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Original poster

To think my parents are being terrible PIL-to-be, and to call them on it!

31 replies

LittleRedPumpkin · 13/10/2010 20:35

My brother's just told us he and his fiancee are expecting a baby, the first grandchild in the family. Smile

Naturally, mum and dad wanted to ring me and chat about it, as it's very exciting. But tell me: is this normal?

My dad started off saying how he'd heard the news from my brother and 'we were trying to work out when it was conceived' (I initially assumed 'we' meant my brother brought the topic up, but I may be wrong!). I told dad brother had said 10 weeks to me. So then mum and dad started asking me where I thought it had been conceived as brother travels a lot - I thought this was a bit weird and to be honest, not something I fancy discussing when it's my brother and my parents!

So then dad says, 'and I asked her - not exactly straight out - if it was planned, and she said you can't plan these things'. By this point I was cringing for my SIL-to-be! After a bit more discussion with each other, mum and dad decided that it probably wasn't planned, but was a good things since 'she is quite old now' (she's 29). They then told me they were pretty sure SIL wants the baby more than my brother does.

I thought this was really rude and I told them both my DH and I had spoken to my brother and he couldn't have sounded more thrilled, I was sure it was great news for both of them and a great time to have a baby. Predictably, I've now been told I'm being stroppy and rude and don't know how to be a decent family member.

I know I'd be pissed off/upset if I were SIL and hear what they were saying about her - but am I being a bit over-sensitive given that they didn't actually say this to her (as far as I know)? Or is it the done thing to discuss the details of your grandchild's conception history?

OP posts:
TattyDevine · 13/10/2010 20:38

Hard to know if its normal behind closed doors between a couple (your parents), but weird to start mentioning it to sisters etc (you)

Really hope your newly pregnant SIL hasn't found Mumsnet though! Because if she thought your olds were weird from the bits she heard, wait till she reads this!

(Unlikely, hopefully)

Grin
Original poster
LittleRedPumpkin · 13/10/2010 20:41

Oh, I doubt she'd find it. Her English is good but probably not fluent enough for her to choose an English-speaking website.

I gossip like mad with DH, but, as you say, in private. I certainly don't assume my brother doesn't want his baby, though! Angry

OP posts:
Vallhalloween · 13/10/2010 20:43

Blimey! It sounds to me as if your parents are questioning whether the baby is actually your brother's!

I do hope I'm wrong and that I'm reading far too much into their interest in the place of conception and the fact that your brother works away a lot and that SIL appears in their eyes to be more pleased than your DB.

NinjaChipmunk · 13/10/2010 20:43

if it makes you feel any better my inlaws basically asked me and dp the same questions, but about the baby we were having, so not even behind our backs! they seemed especially amazed (and i mean they didn't try to hide their surprise at all) when we said it was planned. being a grandparent seems to do strange things to some people......

Hedgeblunder · 13/10/2010 20:48

Gawd poor girl!!!
Well done for telling them to butt out, if I we re you I'd probably give her a ring myself too so she'd feel a bit more welcome and relaxed!

Original poster
LittleRedPumpkin · 13/10/2010 20:51

Gosh ... no, I don't think so Val. I think they just don't realize how what they're saying sounds. They tend to be rather automatically sexist (if that makes sense), so I think they think it's 'natural' for a woman to want a baby more than a man.

The thing is, my DB is plainly thrilled about the baby - you could just hear it in his voice. But it's almost as if mum and dad want to think his fiancee should be more excited because she's a woman and 'getting on' (as they think of it). They were very concerned before she got pregnant that she ought to hurry, even though they'd never mentioned trying for a baby.

Ninja - But that's just what I'm worried about! I don't think they realize they shouldn't say these things to my brother and SIL.

OP posts:
Original poster
LittleRedPumpkin · 13/10/2010 20:52

Hedge - DH and I were going to send her a big congratulations card, but yes, might ring her too as post takes ages to get to them! Good idea, thanks.

OP posts:
Itsjustafleshwound · 13/10/2010 20:56

It is actually quite amazing what is said about SIL's/DIL's behind closed doors .... at least your parents are honest !

