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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think "noooooooooo!" or is this pfbitis?

61 replies

arses · 14/10/2010 18:41

Due to start my boy (10 months) at childminder's shortly. Thought I had found quite a good one, but was getting a bit angsty as transition was supposed to start next week and she hadn't contacted me in a few weeks though I had left it with her to draw up contracts etc.

So decided to pop by, unannounced, just to see where things were at. As I walked up to the house, I saw her husband's work van pull up into the drive, followed by hers. In the husband's van, there were two, maybe three children. An older girl of about 10 or 11 in the front with a seatbelt on and a younger girl, maybe 7 or 8, standing up between the headrests. This was at the entrance to the estate, coming off the main road.

I was a bit taken aback, as to me, children standing up in a moving vehicle is a no no anyway, let alone when in the care of someone else.

The CM got out of her car and launched into this big spiel about how she'd been thinking of me this week and thinking she should get in touch which seemed, well, a bit OTT.. all hands flailing and "I was thinking of you today, and your mummy, yes I WAS!" to my ds. Her husband was introduced to me then - he is co-registered - and my boy smiled at him, but he didn't smile back and kind of just stood there staring him out until ds looked away. Then she said: "oh you don't much like him do you, neither do I!" and he responded a bit cattily to her, not at all jovial-like: "well you'd think you'd be used to me after twenty years" before muttering about whether he was allowed into the house or not.

I don't know. It all felt really strange and icky. Is this just because I don't like the idea of leaving my pfb with people I don't know or does this sound off? I genuinely don't know.

My instincts say no about a few things e.g. they often go on very lengthy "day trips" to the coast about 2 hours by car away from here and other little things she mentioned.. but I have been telling myself to get over myself.. but maybe I should trust my gut? She seemed lovely and I liked her approach to childminding when we spoke.. but it all seemed so different today and it occurred to me it might be very good sales patter.

OP posts:
Riddo · 14/10/2010 20:16

Def trust your instincts. Especially as your child is young and won't be able to tell you about his day.

Lotkinsgonecurly · 14/10/2010 20:16

Agree go with your instincts. Just say that work commitments have now changed, won't be needing them.

katiepotatie · 14/10/2010 20:16

Go with your instinct, they are usually right. I'd look for another CM straight away, you don't have to explain yourself to her, just say your circumstances have changed.

WhoAteAgentZigzagsBrain · 14/10/2010 20:22

Just tell her you were looking at a few CMs, and there was another one who fitted in with you a bit better.

Really, it's none of her business, and you don't have to tell her.

I agree that you should go to OFSTED and just say what you thought, you never know, there might be other people who have also logged their concerns.

BeccaandEvie · 14/10/2010 20:45

No way would I leave my E with someone like that. Always go with your instinct.

Also as a PP has said I'd report what I saw as well.

It is up to you who you leave your child with you don't have to explain anything to her.

spikeycow · 14/10/2010 20:55

I wouldn't, because if the H is co registered why can't he respond nicely to a little baby? I'd forgive most things if i knew my children would be in a genuinely caring, warm environment. Sounds like he's a miserable sod and she's fake as hell.

Morloth · 14/10/2010 21:17

Instincts every time when it comes to leaving your baby.

ColonelParsons · 14/10/2010 21:24

Trust your instincts and please don't leave your DS with her, she sounds dodgy as hell.

You don't have to explain a thing to her, just call her and say that you won't be sending your DS to her, and thanks anyway.

pigletmania · 14/10/2010 21:28

Just say that the placement is not suitable for your dcs needs, thats all she has to know. Dont be afraid to say no thank you.

SlaughteredSheep · 14/10/2010 21:48

Not PFBitus at all. If something doesn't feel right then it doesn't feel right and you should go with your instincts. If she made you uncomfortable them she isn't the CMer for you.

It sounds like she and her husband had had a row. I know that couples often row, myself and DH included, but I wouldn't want DD to be in an environment where the couple may be being hostile where children are present.

minouminou · 15/10/2010 00:19

Nah. I feel very uneasy about this.
Look elsewhere.

forpitysake · 15/10/2010 10:16

i havent used a CM but it doesnt sound right to me either. you have to feel 100% trust with the person looking after the most precious thing in your life. any concerns-just walk away. dont worry about offending her/hubbie etc.

they might have just had just had a bit of a tiff (which we could all have) but they have had it infront of the kids that were there. that might explain why she was a bit animated? she was maybe embarrased to be caught like that and it made her overreact...BUT... they dont sound good enough to leave your kiddie with IMO. the van sounds like an accident waiting to happen to me Hmm

hope you find someone else a lot better quickly

HabbiBOOOO · 15/10/2010 10:19

She's running a business, so you don't need to be any more forthcoming about your reasons than if you were returning a coat to the shop. I agree with the others, doesn't sound good.

SpecterBooAlot · 15/10/2010 10:23

Don't think you're being PFB at all. I wouldn't be happy leaving my child there. And of you're not comfortable, you won't be able to relax.

