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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think "noooooooooo!" or is this pfbitis?

61 replies

arses · 14/10/2010 18:41

Due to start my boy (10 months) at childminder's shortly. Thought I had found quite a good one, but was getting a bit angsty as transition was supposed to start next week and she hadn't contacted me in a few weeks though I had left it with her to draw up contracts etc.

So decided to pop by, unannounced, just to see where things were at. As I walked up to the house, I saw her husband's work van pull up into the drive, followed by hers. In the husband's van, there were two, maybe three children. An older girl of about 10 or 11 in the front with a seatbelt on and a younger girl, maybe 7 or 8, standing up between the headrests. This was at the entrance to the estate, coming off the main road.

I was a bit taken aback, as to me, children standing up in a moving vehicle is a no no anyway, let alone when in the care of someone else.

The CM got out of her car and launched into this big spiel about how she'd been thinking of me this week and thinking she should get in touch which seemed, well, a bit OTT.. all hands flailing and "I was thinking of you today, and your mummy, yes I WAS!" to my ds. Her husband was introduced to me then - he is co-registered - and my boy smiled at him, but he didn't smile back and kind of just stood there staring him out until ds looked away. Then she said: "oh you don't much like him do you, neither do I!" and he responded a bit cattily to her, not at all jovial-like: "well you'd think you'd be used to me after twenty years" before muttering about whether he was allowed into the house or not.

I don't know. It all felt really strange and icky. Is this just because I don't like the idea of leaving my pfb with people I don't know or does this sound off? I genuinely don't know.

My instincts say no about a few things e.g. they often go on very lengthy "day trips" to the coast about 2 hours by car away from here and other little things she mentioned.. but I have been telling myself to get over myself.. but maybe I should trust my gut? She seemed lovely and I liked her approach to childminding when we spoke.. but it all seemed so different today and it occurred to me it might be very good sales patter.

OP posts:
PhishFoodAddiction · 14/10/2010 18:48

I'd trust your instinct. If something about them feels wrong to you then you'll be constantly worrying the whole time your DS is with them. I'd start looking into alternatives if I were you; you need to leave your DS with someone you trust, for his safety and your peace of mind.

laurely · 14/10/2010 18:50

Go with your instinct

MumInBeds · 14/10/2010 18:52

Always instincts with this kind of thing.

JamieLeeCurtis · 14/10/2010 18:52

Doesn't sound good to me. Sorry.

bubbleymummy · 14/10/2010 18:52

I'd go with your instincts too. It definitely sounds a bit strange - especially having an unrestrained child in the van!! Shock

JamieLeeCurtis · 14/10/2010 18:53

And the not making any effort to respond to your son

mrsjuan · 14/10/2010 18:55

Don't do it if you don' feel comfortable. I wouldn't be happy with the frequent day trips - 4 hours in a car in a day is along time for a baby / toddler. And I definitely don't like the girl standing up in the van.

mumbar · 14/10/2010 18:58

I agree - I always say when dealing dc's think with your heart your head just confuses you Grin In other words your heart is saying no but your heads rationalising it and if you talk yourself into it and it doesn't work you'll only end up feeling guilty.

WhoAteAgentZigzagsBrain · 14/10/2010 19:01

Perhaps it's one of those times where if you let her CM your DS and something did happen, you'd be kicking yourself afterwards for ignoring that little voice (or big voice in this case).

Don't feel obliged to her just because you'd feel it'd be impolite to no let your son go to her now.

Catching up with the people who are going to look after your DC unannounced is a sensible thing to do, aned in this case, revealing.

pigletmania · 14/10/2010 19:04

Trust your instincts, dont do it. The lady sounds nice but the man does not and he is also co registered as a CM too. And the kids standing unrestrained in the van no no. Just say that you don't need a CM anymore.

Hedgeblunder · 14/10/2010 19:04

Go with your instinct on this one, I wouldn't trust them at all...

pigletmania · 14/10/2010 19:05

Long trips out, fine with older children but with babies I would be a bit Hmm. what are they going to get out of it, and its a long time in the car.

Firawla · 14/10/2010 19:06

Doesn't sound good to me either, I think if you have doubts it would be better if you find alternative if at all possible, you do sound as though you are not gonna be happy with it at all.

pigletmania · 14/10/2010 19:07

I know a couple of lovely CMs that drop their mindees at the nursery where dd goes, and I would love them as a CM if i needed it, but this does not sound right.

QuickLookBusy · 14/10/2010 19:07

I agree go with your instincts. He is your DS and you are the best person to judge who looks after him.

I wouldn't want to leave my child with these people either, after your description.

SoupDragon · 14/10/2010 19:08

I wouldn't leave my non-verbal child somewhere I wasn't 100% happy with.

TheMulledBloodsOnMe · 14/10/2010 19:08

As a CMer myself I would not feel safe allowing her to care for my children. Description of husband sounds creepy and there is no way I would allow anyone to take my child in a vehicle without proper restraints. It is dangerous. Walk away and mention your concerns to OFSTED.

upahill · 14/10/2010 19:15

Please don't do it.

strandedatsea · 14/10/2010 19:19

I think you've got your answer! I'm with everyone else, go with your gut, it's the best way to do it with childcare. I met two potential minders for my pfb - the first one was fine but just didn't seem "right" - I knew with the 2nd that she was great from the moment she opened the door. And she was.

CrazyPlateLady · 14/10/2010 19:22

Something doesn't sound right.

Always go with your instincts. I wouldn't like the long day trips either.

larks35 · 14/10/2010 19:26

I'm with everyone else here, don't do it if you're not sure. The whole scenario sounds a bit crap tbh.

Have you got time to find an alternative?

loveinsuburbia · 14/10/2010 19:59

Trust your instinct. I had a CM lined up when we moved to a new area and I bailed at the last minute. My previous CM I knew was right straight away.

This doesn't sound like a great situation.

OrmRenewed · 14/10/2010 20:05

No no no no!

A CM is going to be looking after your LO without you. You have to be able to trust her implicitly. All the record-keeping, box-ticking and ofsted-inspecting in the world won't make up for an lack of trust. I had a rock-solid relationship with my CM for 8 years - she had all 3 of my DC from babyhood. I would have trusted her with their lives.

ouchthatssore · 14/10/2010 20:06

Any way you could get more information? References you could follow up? Speak to a parent of one of the other children, or the 10/11 year old surreptitiously ?

Original poster
arses · 14/10/2010 20:13

Thanks for all the replies! It seems the MN jury have spoken! I am pleased and a bit relieved to be honest, didn't know if I was just being precious. As soon as I saw that child unrestrained I knew that I wouldn't feel comfortable though.

What do I say to her? She is expecting me to call round to sign contracts in two weeks now. I think she will realise I was uncomfortable as I think I was pretty obviously so, just didn't know what to say on the spot.

OP posts: