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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DH should just give my sister a f*cking lift and stop being so annoying?

40 replies

TooImmature2BMum · 13/10/2010 15:57

My husband has this totally precious attitude to driving the car and has been known in the past to refuse to give my sister and her boyfriend a lift to family events (journey of about 3 hours by car/train). I asked him this time if he would and he got as far as the discussion of whether or not they would chip in for petrol. I thought things were sorted and told my sister she could have a lift if she chipped in for petrol (she has been known to refuse to do this in the past - it's not all started by DH!). DH has now emailed to say he's not happy because he didn't say yes to giving them a lift yet. What does he want me to do, beg?? It is so mean-spirited! Okay, so he doesn't like my sister's boyfriend (he is very irritating), but it is so embarrassing when people ask if I'm giving my sister a lift and I have to go plead and negotiate to get her the lift (and then she f*cks it up by refusing to pay for petrol, even though it would have cost her £50 to take the train, so putting in a tenner for petrol is a brilliant deal).

I passed my driving test on Monday and I have no idea yet how this will affect the dynamics of lift-giving. If I'm driving, can I give anyone I like a lift? The car belongs to both of us, not just him - and did even when I couldn't legally drive it!

OP posts:
colditz · 13/10/2010 15:59

yes, give lifts to whoever you like. your husband sounds like a petty control freak and your sister sounds childish.

mumeeee · 13/10/2010 15:59

YANBU. All drivers in my family give each other lifts if they are needed.

StewieGriffinsMom · 13/10/2010 16:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JennySuperB · 13/10/2010 16:04

Why do you feel responsible for your sister, does she live with you? It sounds on the face of it that yes he should just give her a lift.
But men are funny, and if she doesn't pay for petrol I can see him being unwilling - after all you guys pay for the car, the petrol, the insurance, the road tax and the repair bills so it isn't fair to expect free rides.

This one seems to cut both ways.

"When I'm driving can I give anyone I like a lift?" Of course you can, goodness me, sounds like your hubby may be a little bit overbearing...

CrazyPlateLady · 13/10/2010 16:26

Do you mean that you both need to go somewhere that is 3 hours away? I am assuming this doesn't mean going and picking her up from elsewhere?

I would be annoyed if someone expected lifts then refused to contribute petrol tbh. Its sooo expensive and your sister is getting a free trip while you and your DH have to pay so I can see why your DH would be annoyed by that. Is your sisters BF that bad? If he is, is the lift thing just an excuse from your DH to avoid him?

There is no reason why you shouldn't give them a lift if you are all going to and from the same place, seems daft not to, but your sister should be expected to chip in.

TheBountyMuncher · 13/10/2010 16:38

What StewieGriffinsMom said Grin

Congratulations on passing your test!

melikalikimaka · 13/10/2010 16:41

I give lifts all the time, my DH would without a doubt. Some of my family think it's a God given right cos they don't drive. I think they are being selfish and maybe need reminding that it costs to carry more people in the car and wear and tear etc. Tell your DH, you will drive, and get some petrol money off your sister. Job done.

RunawayPumpkin · 13/10/2010 16:51

Your car your choice

Congratulations on passing test BTW

GeekOfTheWeek · 13/10/2010 16:56

I see why your dh won't if in the past she has refused to stump up the petrol money.

pooka · 13/10/2010 17:04

I've never understood asking passengers to chip in if you're only doing a journey you'd be doing anyway. Fair enough if you were going on the train yourself but then decided to car it in order to fit extra passengers.

But otherwise - just seems a bit mean to me.

JennySuperB · 13/10/2010 17:37

It's not really mean though, because you are the one who has paid for a car/petrol/insurance/tax, and the passenger just gets free transport.

If it's just down the road/across town then yes maybe, but otherwise I think it's mean NOT to offer.