Trust your instincts. Maybe contact OFSTED?

ginnybag · 15/10/2010 10:59

Heck, no!

You'll have enough niggling doubts without needing real concerns.

You're not happy now, you'll never be happy and you'll fret to death.

If you're not in tears at the thought of having to move to another childminder then it's not the right person. Listen to your instincts!!

Smithagain · 15/10/2010 11:27

In terms of what you say, the lack of proper car seats has given you a perfect get-out.

"I'm sorry, but I was very shocked to see children riding in your husband's van without proper seats and I no longer feel sure that my baby would be safe. I was also very uncomfortable about the way you and your husband related my child on this occasion. I don't feel this is going to work and I'm making other arrangements."

Write to her if necessary, if you think you'll find it hard to say face to face.

Then walk away. And preferably phone Ofsted, because those children don't sound safe Sad

Summerbird73 · 15/10/2010 11:34

You should be able to get another CM pretty quickly, my friend certainly did.

Not PFB at all, i would not be comfortable with this either. YOu dont have to explain anything, just say you have changed your mind (although i am loving smithagain's post)

FloraFinching · 15/10/2010 11:42

it doesn't matter if you're being pfb or not. you need 100% confidence in your childcare. we moved DD from one nursery to another due to a couple of fairly minor issues, as they had begun to affect my trust in the nursery, which meant i couldn't relax and get on with work.

Squitten · 15/10/2010 12:34

Definitely go with your instinct - it's hard enough for the child and for you when you leave them with carers for the first time, without having the added worry of what's happening while they are there.

Just tell her that things have changed and you don't need to use them anymore

maxybrown · 15/10/2010 16:12

I wouldn't justify it at all, you have changed your mind and that is that.

Sound hideous to me - find someone else!

SkilpadsMom · 15/10/2010 16:27

DON'T DO IT..
I'm with the whole instinct thing - thats how you have raised you DC up until now, so it is hyper alert in this department - do listen to it....

Original poster
arses · 22/10/2010 14:24

Help!

So.. I contacted the CM. I used Smithagain's wording more or less:

"Hi CM

I won't be needing a space for DS now. I'm sorry, but when I called by unannounced I was shocked to see a child riding in your husband's van standing up between the headrest when the vehicle was moving without being properly restrained/seated until the vehicle had come to a stop.

While I appreciate this may have been an isolated incident, I have not had a personal recommendation for your service or know very much about you at all, so no longer feel 100% sure that my baby would be safe in your care.

I did not feel your husband made an effort to relate well to either DS or me on this occasion and as he is co-registered and you had mentioned that he would be the registered CM for DS in the event of a change in days, I don't feel this is going to work.

You seemed really lovely and I was looking forward to having you take care of DS as you are clearly a very warm and skilled childminder. However, this incident has made me realise that perhaps leaving my child with a total stranger in a family home is not for me and I am making other arrangements.

Sincerely,

Arses"

Here is the response:

Hi Arses
I have just read your message. I am very disappointed and can say I am very shocked. It may have looked like a child was stood up but believe me they most def was not, the seats are quite high and it may have looked like it but please be reassured that they were not, as for my husband not really relating to you all I could possibly say is that he was concentrating on one of the children particulular as he has special needs and wanted to make sure that he got into the house safely, on his behalf I can say he is one of the best husband/partner of any of the childminders that I know and would never put any child into any dangerous situation. When I say that he would be the contracted carer for your ds if we change days, I would also be around. Please reconsider as I am heartbroken that someone may think that bout our care."

I feel terrible about it now but I am 100% sure that the child was standing up, her head was above the headrests and I could see her hands on each headrest. I can't see how you could do this with a high seat?

I wish I hadn't said the bit about her husband now. I feel really bad about it. However, I don't really buy that you couldn't flash a smile at a baby you were going to care for - there were no children outdoors when he said hello and he kind of stood there then, wasn't rushing in to the kids really..

I feel a bit confused!

OP posts:
JamieLeeCurtis · 22/10/2010 14:28

Don't feel bad. Of course she wasn't going to agree that you were correct with your impressions. She is also concerned to defend herself in case you were to tell others about this.

It doesn't really matter what the absolute truth of the matter is. You had a gut instinct then, it was endorsed by most of us here. Trust it.

Original poster
arses · 22/10/2010 14:28

Now I feel even worse!

She has just sent another text saying she is shaking and feels physically sick and wants me to contact her by phone not by email or text...

It's too blimming late now! I wish I had just said nothing. I always over-explain. I should have kept it short and sweet!

AAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh!

OP posts:
FakePlasticTrees · 22/10/2010 14:32

Late to the thread, but as someone who's also just sorted childcare for my 10month old, I'd say don't leave your DS with this woman.

What could she have said back "OK, fair enough, we don't bother restraining the kids in the car and my husband is a bit of an arse sometimes and doesn't like your DS." - seriously, she is running a business, you don't feel 100% comfortable with using her business, so don't.

You owe this woman nothing, you owe your DS the best care in the best environment you can arrange.

Have you looked at local nurseries and/or other CMs yet?