Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wish I could be a bit more self obsessed like some other Mums?

61 replies

ForMashGetSmash · 15/10/2010 19:09

Since I had the DC's (6 and 2) I seem unable to take as much pleasure in myself as I used to. Yet I have friends with DC's who are always uploading new pics of themselves on Facebook and doing things such as going away for a weekend without the kids...and buying loads of clothes...new and different hairstyles.

They're the same people as they were before DC's...they must have a bloody huge interest in themselves judging by the amount of pics they put up...always single portraits of them posing before they go out for the night...or them and their mates all done up...these are grown women of 35 plus.

I don't have the space in my head for that much interest in my looks or my own pleasure...how come they do? I have work and mates who I meet for the odd coffee/playdate or rare meal or drink out....but nothing approaching the mad nights these other mates have...so AIBU to be a bit confused and jealous?

OP posts:
MrsLucasNorth · 15/10/2010 20:26

Caz - you sound like me 3 years ago. Then I was made redundant, took 18 months off to be with dd before she started school, and started a new job towards the end of her first term at primary school. A year later I am really beginning to get my mojo back and it's great. There's no need to feel guilty - I know that I'm a much nicer mummy when I've had some me time (unfortunately dd isn't getting her head round that at the mo and won't go to bloody sleep) Grin!

Caz10 · 15/10/2010 20:28

Grin does that mean in 3yrs time I'll be married to a tasty Spook too?! Grin

I know logically that there is no need to feel guilty, but I am still not very good at it!

MrsLucasNorth · 15/10/2010 20:37

Only if your fantasy life is as well established as mine Caz Grin - the real MrLN not quite living up to his reputation at the mo!

HeadlessPrinceBilly · 15/10/2010 21:01

Its not that serious? Hmm Okay, try reading your own OP, you sure made it sound serious. You bitch and moan about your "friends" and how awful they are and how confused and jealous you are.

Make your mind up.

FlyingInTheCLouds · 15/10/2010 21:18

Facebook is just used by some to project how amazing their lives are. In reality they are as dull as the rest of us or else they wouldnt have time to update facebook.

StarExpat · 15/10/2010 21:28

I think the OP just doesn't think that going out and getting pissed like that is "fun" anymore and doesn't have an urge to do it, but wants to be herself and have a "life" of her own outside of work and kids and is just confused about how to go about doing that because she doesn't want to go out drinking all night for fun - because that's not fun for her anymore.

Nothing wrong with that.

Am I way off, OP?

showmewine · 15/10/2010 21:38

hmmm i see echos of myself here (not that this post is about me sorry for the hijack) but i don't seem to know how to have fun anymore :-(

RandomMusings · 15/10/2010 21:41

aww showme that is v sad Sad

OP Flyingintheclouds is right

Now think about stuff for you to do, not wife, not mummy, YOU

showmewine · 15/10/2010 21:46

my life has changed so much
so much happened during pregnancy and post-birth
i think i have kind of lost myself

i am interested to hear what OP says in response to the posts, perhaps me and her can go out and do something quiet :-)

I have met other mums but we don't socialise
i don't know why
DH works away; no family close by etc.

StarExpat · 15/10/2010 21:53

I'll join you and the OP, showmewine :)
It is important to do something for you, but it doesn't have to be going out and having loads to drink or going out and staying out / up very late. "Letting your hair down" means different things to different people. I am so past the stay out very late, drink a lot idea of "fun". But many seem to still want to do it. I assumed it was because I became a mother that I changed in this way, but seeing other mothers still doing this (which is absolutely fine - for them - because they like doing it), I realise it must be something else. I understand what you're trying to say, OP.

MrsC2010 · 15/10/2010 21:53

TBH, your postings sound a little 'passive aggressive' (MN Bingo?!) towards them...self-worthy, superior etc clothed in mock confusion.

onthepier · 15/10/2010 21:55

There are different ways to have "Me time", I've got no interest in being out drinking all night, coming home in the early hours and feeling crap the next day, but I wasn't into all that before I had kids really!

I do need and enjoy "Me time" though, but in ways such as the following -

the odd weekend away, just me and dh. (We only do this around twice a year but it does us both good),

Meeting a friend or my mum for coffee or stopping off for coffee on my own sometimes!

The chance to read/listen to music uninterrupted,

I had a shopping day with my sister recently, and a day in London on my own, enjoyed bothGrin

Seeing a West End show,

Going to a country pub for a meal with one or two friends, (prefer small groups to huge crowds but that's just me)!

I enjoy all these things as much as others enjoy all-nighters, my SIL commented once that she found my choice of activities a bit boring and I should let my hair down more if I can get a babysitter, but all these things for me ARE a form of letting my hair down, depends on what type of person you are. Couldn't do a 10 day holiday without the kids though, my friend can't understand it as she does this a couple of times a year, but we're all different!

usualsuspect · 15/10/2010 21:57

Mums with young children should stay in and not behave disgracefully out on the town...tut hoiks up bosoms

showmewine · 15/10/2010 21:58

people change we get older and some of us get wiser perhaps

going out and getting smashed no longer appeals

esp if you have to get up early with a child and d*mmit they can be very long days with a young child!

