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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have locked away my mobile to stop me sending an expletive filled text?

28 replies

sianyc18 · 15/10/2010 13:50

Lots of background to this but in a nutshell split when dd was 1 she is now 11. I have worked full time for the total period.xdh lives 3hrs away and sees her 3 times a year him and his wife say it is the only time they can manage.He pays no maintainence as he is a director of his company and declares an income of nil so the csa say that is what they go on.They live in a nice house and go on weekends away all the time.This is something I don't let get to me anymore but dd recently found out that not only have they just been to greece for 2 weeks but they wrer also camping for a long weekend an hour away from here and didn't say a word. She now quite rightly is upset and when I sent a message to them was told in no uncertain terms that it was nothing to do with me how they spent their time off.He also told dd off for being quiet when speaking to her "mum" as they insist she is called. Am fighting the urge to send a ranty text.

OP posts:

Chil1234 · 15/10/2010 13:54

I'd suggest sending the ranty text. Won't make any difference but you'll feel a whole lot better. BTW...someone who pays nothing towards their child's upkeep (there are ways to contribute that don't involve the CSA) can't insist they call anyone 'mum'.

QueenStromba · 15/10/2010 13:54

Sounds like a dick. You'd probably feel better if you did send the text - what's stopping you?

theywillgrowup · 15/10/2010 13:55

do what ive done,compose txt get all your anger out then send it to your draft,a few hrs/days later you will have calmed down and will delete it,just made me feel better

sorry about having to put up with a selfish twant,sounds like your doing a fine job without his help,and i say that loosley

BloodyMissIzzy · 15/10/2010 13:55

YABU. Send the text (maybe keep the expletives to a minimum?). Your poor DD, exH sounds like a twat.

proudnscary · 15/10/2010 13:58

What. A. Fucking. Selfish. Twat.

I wouldn't send the text, however rightfully angry you are. Just think of your daughter and how all the negativity will impact on her.

Compose the text, hit caps lock and SHOUT IT OUT ON THIS THREAD! If you want, we can role play and reply to you in guise of stupid fuckwit of an ex!

altinkum · 15/10/2010 13:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

sianyc18 · 15/10/2010 13:59

He is indeed a twat but as I didn't see my dad at all I feel it is important to try and keep contact open.He doesn't speak to any of his family because they dared to object to his non payment stance. I am still in close contact with them and they visit regularly which I know pisses him off. DD is now beginning to click onto how selfish he is and is thinking about refusing to go for her 4 day christmas visit.Might just send the text to drafts as suggested.

OP posts:

Phrenology · 15/10/2010 14:00

And that is why he is an Ex

Original poster

sianyc18 · 15/10/2010 14:01

And no altinkum she doesn't but she is quite scared of upsetting people (not me of course )

OP posts:

theywillgrowup · 15/10/2010 14:01

yeah do the draft,it worked for me,u feel like your saying your bit and know its there to send,but after a while you calm down and dont bother,its saved me a few times

good luck

proudnscary · 15/10/2010 14:03

G'wan post it on here! It'll feel good!

ShrineOfCrazyDemon · 15/10/2010 14:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

ccpccp · 15/10/2010 14:09

Tell him he either starts paying maintenance for his daughter, or you are shopping his business in to HMRC for tax evasion.

He may not have evaded any tax, but the investigation alone can run into years and seriously damage his nice comfortable little lifestyle. He knows this.

You need to get a bit nasty! The money is your daughters, not his. Hes not playing by the rules so nor should you.

Send your text. It'll get things started.

Original poster

sianyc18 · 15/10/2010 14:12

She is saying that she doesn't want to see him anymore but the trouble is because of the way he is (complete twunt) if she changes her mind in 6 months or so he will not forgive and forget. He also sees no wrong whatsoever in his behaviour and seems genuinely affronted when people question his behaviour. Think he might actually be a sociopath

OP posts:

ShrineOfCrazyDemon · 15/10/2010 14:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

gremlins · 15/10/2010 14:14

Well done you for raising such a mature 11 year old.

I would take Shrine's advice and see if she still wants a relationship with him - she is well within her rights to refuse contact at this age.

It must be awful for her to see her father lavish attention on his wife but provide his daughter with so little. But I wouldn't send the text - draft it, but sending it will only make it awkward for your DD.

Oh but I would make it known in no uncertain terms that his wife is not her mother and never will be.

Chil1234 · 15/10/2010 14:25

I think that by ignoring your own feelings on the matter for so long, it's starting to get you down more than you think. You're remaining civil 'for the sake of the children', in effect. Which is very noble but does nothing for your self-esteem if it carries on.

If your daughter is understanding the truth then I think that's a good thing for her, not negative or unrealistic. Your own father - by contrast - possibly takes up an idealised position in your own mind because you never saw him.

LoveBeingAMardyBum · 15/10/2010 14:29

I cannot understadn why any woman would want to be called mum in these circumstances

I know you are trying to do whats best for your daughter and you are doing a fab job, dont worry she'll completely see through him soon enough.

PoorlyConstructed · 15/10/2010 14:39

As someone who felt compelled to spend weekend with her fuckwit father as a teenager (who then drop me with his family and swan off to enjoy time with his GF), I'd say that you should make it clear to your daughter that she's not required to see him if she doesn't want to. It isn't her job to keep him happy. Stress that she doesn't have to call his wife 'mum' either. If necessary, say you'll handle that conversation with him for her.

I would discuss the possible consequences too, but I think it's not fair to let her continue unhappily seeing her father out of some kind of sense of duty (particularly when he's so bloody intent on avoiding his duties as a father).

Also agree with telling him you'll report him for tax evasion. My ExP's income doesn't count for income tax purposes (it's not illegal nor does it involve tax evasion, it simply just doesn't count under the current rules), so the CSA assess him at £5 a week. However, as he's a decent human being who cares about his son, he voluntarily pays orders of magnitude more than this. Refusing to pay for your kids should be far more socially unacceptable than it is.

Original poster

sianyc18 · 15/10/2010 15:35

Have had a chat with her she has been out for lunch at a friends today( teacher training day) and they were also discussing it so she has had another childs point of view too. I have told her that she doesn't have to see them if she doesn't want to and she understands this.She has asked me to tell them that she will not be visiting at christmas and would like them to stop insisting on the Mum thing.I have had to sadly warn her that this may lead to her Dad stopping ever speaking to her again and she says that if it does it just proves she was right in her decision. So I am going to make the phonecall later.

OP posts:

PoorlyConstructed · 15/10/2010 15:37

Good luck. I'm sure it'll be a horrible conversation for you.

Your daughter is lucky that you are willing to support her here.

Original poster

sianyc18 · 15/10/2010 15:46

Thanks Poorly.I can already guess how the conversation will go with it all being down to me somehow .My dd is being so mature I am very proud especially as she is dealing with me having dd2 6 weeks ago.

OP posts:

ScaryFucker · 15/10/2010 15:58

it sounds like your 11yo is waaaaaay more grown-up than him

Original poster

sianyc18 · 15/10/2010 16:04

To be honest scary she is more grown up than me too

OP posts:

ScaryFucker · 15/10/2010 17:14

aww

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