I wouldn't dream of cadging a lift and not offering petrol, that's very tight.

pooka · 13/10/2010 18:24

I'd offer with friends but not with family, nor would I expect money in return. Also, would not expect friends to offer in return. I'd be paying the insurance, tax, running costs and petrol of the car anyway, passengers or no.

bleedingheart · 13/10/2010 18:28

I wouldn't expect petrol money from family if it was a journey I was making anyway. However, I would always offer if roles were reversed. I don't think YABU, I would expect to be able to offer my sibling a lift without this hassle!

ValiumSingleton · 13/10/2010 18:29

Your husband sounds unbelievably awkward and mean. That must be so embarrassing. Is he actually encouraging a wedge between you and your sister???

I'd leave him behind and take your sister.

verytellytubby · 13/10/2010 20:05

He sounds so mean. I've never asked for petrol and it wouldn't even cross my mind.

cumfy · 13/10/2010 20:41

Congrats on passing.

Seems like this is the (almost) perfect solution to the difficulties.

proudnscary · 13/10/2010 20:51

I'm sorry but he really is a/being a tosser.

And you are being a wee bit tossy yourself, for thinking your sister has 'fucked up' for not chipping in and for not putting your foot down with your OH

taintedpaint · 13/10/2010 20:54

When I was ill in quite early pregnancy, one of my friends was an angel and took me everywhere I needed to go. In return, when I was feeling better, I paid her back by taking care of her baby DD so she could have some nights out with her DH. No money exchanged hands, it was just friendship!

Does you sister help you out? Has your DH actually got any grounds to be upset about the no petrol money?

He sounds a bit of a controlling and selfish idiot if I'm honest.

taintedpaint · 13/10/2010 20:54

FFS you your. Blush

usualsuspect · 13/10/2010 21:00

If you two are going anyway why wouldn't you give them a lift Confused

WhereYouLeftIt · 13/10/2010 21:19

There was a thread recently where the OP didn't know how to say to a friend that she and her DH didn't want to give the friend's boyfriend a lift, because they liked it being just their two selves in the car on longish trips, felt like quality time talking to each other etc etc. Most posters agreed that the OP should not feel obliged to give a lift.

So why shouldn't this OP's DH feel the same? He may well do even though he hasn't expressed it.

And frankly I think this OP's sister is very rude for not OFFERING petrol money for such a long trip.

I don't think I'd like to share a lengthy trip with people I don't really like, even if they are family.

TrillianSlasher · 13/10/2010 21:22

I wouldn't want to spend 3 hrs in a car with an 'irritating' boyfriend of my SIL.

shimmerysilverghosty · 13/10/2010 21:23

Your DH sounds like a tit and are you sure you sister isn't responding to that with her refusal to pay for petrol? Is he like this with everyone or just YOUR family member?

Does he have ishooooes with any other petty stuff as well op?

Original poster
TooImmature2BMum · 13/10/2010 21:24

I would give them a lift without even querying it, but there is a lot of history here with husband, sister and boyfriend, and they've all done horrible things to each other at one time or the other. No, my sister doesn't help out particularly - she doesn't drive, we haven't got kids yet (I'm pregnant with no 1 just now) so she doesn't help there, there isn't really anything she could do for us, though. The driving thing is just annoying because I know how expensive the train can be, but petrol's not free either. It is not that my DH wants them to pay for petrol, it is that they never ever offer and she has actually refused to contribute in the past but expects us to go pick her up (diversion of half an hour or so, which isn't much) and then complains loudly about the choice of CD all the way. At the same time I wish DH would just stop being a pain about it and say okay, okay, I don't like it but you want me to do it so I will. I know that doesn't make much sense!

OP posts:
WhereYouLeftIt · 13/10/2010 21:28

"they never ever offer [to pay for petrol] and she has actually refused to contribute in the past but expects us to go pick her up (diversion of half an hour or so, which isn't much) and then complains loudly about the choice of CD all the way."

Sorry OP, but I wouldn't give your sister a lift either.