Am I being unreasonable or just difficult?

[LessonsinL]

Have namechanged so am not a troll :)

My father was diagnosed with a serious illness last year and has been undergoing treatment. My mother's response is for me to come home and "help", when what she means is "tidy the house" (and has said as such). The family home has always been a bit of a sty as neither my dad nor my mum have much interest in cleaning but place a lot of importance on having a tidy house (you can see the tension if the house is therefore always untidy!).

I am torn between telling her to shove off and that I'm not the maid, and just avoiding the house altogether. I work, and when I'm not working, I'm at university studying full-time for a vocational degree, and when I'm not doing that, I'm at prep groups or maybe even having a cup of tea. :) Before my dad was diagnosed, she would send me e-mails wanting me to spend 2 hours tidying the house a day - I flat out refused.

I suppose the main issue is that I don't want to sit down and tidy someone else's room for hours when I know it won't be kept tidy (and usually get unwell as the dust usually knocks me out - delicate lungs!) but neither do I want to be a total and under complete bitch and piss over her coping strategy. I can't work out if I'm being autistically practical in thinking "well clearing the house isn't going to heal him" or just going through a late teenager rebellion!

I should probably add that I love my mum very much and do support her in lots of other ways and am not adverse to hard-core cleaning - I just resent being manipulated into this sort of situation. :(

Right MN... go!

get a cleaner.

get a skip.

Move out ASAP!

Christ Cumfy, you're like a dog with a bone! No, there is no element of those conversations, whether or not it is the catalyst, I do not know and would not hazard a guess.

3thumbedwitch, I used to not pay rent, but then offered to start paying a contribution. There is very little difference in their behaviour between when I used to pay rent and when I did not pay rent.

But the general consensus is "help a bit more"?

Why on earth would you not help out? I have elderly relatives and between DH and I we help out every day despite having our own home to run, my very long working week and things we could be doing instead.

So maybe I should rephrase:

Don't these escalating arguments have a significant element regarding whether you pay rent/ do chores/otherwise contribute ??

Sorry Xpost

Ooh. I answered this in "Relationships", where I thought you weren't living at home. That does change things.

You can:

Offer to do a realistic amount of housework.

Move out.

Approximately how much do you pay ?

They are being unreasonable in making it so difficult to keep the place tidy by hoarding crap. You are being unreasonable if you don't do a fair share of housework and make a fair contribution to household expenses, even if you don't spend much time there.

But really it doesn't sound as if you like living with these people, so why not move out? You say it is cheaper to live there than to live in a shared house, but how much cheaper? If it is a lot cheaper than you should definitely make up for the cheap rent by doing a good share of chores. If it is just a bit cheaper wouldn't you rather live somewhere else and have slightly less cash?

Even if you move out, won't you still come and give them a hand if your Dad is so ill?

You would hope so beenaghostlatley. I left home nearly 20 years ago as did DH but would not consider leaving them to fend for themselves. They would do the same for us if they were able.

Are you just working part-time and can't afford to move out ?

If she is unhappy and your dad is very unwell I would help out more yes. I would also spend more time at home.