o feel let down by my daughters friend's mum?

[Cumbrian07]

Hi, i'd like some feedback as to wether you think i'm being over sensitive or not. I have a daughter who is 12 and is in her first year at secondary school. We have been close friends with a girl and her mum going right back to reception class. We've been on holidays and had lots of meals round each others houses, day trips out etc and the other girl has done everything with us feeling like another daughter at times. Since they've started secondary school (and before that if i'm honest) the other girl has been really unfriendly, hasn't wanted to walk to school together, ignores her at school, has a list of her friends on facebook which doesn't include my daughter, doesn't wait for her after school and on the one occasion they did walk home together when she saw someone 'cooler' across the road she left my daughter to go and walk with the other girl. She's now said she won't be walking to school with her on a Monday because she's waking with another girl who my daughter was also at primary school with and knows well. This is despite the fact that they walk past our house on their way to school and so they obviously don't want to walk with her, which my daughter has realised. Now I know they don't have to be friends just because i'm friends with the other girls mum but i'm struggling with the fact that the other mum is aware of this and is happy for her daughter to leave my daughter out. It's put me off my friend to be honest as I honetly feel that I wouldn't let my daughter treat her friend like this if it was the other way round. Sorry about the long post but i'd like some feedback. Thanks.

I think that is a bit harsh on the friend, Mackerel. We don't know that is why she has made a new friend whom she prefers.

I was the geek who stuck with my old friend for a long time: what she didn't realise was that this meant I could never talk about things I cared about (she wasn't interested or didn't understand them) and had to constantly fake an interest in what she thought people ought to be interested in. Which meant I never got the chance to make friends who were more like me. In the end, I did break off the friendship; I felt I was basically losing myself. We did not fall out big way (we are still friendly nearly 40 years later), but I did start walking to school with another girl that I felt I could talk with. Any attempt to stop this and I might well have come to resent her.

My main feeling at that point was that I felt I would rather be alone than constantly having to pretend I was somebody I wasn't- because she just couldn't understand the person I was. Nothing at all to do with being cool.

I have made new friends as an adult too and drifted apart from some: in recent years have tended to see more of professional colleagues and less of old toddler group mums. Does this mean I am destined for a life in crime? Or are adults allowed to be more fickle than teenagers?

This happened to my ds2 when he and his best friend went to secondary school. The boys had known eachother, and I had been friends with his mum, since they were 18 months old, and had been through playgroup and primary school together.

Sadly, not only did they drift apart, but in Year 8, the other boy started bullying my son, which was incredibly hurtful for ds2. My friend also did not believe that her pfb would do such a thing, so it did cause some stress between us, but we decided not to let it affect the friendship.

I contacted the school, to get them to tackle the bullying issue, and I encouraged ds2 to make other friends, and take up activities that the other boy wasn't interested in; and the other boy totally stopped coming round to our house. It did help that, at around that time, we found out we were moving away from there - a long way away (from the southeast to scotland) so I knew that ds2 was going to be taken right away from the other boy.

Happily ds2 now has a big circle of friends at his new school, enjoys his life and has a far happier school life than before. He and the other boy have also made up - I gather that the other boy has apologised to ds2 - and he and his mum have been to stay with us a few times, and these have been happy experiences.

To the OP I would say - encourage your dd to have other friendships, and to get involved in things at school, like the musical/play (if your school does one) or sports clubs or other clubs - she will meet lots of people and will make her own circle of friends. As far as you and your friend are concerned, I think you have to accept that your friend can't make her daughter be your dd's friend (though she should speak to her about not being nasty to your dd by ignoring her on the way to/from school etc), and you have to decide whether you want to maintain the friendship with the other mum, and whether you can put aside the differences between your dds.

I have been on the other side of this situation so can sympathise with your DD's friend's mum.

You really can't interfere and force them together as this would only make the friend resent your DD. If it is left alone they meay well drift back together, and your DD needs to widen her circle of friends so this natural drifting in and out of friendships at their age does not affect her so much.

In my case I left well alone and arranged to meet up with the mum independently of the DCs as we got on very well, but dropped the playdates etc. The friend's mum understood and we have maintained a close friendship. Our DDs still meet up along with us occasionally and get on fine though they are not best mates. If I had tried to force DD to keep seing her I think DD could have ended up being hostile towards the other girl. As it is they rub along fine but have separate circles of friends.

As you have been on hilidays etc with the family you seem to have friendship apart from your DD's friendship and it would be a shame to lose that.

Holidays, not hilidays!

Lots of background to this but in a nutshell split when dd was 1 she is now 11. I have worked full time for the total period.xdh lives 3hrs away and sees her 3 times a year him and his wife say it is the only time they can manage.He pays no maintainence as he is a director of his company and declares an income of nil so the csa say that is what they go on.They live in a nice house and go on weekends away all the time.This is something I don't let get to me anymore but dd recently found out that not only have they just been greece for 2 weeks but they wrer also camping for a long weekend an hour away from here and didn't say a word. She now quite rightly is upset and when I sent a message to them was told in no uncertain terms that it was nothing to do with me how they spent their time off.

oops that was meant to be a new post sorry (blush)

It's never a good idea for parents to try to manage or control their children's friendships. I don't mean if there was bullying or anything like that, but normal arguments, or the drifting apart that happens.

Your friendship with this girl's mum should not be conditional. I think she's doing the sensible thing by not trying to force a friendship that may well have run its course.

Sympathize. My dd1 is also a 'fresher' at High school and although seemingly happy doesn't seem to have made new friends yet. It's no longer 'cool' to invite friends home 4 t and outside school she's prefering 2 socialise with younger kids she knows from church or junior school. Just as you can't force friendships, you can't live your dd life for them can you? Can't help feeling for her tho'.