StarExpat · 15/10/2010 21:59

exactly onthepier. Much better stated and what I was trying to say!

CarmenSanDiego · 15/10/2010 22:08

Just do what you want to do and stop thinking about what you /should/ do or what your peers do. Take up a new hobby and you'll find new peers.

I'm 32 and I homeschool my kids all day and cart them around to extracurricular classes. In the evenings, I go do stuff /I/ like. I perform stand-up in dingy bars. I salsa dance and go to Rocky Horror and I love it all. Why the hell shouldn't I? I also doula and do birthy stuff. Some of my birthy friends don't understand what I'm doing in my underwear in a theatre at midnight. Some of my stand-up friends don't understand what I'm doing giving breastfeeding advice to new mums.

Point is your life IS about you. Yes, give your children and partner what they need but don't forget that it's only you that can live your life so make time to do what you want - there's nothing wrong or guilt-making about it.

CarmenSanDiego · 15/10/2010 22:09

Or what onthepier said Grin

LadyOfTheFlowers · 15/10/2010 22:12

In response to OP, I overheard another Mum talking of 'pictures, then a Spa day with Monica, then drinks at Bar 21....'
and I was sat there thinking 'WTF is a Spa day?!' LOL

Original poster
ForMashGetSmash · 15/10/2010 22:18

Carmen you must live in a more exciting city than I do! there are very few options here...other than getting pissed or walking through the woods.

OP posts:
Original poster
ForMashGetSmash · 15/10/2010 22:21

Showmewine

Yes that's it...I wasn't being sly or judgemental....or "cloaking my judgement in confusion" as headless said...obviously losing yourself a bit isn't that common amongst Mothers here.

OP posts:
StarExpat · 15/10/2010 22:33

It is more difficult to find "me time" once you have dc but good to do and do what you enjoy!
A friend with no dc posted a remark "can anyone help me find some me time?? Impossible!" followed by that night, "wine and friends and a lie in tomorrow" followed by the next day "ahhh the weekend... Should I curl up with a book, paint my bedroom wall or bake Halloween cookies?" yes, I did judge this.... She has NO idea about lack of "me time" or what that really means.

StarExpat · 15/10/2010 22:34

Sorry obv that was fb. And I feel badly for judging.

onthepier · 15/10/2010 22:39

I'm glad a few of you understood what I was trying to say, Me time is different for different people! Do the things I listed come over as "boring" though? Was a bit miffed at what SIL said although it was a while ago!

I like what I like, I supposeGrin

EvilTwins · 15/10/2010 22:48

"I don't have the space in my head for that much interest in my looks or my own pleasure" - OP, I find this a bit sad Sad but I know exactly what you mean.

My DTDs are 4 now and have just started school. I have been a SAHM for 4 years and have just gone back to work, and OMG, I've got a life back. I feel like me again, and it is bloody wonderful. I can talk to colleagues at lunchtime without having to stop to help a small child with their pasta, can nip to the loo on my own at break time, and get to use my brain. At the same time, I no longer see my "mum-friends" (from playgroup etc) during the day, so we've started to go out in the evenings. We do it fairly frequently, as it happens. We sometimes get pissed and even go to terrible nightclubs. Your OP does sound like you think this is a bad thing, which is unfair. I'm on Facebook. There are some photos of me on there - dolled up for weddings (weekend away without the DTDs) and even out with friends. It doesn't make me a bad person or a bad mother.

I think it's really important to make time to do whatever makes you feel like you. I hate the idea that you have to devote your entire life to your children in order to be a good parent.

So AYBU? I think YABU to refer to mums like me as "self-obsessed".

Scuttlebutter · 15/10/2010 22:56

For Mash, if it helps, I don't have any kids and a night out getting pissed or doing dares sounds like my idea of Hell on wheels. I love drinking wine, but as I've got older I go for quality not quantity. I have many hobbies and interests - some which can be enjoyed at home, such as cardmaking, cross-stitch and quilting. These can be done in the evening when DC are asleep, and cross stitch in particular is a very economical and pleasureable hobby. Every so often, I disappear off to a craft show or a quilt show or something similar on a bus with a horde of other middle aged ladies and it's great. I have a ball doing this - no alcohol, no men, but it's incredibly absorbing and satisfying.

As far as clothes go, I really can't see what the problem is in any mum looking nice. It doesn't take a huge amount of effort to look a bit pulled together, and I always enjoyed my own Mum dressing up and going out when I was little - she would show me her outfit and I would be fascinated watching her get dressed up and putting on her makeup. If wearing makeup is not your thing, then that's OK - but you don't have to go round in sackcloth and ashes to prove your worth. My SIL has 3 boys and virtually never wears makeup but always looks great - she wears things like pretty hair ornaments and scarves which really lift the outfits she wears.