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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mainly seeking Grandparents' views but any advice helpful

33 replies

DialMforMother · 13/10/2010 15:23

Dd is 5 months old. MIL has always been a bit odd but has been a bit of a pain since dd was born: very openly critical of some of our choices (we're not doing anything massively weird -just feeding on demand etc); treating dh as though he's about 6 and spending huge amounts of time complaining about her own childhood and early motherhood ('i never had any support' - the inference being that dh shouldn't be supporting me).

This is all fine - I feel a little bit sorry for her - she's clearly unhappy and most of it seems defensive. The one thing that does piss me off is that she hasn't bought dd any kind of gift despite being well off (not a bib, not a pair of socks) but I can see that that's my problem and that gifts aren't something I or dd have a right to expect.

I have said to dh that we need to try to get on a bit better and invite her up more often as dd will love her gps unconditionally and will need us all to get along. I said this to a family friend who is a gp the other day and she said it was bollocks and we shouldn't try too hard.

So if I want dd to be as secure as possible with her family are there any golden rules? Is there anything up with which I should not put? Or is it best to be entirely laissez-faire? Should we invite them as often as possible (some risk to dh's sanity)? Or AIBU to hope that you can have a great relationship with a gp who is an irritant to everyone else?

OP posts:
OldLadyKnowsNothing · 13/10/2010 15:28

I don't think there are Golden Rules (no doubt someone will be along to correct me) because every person and relationship is different. How far away does MIL live, and how often does she visit? Is it possible for you to visit her? (Am MIL myself, with toddler GS)

mamadiva · 13/10/2010 15:28

I don't think you need to invite them over as much as possible, just be civil when she is there. If you try and forge a relationship between you it will cause more of a strain I reckon.

Kewcumber · 13/10/2010 15:30

DD loving her GP's unconditionally if they don't return that to her = NOT A GOOD THING (IMVHO!)

Try a bitmore contact ans see how she is and take it fomr there.

ForMashGetSmash · 13/10/2010 15:32

Is it possible she had a crap or abusive childhood? The arrival of a baby now she is older may have brought back nwelcome memories?

Original poster
DialMforMother · 13/10/2010 15:36

She only lives about an hour away. We haven't visited them though as they have a large and very unpredictable dog which was the basis of an argument before dd was born.

OP posts:
MardyBra · 13/10/2010 15:38

Some grandparents want to be hands-on, others don't. My own mum has always been the type the change a dirty nappy/get them dressed/feed the kids when they were little, up to having them to stay at half term and take them out swimming/bowling etc now they are bigger.

My in-laws were never very hands-on. They love seeing the kids every couple of months but have never been proactive with them.

Works fine in both cases, although I would say the DC are closer with the hands-on GPs.

maryz · 13/10/2010 15:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
DialMforMother · 13/10/2010 15:44

Sorry - she has visited about three times. We go to stay with another relative who lives near her and invite her over there because of the dog issue (lovedogs myself btw just not when they're eating my child)

formash - I think loveless and possibly a bit neglectful. There's this sort of general theme running through the family that no joy shall be had in anything. That's why I veer between feeling a bit sorry for her and wanting to shout 'shut up you silly old cow'.

OP posts:
OldLadyKnowsNothing · 13/10/2010 15:51

Totally get the dog thing (though I have two and they're both brilliant with my GS.)

If your MIl is generally a cheerless soul, your DD will learn this in her own time. A relationship between them cannot be forced, and how would a close relationship with such an individual be beneficial to your daughter anyway?

Original poster
DialMforMother · 13/10/2010 15:52

Maryz I like that: you can't fix your mother in law.

It's just that we had a problem before with her phoning dh four times a day leaving increasingly mad messages ('i called you an hour ago, why haven't you called me back?'). He would get all the messages at the end of a working day and be understandably bemused (i think dh was brought by a stork as he is very sensible and good and kind and not at all mad). So we tried him phoning her more often and this was helpful. I wondered whether something similar might work with this?

OP posts:
DomesticG0ddess · 13/10/2010 16:07

It is very tricky, and your DH needs to take more of a stand if, as you say, your DD is going to have a good relationship with her. My DH clearly stated from the beginning that if we wanted any advice from her, we would ask, and that was that. He reiterated this recently (DS is now 3), as she had begun to upset/annoy me with some of her comments about parenting choices. It's a hard thing to do, but completely necessary. Otherwise it's going to always piss you off. He might also want to add that times have changed and he WANTS to be involved in his DD's upbringing and support you (perhaps she is a bit envious, I feel this sometimes).

Also, DD will not love her gps unconditionally - did you? I don't think it works like that. The relationship works both ways.

JinnyS · 13/10/2010 16:11

She sounds like my MIL. We tried various tactics all with no joy. All that happened was that I felt more and more disillusioned.

