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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

good friend or just a cow?

31 replies

wouldliketoknow · 14/10/2010 12:27

i had a friend, you could say she was my best friend, she wasn't ecstatics when i fall pregnant, but she had her reasons, nothing to do with me... still good friends, when i was seven months pregnant she started to call to meet and then cancel on me, in a few weeks all went quiet never heard of her again... my baby is now 5 months old and she reappeared on facebook, she is in the states working and alone, no dh, and wants to resume the friendship as nothing had happened, but refuses to tell me anything about why she is in the states alone, what happened with her dh or anything, she wants me to go out of my way to talk to her, e.g. she gave me her home number in the states so i can call her Hmm but she hadn't call me, not now, nor when i had the baby, not even a card or a little present. i feel curious about what happened... should i just say stuff it and good ridance?

OP posts:
heymango · 14/10/2010 12:30

I'd be curious too, but very cautious about resuming the friendship. Let her do the running and tread carefully. Plus I would never trust her in the 'best friend' sense again.

Tootlesmummy · 14/10/2010 12:30

I would say stuff it and good riddance. If she was a good friend irrespective of having problems the very least she could have done was to send a card.

I would leave it as who is to say she won't do the same in a few months time.

Tortington · 14/10/2010 12:31

id have to write a purging message on fb

then leave it to her.

proudnscary · 14/10/2010 12:32

Well it sounds like she's had some sort of traumatic experience if she's suddenly resurfaced sans husband in a different country.

Be generous and kind and the bigger person and call her.

Hedgeblunder · 14/10/2010 12:32

That's really weird- sounds like a drama queen to me!

TethHearseEnd · 14/10/2010 12:34

It sounds like she could've had a lot to deal with over the last few months as well.

Ring her- I think YABU.

Thingumy · 14/10/2010 12:34

she's made the contact,if she wants to catch up she can bloody call.

OrmRenewed · 14/10/2010 12:35

Give her time. It sounds as if something pretty traumatic has happened to her. If you split up from your partner and upped sticks to go to the states to start new life, I think you'd find it a bit hard to keep everyone posted.

I'd keep the relationship light and see if she tells you what happened in time.

Tangle · 14/10/2010 12:38

If she's moved country and separated from her husband over the last 6 months it sounds like she's may have been through a pretty traumatic time.

How much do/did you value her as a friend? As I see it you have 3 options: ignore her, send her a letter explaining how hurt you felt and how confused you are about what's gone on and see how she reacts, carry on as though nothing's happened. She hasn't been a good friend to you the last 6 months - but without knowing what's been going on in her life I don't think you can decide whether or not she's been a cow.

If it were me and I put value on the relationship I think I'd send her a carefully worded letter or card and see where things went - but it would probably take time to get back on the same terms.

SolidButShamblingUndeadBrass · 14/10/2010 12:39

Something major has definitely happened in this woman's life. and it've very likely that it's Not About You. She may have given you her number rather than telling you via Facebook what has happened because there may be legal implications or other risks in her posting on Facebook whereas she may feel or have taken the neceesary precautions that her phoneline is secure.
(Am not saying she's a master spy or anything, but if her DH turned psychopathic and she had to flee him, or there has been some sort of criminal activity or whatever, that may be why she's acting oddly).

Original poster
wouldliketoknow · 14/10/2010 12:41

she said, in a fb message that she lost her phone and that is why she didn't call, but i have been looking in her wall and manage to stay in touch with everybody else...
she has a hectic life, kid in south america living with her mum, got married to a very older man, came to england, last year discovered she wanted her husband to go out clubbing and traveling, he is in his 60s, she is twenty and a lot... still she didn't went home to her mum and kid, she is in the estates by herself...

OP posts:
Original poster
wouldliketoknow · 14/10/2010 12:43

she was my bf, not sure will be agian...
she has my number, home, mobile, dh mobile, private email.... she can contact me privately if she wants...
i would be really shock if her dh had gone psyco...

