never have.

Cleaner, cleaner, cleaner.

bigchris · 17/10/2010 12:49

Do you pay rent?
Sounds to me like her perstering you to clean is masking her real feelings about wanting you to move out tbh

goplayout · 17/10/2010 13:03

OP, YANBU!

The real problem seems to be that your mum is a hoarder, too much stuff which makes tidying /cleaning totally overwhelming.

I am not an expert so don't shoot me down in flames(!) but I think hoarding is an obsessive /compulsive behaviour - and in times of stress & anxiety the problem becomes harder to control. I think that's why your mum is pestering you all the time - do you think deep down she knows that the problem is not untidyness/ dirt but hoarding?

I suspect she can't change the hoarding behaviour herself as am presuming this is not a recent thing, but developed over a long time - I have a relative with the same problem.

I think she needs to seek help from either her GP or a psychologist. However, I wonder if she will be able to acknowledge she has a problem - my aunt is in total denial! Although my aunt lives on her own /has no children etc so the only person it affects is her.

For ALL your sakes, I think she should get help.

Good luckSmile

cumfy · 17/10/2010 14:57

What bigchris said.

Also, not sure I understand:

she would send me e-mails wanting me to spend 2 hours tidying

Why is this happening if you are living with them ?

Original poster
LessonsinL · 17/10/2010 14:59

Because I am rarely home due to work and study, and we are unable to talk without it escalating into a massive row.. therefore e-mail and text is often the best way to communicate.

OP posts:
TethHearseEnd · 17/10/2010 15:02

This all centres around whether you pay them rent or not. Do you?

cumfy · 17/10/2010 15:03

Perhaps, its the everything "escalating into a massive row" that is the source of the problem [not your Dad's illness]?

How much rent do you pay ?

perfumedlife · 17/10/2010 15:03

There is little point in having a big clean out if she hoards. All the old shit will just get put back.

If she asked me to do it and gave me carte blanche to throw stuff out, I would do it. As a one off. But to just pull stuff out and put it back would be a massive waste of your time. She sounds like she has OCD or self esteem issues.

If you place importance on living in a clean tidy house, but let it get tiplike, you are full of contradiction and in a way, it's playing with your mind.

cumfy · 17/10/2010 15:04

I sense a theme developing here.

TethHearseEnd · 17/10/2010 15:05
Original poster
LessonsinL · 17/10/2010 15:06

I contribute to bills, but pay my own food, travel and extras. How much I pay is neither here nor there, but I do contribute financially but obviously not as much as I would pay if I was living in shared accommodation (otherwise I would be doing that instead!!)

Just out of interest, why does it centre around whether rent is paid?

OP posts:
cumfy · 17/10/2010 15:08

why does it centre around whether rent is paid?

You think it does not Confused

cumfy · 17/10/2010 15:09

Don't these escalating arguments centre around whether you pay rent/ do chores ??

Original poster
LessonsinL · 17/10/2010 15:11

Ah, I see the confusion now! No, they switch onto other problems, not focussing on the rent/chores. I'm fairly sure I could see the link if that was the case ;)

OP posts:
cumfy · 17/10/2010 15:15

they switch onto other problems

Sorry, but appears to imply that prior to switching that is an element of those conversations.

3thumbedwitch · 17/10/2010 15:16

if you paid no rent then I expect people would think you were more unreasonable for not contributing "in kind" by taking on some of the chores.

If your mum is that desperate for you to tidy then I would mention that you will be putting all the hoarded crap into big black bin liners and taking it all to the dump. That would solve many problems instantly and give a clear deck. She would then be able to clean more regularly.

She is taking the piss somewhat, but parents do that, I find.

TethHearseEnd · 17/10/2010 15:17

You are living there rent free.

Of course you should clear up.

TrillianSlasher · 17/10/2010 15:19

Move out.