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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

o feel let down by my daughters friend's mum?

33 replies

Cumbrian07 · 14/10/2010 21:19

Hi, i'd like some feedback as to wether you think i'm being over sensitive or not. I have a daughter who is 12 and is in her first year at secondary school. We have been close friends with a girl and her mum going right back to reception class. We've been on holidays and had lots of meals round each others houses, day trips out etc and the other girl has done everything with us feeling like another daughter at times. Since they've started secondary school (and before that if i'm honest) the other girl has been really unfriendly, hasn't wanted to walk to school together, ignores her at school, has a list of her friends on facebook which doesn't include my daughter, doesn't wait for her after school and on the one occasion they did walk home together when she saw someone 'cooler' across the road she left my daughter to go and walk with the other girl. She's now said she won't be walking to school with her on a Monday because she's waking with another girl who my daughter was also at primary school with and knows well. This is despite the fact that they walk past our house on their way to school and so they obviously don't want to walk with her, which my daughter has realised. Now I know they don't have to be friends just because i'm friends with the other girls mum but i'm struggling with the fact that the other mum is aware of this and is happy for her daughter to leave my daughter out. It's put me off my friend to be honest as I honetly feel that I wouldn't let my daughter treat her friend like this if it was the other way round. Sorry about the long post but i'd like some feedback. Thanks.

OP posts:

Pheebe · 14/10/2010 21:22

Sadly there's nothing you or other mum can do if the girls are drifting apart. Unless your daughter feels bullied in some way or does not have any other friends you should let it go. Concentrate on your friendship with the other mum (who's probably feeling really awkward about it all) and leave your daughter to negotiate her own friendships (again unless you/she feels she's being bullied in some way).

iamamug · 14/10/2010 21:23

YABU - don't get involved - it will probably pass and you will appear precious and over-protective. I know it hurts but you must encourage your DD to make other friends - she surely can't have only 1 friend?? Good luck.

Needanewname · 14/10/2010 21:23

I understand how you feel but you can't make this other girl like your daughter. They may have just grown apart and its not your friends fault.

Try and encourage your daughter to make new friends and not rely on her old friend.

ChippingIn · 14/10/2010 21:25

Cumbrian :( for your daughter.

However, you really can't force girls of this age to be friends, it seems they have outgrown each other, which is sad, but sometimes happens. If you get together as 'families' you can insist they are plesant to each other, but that's about it I'm afraid.

You don't know if your friend has encouraged her DD to be friends, but she really can't make her if she doesn't want to :(

Why don't you talk to your friend and see if she knows why things have changed?

justonemorethen · 14/10/2010 21:29

I understand that they may not be friends anymore but it's just good manners to maintain some level of contact surely?

I would have a chat with your friend to establish where you stand and let the girls sort it out themselves. However if you want to stay in close contact with the mum then you need to make sure that the two girls have some basic politeness towards each other. They may have some issues that you aren't aware of but learning how to be civil is a good life skill.

SixtyFootDoll · 14/10/2010 21:32

Girls drift apaart, when i started comp I made lots of new friends and grew away from my old oones.
That's just how it is and there is nothing you can do about it other than support your daughter and encourage her to maek new friendships.

chaya5738 · 14/10/2010 21:41

This is heartbreaking. But we can't protect our children from life and if she isn't being bullied and has other friends you just have to let her deal with what life throws at her. Involving the other mother will just make things worse for your daughter.

You will be surprised at how well your daughter will handle this, I am sure. And I am sure you are raising a compassionate, empathetic, and warm-hearted child who will know not to treat other children like this - something to be very proud of!

cory · 14/10/2010 21:48

It can be quite difficult for a child who feels forced to stick to an old friend through loyalty, even though they have nothing in common. If she has found a friend who is more up her street, then feeling obliged to walk with your dd would get in the way of that friendship. It could end up with the other girl feeling she never gets the chance to make friends with whom she can really be herself. If I were the mother, I would refuse to intervene.

GeekOfTheWeek · 14/10/2010 21:53

Yabu

Its very sad for your dd but the other girl being forced into being her friend would just make it worse imo.

unusualspectre · 14/10/2010 21:56

Can you encourage your dd to make other friends at school? friendships often change at secondary level

coatgate · 14/10/2010 22:00

Sorry but yes YABU. You say that you made friends with the other mum when your DDs were in reception together. So much will have changed since then and you have to accept that your DDs are no longer friends. If you can maintain your friendship, then great, and the girls will probably come back toghether later in life.

I have friends with DDs of similar age to mine, and no way are they bffs, but they tolerate each other, almost like family, and will probably maintain contact long after those early school year friends have disappeared.

I feel your pain though, my DD is often passed over for 'cooler' mates, but then frequently does the passing over herself. You will just have to try and smile through iand help your DD to understand human nature and all its foibles.

ConnorTraceptive · 14/10/2010 22:01

It's really hard (if not impossible) to force a friendship and it's not the other mum's fault. If they are bullying her that is a different matter.

I think the best you can do is help your daughter to find new friendships and help boost her self esteem. I think your dauighte would be able to tell if the other girl wa being made to be friends by her mum and tbh I think that would actually be much worse for her.