OP posts:
coodles · 14/10/2010 13:01

I had someone do this to me, no contact for 18 months and I had written her off.

Turned out she'd gone bankrupt, lost her job and home.And basically,had become a recluse for that time.

Anyway,she got back in contact and we have seen each other a few times.First time was difficult, but we are now enjoying meeting up again.

If you care enough, call her. Otherwise I'd say if the friendship wasn't too great anyway, leave it.

arses · 14/10/2010 13:15

Depends. Has she got form for this kind of thing?

If she's generally been a reliable sort and you value the friendship, at least give her a fair hearing. If it all feels a bit familiar, it's time for the heave-ho.

Original poster
wouldliketoknow · 14/10/2010 13:21

she had gone in the past for long periods but always told me where and when and kept reasonable contact.

she was a good friend, then became a bit distant, then dissapeared... i ask point blank and she says to have no issue wih me, but didn't offered an explanation, so i ask for one, 2 days ago and got no answer as yet.

i do wonder if it is worth the trouble.... if something dramatic happened, she is not telling.

OP posts:
deepheat · 14/10/2010 13:30

Sounds like she could do with a friend. The last year has clearly been pretty significant for both of you, but it sounds like for her the significance may be due to something rather traumatic.

The issue here is that someone you once had a close friendship with may need you help. There could be many reasons why she's asking you to make the running (guilt, embarrassment, shame). Its up to you whether you offer support/contact or not. Don't think there's a right answer, but would suggest the hallmark of a good friendship is a willingness to forgive - we all screw up at some point.

DeadPoncy · 14/10/2010 13:44

She may have thought other people would keep you so busy with their congratulations that you would not notice the lack of hers, and didn't want to stress you with the stuff going on in her life. From what you have worked out, it sounds pretty wild.

Why not send her a private message with your phone number and a time for her to call, explaining your last phone bill was rather high. If she really wants to make an effort, she will accept that and make the effort to call or reschedule.

I had a friend come back to me about a year ago, just a different person from the way she used to be - so hopeful and trying to be positive, and it was just a joy to hear how she had turned things around. I wouldn't have gone without that good news!

Firawla · 14/10/2010 13:46

is it such a big deal just to call her?

lucky1979 · 14/10/2010 13:46

I would ring, because I am shockingly nosy, and find out what had happened and if she was OK. Then make my assesment from there on if she had a good excuse for total lack of interest in MY life or was just a fair weather friend.

FindingMyMojo · 14/10/2010 13:46

moooooooooo!

Original poster
wouldliketoknow · 14/10/2010 14:02

she was also supposed to write a long email explaining what is going on last night, but, nope! that is why me calling is a big deal, why doesn't she? why doesn't she explain what's happened? i feel like i am begging her to be my friend, she is the one who ran away without explanation, last text from her said that it was her day off, but she couldn't see me as she was busy shaving her legs (i obviously read, i know i should see you as you are my heavily pregnant best friend but i can be arsed) 7 months later, hi, how's everything? Hmm bizarre...

OP posts:
getoffme · 03/02/2011 10:50

hi, the op here, namechanged.
i don't know if anybody would be interested but... 'friend' is back in the uk, living with her husband apparently, not really telling, she has called and said she wanted to meet up the very next day to meet the baby 9 months old now, i couldn't due to work, since then she has called twice to say she loves to meet up and must arrange a date, but she is too busy seeing all the people she hasn't seen in a very long time, i last saw her 3 months pregnant, so about october 2009!!!!!

so, def a cow.

Greenkit · 03/02/2011 10:53

She isnt worth it, dump her, block her FB page and move on...

MCos · 03/02/2011 15:54

I'm with those who say give her a chance. It does sound like something traumatic has been happening in her life. Sounds like she is finding it difficult to take first step in explaining. Call her.

gleechie · 03/02/2011 17:16

I think she might need your help, be the bigger person.
How about using Skype??

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