It is off-sides and good for you for telling them off

saffy85 · 13/10/2010 20:59

YANBU your parents are being weird. Dread to think what my inlaws said about either of my pregnancies! Grin

Original poster
LittleRedPumpkin · 13/10/2010 21:00

Hmm. Maybe I am just naive - as I say, this is the first grandchild and there aren't any babies in that generation in any of our extended family, so I've not really had experience of how people would talk about it and what they'd say.

The thing is though, they actually like my SIL. I know they do. They just don't seem to realize that saying these things could really upset her and my brother and mess up the relationship.

OP posts:
BookcaseFullofBooks · 13/10/2010 21:08

I think you did the right thing in picking them up on it.
Your poor SIL! It sounds like a good idea to have a chat with her.

Original poster
LittleRedPumpkin · 13/10/2010 21:16

Hi there Bookcase, you in from the other thread? Grin

I just hope SIL is cheerfully oblivious to all this. She does know I'm excited, I was babbling down the phone at her and my brother when I heard, as you can imagine!

I don't think my dad understands at all that these sorts of comments cross a line (in some ways he is even less aware of tact than my mum). He's quite offended that I pulled him up on it but he is so out of touch ... he's sure my mum's three pregnancies are absolutely standard so is making plans based on things like 'well, your mum got over the morning sickness at the end of the third month, so she'll be fine then, and ...'.

Sigh.

OP posts:
BookcaseFullofBooks · 13/10/2010 21:40

Hi LRP. Thought I would pop in let you know I had read your thread.

Original poster
LittleRedPumpkin · 13/10/2010 21:46

That was very sweet of you. Yours is a good one btw - as far as I know there hasn't been a specific relationships thread on mums, and it's a relationship lots of people seem to struggle with (even if not quite as much as with MILs Grin).

OP posts:
BookcaseFullofBooks · 13/10/2010 22:04

Oh good. I'm lucky with my MIL. She doesn't impose or hate me for marrying her PFB. If anything I think she is a bit too reserved, but then out families stemlike chalk and cheese.

Original poster
LittleRedPumpkin · 13/10/2010 22:06

I wonder how many of us who have poor relationships with our mums have good ones with our MILs? I do, myself.

Anyway, that's a question for the other thread I guess.

OP posts:
BookcaseFullofBooks · 13/10/2010 22:06

our families are (Grr predictive text)

cat64 · 13/10/2010 22:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
LittleRedPumpkin · 13/10/2010 22:30

I doubt it. I don't think they'd care (my dad certainly wouldn't give a toss). I honestly think they just don't realize what they're saying is rude. But thanks for reminding me, that's another thing I'll keep a watch for in case it is that!

OP posts:
CrazyPlateLady · 14/10/2010 09:32

If my ILs asked me if it was planned, I would be mightily pissed off. You were right to call them on it and they are being rude.

This has got nothing to do with them in the slightest and phoning you up to discuss when it was conceived is ugghhhh.

Refuse to discuss it with them anymore and if they come out with any other daft comments, call them on it. No one else will.

LoveBeingAMardyBum · 14/10/2010 09:36

I know exactly what you mean, i get put in this position also. Makes me feel very sad for db and sil, also makes me wonder what is said about me and dh to my db Sad

ProfessorLaytonIsMyLoveSlave · 14/10/2010 09:37

It's probably not weird to idly speculate between them, but when they start discussing your brother's sex life with you (which is effectively what they are doing) they are stepping over the line.

fedupofnamechanging · 14/10/2010 10:10

It's amazing though, the number of people who think it's acceptable to ask a couple if their pg was planned (so not confined to your parents). When I was pg I got asked by friends, people I worked with, even people I was chatting with that I'd never met before. Some people think it's like talking about the weather!

DuelingFanjo · 14/10/2010 10:16

Do you think they are worried that the baby was conceived while he was away and that the baby might not be his!?

TrillianSlasher · 14/10/2010 10:18

Poeple always ask if it was planned, isn't that a perfectly normal level of unthinking rudeness?

I agree with DF - the calculating dates because he is away a lot sounds suspicious - and if they ask 'when was it conceived?' that's what it will sounds like they are asking!