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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that some posters are treated unfairly

28 replies

PeachesandStrawberry · 16/10/2010 19:06

I have read 2 posts in AIBU this week.

Both were about needing help from family and not getting it. One had a cold and she wanted someone to look after her DS for about an hour and she got FLAMED for it.

Yet another poster needed her family to look after DC's so she could go out with her husband and the replies she got were much more sympathetic.

Why does one poster get flamed and the other doesn't?

I don't understand that.

OP posts:
lollipopshoes · 16/10/2010 19:07

s'pose it depends who's MNing at the time, and what kind of mood they're in...

also, once someone has flamed an OP a lot of others tend to jump in and do the same - perhaps because they agree with the original flamer, but perhaps because they've managed to get the wrong end of the stick somewhere along the line.

Didn't see either of the threads you mention so there may have been a bit of AIBU by stealth involved as well

rubyslippers · 16/10/2010 19:09

I saw both those threads

They were different situations IMO

On both there were lots of differing opinions and a fair amount of flaming on both

Bingtata · 16/10/2010 19:09

Maybe because they are two different situations?

Personally I don't have much time for people who moan about having a cold, I do see maintaining a relationship with your DH as being very importangt so I would have seen those posts very differently.

rubyslippers · 16/10/2010 19:10

And support for both posters too

Fairly typical MN IMVHO

HecateQueenOfWitches · 16/10/2010 19:10

I think it depends on the tone of the OP.

Acting like you have a right to childcare by relatives tends to get a bad reaction.

Because you don't have that right and it's that sense of entitlement that people react to.

So if one was slagging off the family and the other was saying isn't it a shame, I really wish it was different... that would account for it.

Otherwise I don't know.

Although the first few replies do tend to set the tone of further replies, I have noticed. I think people go like sheep.

theywillgrowup · 16/10/2010 19:17

agree with queen of witches

deffo sheep mentality,and find if the op or MNer is popular alot back them regardless if their posting or answering

find alot of the other categorys much fairer and calmer

cory · 16/10/2010 19:20

I think a lot is in the tone of the OP and in their reaction to the first negative post.

fedupofnamechanging · 16/10/2010 19:20

I don't think the poster with the cold deserved the flaming she got tbh. All right, a cold is not life threarening but you do feel rotten and I think it's okay to expect a bit of sympathy and help from your mum when you feel bad.

When/if I become a gran, I will help my DCs out with childcare, esp if they feel unwell, as I think that's what families should do.

ProfYaffle · 16/10/2010 19:22

I also think the tone of the first few replies sets the vibe of the thread.

Bingtata · 16/10/2010 19:22

That is easy said karma, but families aren't always geograhpically close or grandparents aren't always physically able to help out in the way they would like.

Spookyoldclothcatpuss · 16/10/2010 19:26

I think it's a total lottery! Also, Aibu threads are like the sea. The tides of opinion ebbs and flows. If one poster gets the wrong end of the stick and flames the op, others will follow. Then someone says something positive and it goes the other way! A bit like sheep, mumsnetters, sometimes!

cory · 16/10/2010 19:26

I feel protective of grandparents having seen how badly my mum has suffered from exposed to too many grandchildren germs out of a sense of duty. Which is why I am sitting here alone nursing my cold while the rest of them are celebrating MILs birthday.

foxinsocks · 16/10/2010 19:29

I also think it's a sensitive topic

I am really the most unjealous, non envious person alive.

BUT, there's a person at work who has his mum and dad, his sister (and her family), his wife's brother and his family and her parents all within 30 mins of where they live. And he works and his wife is a SAHM.

He has NEVER once paid for childcare. Never. She has her hair cut when she wants as any member of all that family will just look after her dcs. They have been away for numerous weekends on their own. When she needs to go to a medical appointment, she never has to take the dcs with them.

We had a work night out the other day and dh was away on work and I simply could not find a sitter. And I got a whole load of grief from this person because he simply does not have any understanding of what it is like NOT to have on tap childcare.

And I think you get that attitude a bit on here. Some people just really do not get the idea that you might have absofuckinglutely NO-ONE to have the kids. Nobody. And that is hard. And I do think it grates people when someone comes on and says 'my mum won't have the kids so I can go away for the weekend' and you have some people who cannot even pee without the children sitting and watching iyswim!

foxinsocks · 16/10/2010 19:34

should point out, having read my rant lol, that I am not in any way bothered by people who have on tap family around but do think you have to at least try and understand those who don't have that iyswim!

MrsC2010 · 16/10/2010 19:51

I think the poster who wanted to go out with her husband suffered from quite a lot of injustice in her relationship with her family and was quite poorly treated, naturally people would be sympathetic. Whereas the other OP wanted family to ditch pre-existing arrangements to babysit so she could sleep, so there was less sympathy.

Original poster
PeachesandStrawberry · 16/10/2010 20:08

karma I agree with you. I was absolutly shocked when reading these replies.

The thing is you don't know the backstory. The OP might have helped her family out a lot and is a bit upset that it's not returned.

If you have a cold, you can feel awful and you need some rest so you can get better quicker.

OP posts:
Hassled · 16/10/2010 20:16

I agree that the first few posts do seem to set the tone for a thread - you very seldom see general opinion swing the other way subsequently.

I think some people (like me, although I sit on my hands a lot), find the sense of entitlement re family help very very hard to accept - both my parents are dead, we have no family help whatsoever, and never have had. I want to shout "just be bloody grateful they're alive; stop wingeing that they won't babysit", which I realise is very unfair. So sometimes that sort of sentiment might be driving the responses.

echt · 16/10/2010 20:29

Peachesandstrawberry your comment about not knowing the back story is down to the OP. People reply as per the post written. If OPs have heartrending backgrounds then they need to say so straight away.

This thread is also turning into a thread about personal attitudes towards parental help in childrearing - a thread about a thread.

ChileanMinersMistress · 16/10/2010 20:31

foxinsox - you're right, I've seen many thread were the OP gets such a hard time if she says that she can't do something or go somewhere because she has no childcare.

Some people do seem to be unable to comprehend that for some of us the reality of life is that we have no support network. You can't expect everyone to always have non family support for 3 dcs at the drop of a hat

poshsinglemum · 16/10/2010 20:36

everyone needs adult time and it sucks when there is noone to babysit. no matter what your reason for needing space is.

Caboodle · 16/10/2010 22:29

Peaches yanbu, I think some people just like shouting at others.

MamzelleDupont · 16/10/2010 22:38

the flaming one was a case of competetive illness.

"i have a cold and would like help"

"well, i have the flu and nobody helped me"

"i have got two broken legs, 17 children and my husband just left me but i would never dream of asking for help"

and on and on and on...

Caboodle · 16/10/2010 23:04

Grin at Mamzelle...sooo true.

Huskyflodynamo · 17/10/2010 11:01

Lol. I was the one with a cold! I agree that full details of why I was so pissed off where left out but generally speaking at that moment I felt like utter shit (I also have asthma which I didn't mention) and had had no sleep the night before.

In the heat of the moment I was just so angry that my family couldn't change their plans to help me when I needed it. I could understand the comment that said they shouldn't have to drop everything when it is just a cold but tbh, even if I was dying they probably wouldn't help!

Needless to say, I felt even worse after posting! Serves me right I guess Smile

DanceOnTheDarkSide · 17/10/2010 11:05

The poster with the cold expected people to drop everything and help her. A cold - not flu. ANd yes i have some rotten colds but as a SAHM i have to get on with it - that's what Cbeebies was invented for Wink

IIRC the poster who wanted to go out with her husband wanted help but didn't expect it. but i only skim read that one.