It is horrible though and I really feel for your DD

pigletmania · 14/10/2010 22:06

YABU as friendships drift apart thats part of life I am afraid, don't get involved unless like others have said you feel that she is being bullied which from the sounds of it she is not. Encourage her to make new friends, join clubs or societies or take up a sport or hobby.

YANBU at being miffed that the other girl is handeling it really badly, and is being downright rude to your dd. At least she could be polite. Feel happy that you are raisig a polite, cosiderate and thoughtful girl.

onceamai · 14/10/2010 22:10

I think you need to be really positive and encourage your daughter to make new friends of her own like the other girl has. My best friend and I had babies at the same time - the children will jog along if we meet up but have absolutely nothing in common. My DS made a best friend at 4 (they're now 15 and this friendship has endured going to different schools at 9). We all really like this BF but can't stand his parents. I suppose the moral is we can't expect our children to be friends with our friends children and we can't expect to like the parents of our children's friends. Helps but it's quite rare I think.

Sad for you DD though at present when she's started a new school. I'm sure she'll find her feet and some good friends of her own though.

ivykaty44 · 14/10/2010 22:11

YABU you can't expect the other mum to get envolved in her dd's friendship and start telling who she can and cant leave out of a group.

It is so common to arrive at secondary school with one or two bf and by the end of year 7 with all the changes and hormones and redefining yourself to make new friends

Encourage your dd to pick her friends wisely and make friends with people she wants to be with, if there are after school clubs encourage this as it manes your dd will meet new people and make friendships with other people.

ForMashGetSmash · 14/10/2010 22:16

It happened to me...it happens to lots of kids...nightmarishly hard at times but it is very normal. Encourage your DD to join a new after school club and to let her old friend go....they may join up again in the future though so be friendly to the Mum still!

AmelieMay · 14/10/2010 22:50

Let them move on/drift apart but encourage other new friendships. They might pick up the old friendship in a year or so.

didgeridoo · 14/10/2010 23:01

We had this happen to us. My dd made new friends & so did we as parents. As soon as the other family involved realized WE were drifting away from THEM everything changed & they started trying to invite us round to theirs again. We resisted as we felt they were playing games with us. It was very hard but I don't regret the course of action we took. They were the losers in the end. I, like you, had always taught my dd not to forget her old friends when a new one comes along. Sadly, others are not always so loyal. Leave them to it. What goes around comes around. Good luck!

piscesmoon · 14/10/2010 23:12

I'm afraid that it is just the natural parting of the ways-you can influence friendships when they are young but in time they will insist on choosing their own. Encourage your DD in new friendships and try joining things out of school.

cinnamontoast · 14/10/2010 23:42

YANBU. This happened to my DS in yr 7 and it shook his confidence and really broke my heart. It was very hard resisting the temptation to have a go at the other boy about it but now I'm glad I left well alone as it meant my son emerged with his pride intact. He's now in yr 9 and has some lovely new friends, so he's learned he can survive being 'dumped'. The other boy is turning into a whole heap of trouble, which my DS recognises.

I really feel for you - when it happened to DS I couldn't even think about anything else for weeks - but it will get better. Try to encourage more minor friendships that she already has with other girls. And remember, the best revenge is to live well!

piscesmoon · 15/10/2010 07:00

Yr 7 is the age for making new friendships. I found that all my DSs made new friendships at that age simply because the numbers were much greater. DS1 and DS3 had a mix of new and old, but I think that DS2 had all new-they are all individual and they make their own friends.
I don't think that you need revenge! You have done well to keep a friend of your choosing this long-it is perfectly natural that DCs choose their own friends and it isn't a reflection on your DD.

Chandon · 15/10/2010 07:42

This happened to me when I was 12. I was an awkward geeky girl, my friend had blossomed into a cool crowd girl. She hated having to walk to school with me but put a brave face on it, as her mother made her do it.

I KNEW she only did it because her mother told her though, and I felt a bit humiliated by it. I asked my mum to walk to school alone the year after. I have my pride!!!

You cannot engineer these things as parents.

Marlinspike · 15/10/2010 08:57

This is sadly a rite of passage for many children when they go to high school - more prevalent with girls in my experience. You need to do as all the other posters have said, check that your DD is happy and encourage her to develop new friendship groups. My DD has had a similar experience; some shifting of friendship groups during yrs 7 and 8, and she is now settled with a wide group of friends in yr 9 (incidentally her BF is once again her BF from primary school, this being after their relationship when through a "cooling off" period last year)

Ladylapin · 15/10/2010 09:16

it is sad - but it's natural that friendships change - my daughter went through a lot of ups and downs with her best friends from primary school, in the end she decided she had moved on and realised it had run it's course.
Your daughter will find new friends, the main thing is not to make it an issue for your daughter, it's really hard as a mother but it's best to keep your upset to yourself and encourage new friends, after school clubs etc.

MackerelOfFact · 15/10/2010 09:44

A similar thing happened to me too. I think it's normal. Take solace in the fact that the friend (who seems to be easily influenced to do things to appear 'cool'), will probably end up in all sorts of trouble further down the line, while your DD will have the strength to stand back and be her own person.

It's awkward to walk behind or in front of someone you know when you're going to the same place though. Maybe the other girls will find another route.

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