Now my DS's are teenagers they have made up their own minds. They have no great love for her

ratspeaker · 13/10/2010 16:16

I'd not make any more effort than you are.
Love and respect are earned and that works both ways!
Your MIL has already found that by having a "tantrum" ie leaving so many messages that she will get her son to do what she wants can you cope if she continues this way.
I noted the "some risk to dh's sanity" do you think it's worth havinfg someone around who causes such tension
By all means visit and let her visit but,
I hate to say it, your child will NOT unconditionally love someone just because they are the grandparent
They will return the love to someone who shows them love, they can still have a close relationship with a gp who lives a distance away if the gp is supportive and caring
A critical or unsupportive grandparent will drive them away.

Original poster
DialMforMother · 13/10/2010 16:47

Domesticgodess dh is very good at saying 'no, that sounds critical. We're very clear about our choice, we're doing it for x reason' but even when he's that measured she either doesn't hear it or she takes it as an attack on the way she parented him and his siblings. Like this week when she visited she went on and on and on about how dd loooked uncomfortable in her sling but when we (eventually) said that there was evidence that slings are good for babies because they're close to you she got really sniffy and said 'oh well I suppose that I've psychologically DAMAGED my kids have I?' to which I answered neither 'yes both bil and sil are totally f£@&ed up' nor 'why are you allowed to spend 20 minutes complaining about my parenting choices but I'm not allowed to criticise yours even obliquely?' nor even 'this isn't about you you deranged old bat'.

She's clearly defensive - to the point of asking dh every few weeks 'i didn't do such a bad job with you did I?' but why this takes the form of criticising us when we're new parents and could be a bit vulnerable is anyone's guess.

Sorry, rant over.

OP posts:
OldLadyKnowsNothing · 13/10/2010 16:51

Oh, well done on gritting your teeth. I learned from MN not to make any comment whatsoever about parenting choices, but I've never felt the need. DS and his DP are brilliant parents, and I do tell them that. :)

Your MIL does sound very defensive though, perhaps you could big-up her parenting skills by saying how fab your DH turned out?

FindingMyMojo · 13/10/2010 16:51

it's weird she didn't give a gift though isn't it?

saffy85 · 13/10/2010 16:51

She doesn't sound nasty, just negative but ime that can be worse. I have a few misery bums in mine and DP's families and ignore them as best I can. Along with all the parenting advice from those who talk utter bollocks. It was hard at first but now I'm a total pro Grin

Original poster
DialMforMother · 13/10/2010 16:53

Ratspeaker we were quite successful in stopping the huge number of phonecalls and borderline abusive messages so I think this was a success. We have put our foot down when she has had a serious tantrum and this has also worked (eg over the dog issue when she wanted to bring her 3 dogs to our house when dd was a few weeks old).

OP posts:
DomesticG0ddess · 13/10/2010 16:58

It sounds like she is really insecure about the way she has done things, probably amazed at how things have changed and perhaps slightly envious of the choices, etc you are making. My MIL is a bit like this. And it doesn't help that she has made some bad choices in the past, and my SIL is completely fucked up and they don't speak.

Generally I have learnt to ignore potentially confrontational comments, and it sounds like you will just have to rise above it.

mw27pink · 13/10/2010 17:08

Well I decided to take my MIL advices as a way of encouragig her to be part of my DC lives, and it came to bite me back big time. Be yourself and treat her like you would with a friend of that level of acquaintance. With time things might get better...for your DH as well!

Original poster
DialMforMother · 13/10/2010 17:10

Thanks oldlady :) in my head I'm giving as good as I get!

Weirdly she actually tries to get me to low level bitch about dh too: 'ooooh he's so clumsy/irresponsible/useless' none of which is true.

Am feeling more zen about it all. Just want dd to have as much love as possible, none of it contingent on what winds me up.

OP posts:
OldLadyKnowsNothing · 13/10/2010 21:25

Interesting what you say about her trying to get you to join in low-level bitching. I have two DILs, and while I get along very well, and very easily, with one, the only kind of conversation I have ever had (that's lasted more than a brief exchange) with the other has been just that. She waxes positively lyrical when in bitch-mode. Grin

Hmm.

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 13/10/2010 21:25

(She's not bitching about my DS/her DP, though)

zipzap · 13/10/2010 22:12

If you want to be nice to her, when you do something that is different from the way she did things and she starts to criticise you, try telling her that actually you are doing the same thing she did - in that you are following best practice for the time that you live in and that you are sure that she did exactly the same...

This way, you are complimenting her by saying that you think she did the best for her children (even if you don't necessarily agree!! Grin) and she is hardly going to say 'well no, at the time they said it was better to do xyz but I went ahead and did abc anyway'.

And you are showing that - even if what you are doing to/for/with the baby is different from the way she might have done them - the way you have gone about finding out what to do with your baby is the same as the one that she hopefully did.

It might also be worth pointing out that 'what's best for baby' changes on a fairly regular basis - there's 3 years difference between my dc and there were several differences in what was advised - for example, the way you make up formula feed, differences in vaccination schedules. So you can say that friend's of yours who have kids that are only a couple of years older than yours did things a bit differently and that should you ever have another one you expect things to be different yet again. Add the fact that all babies are different and respond differently to things (and they haven't read any of the books that tells them what they are supposed to be doing when Grin) there is plenty of scope for 'different rather than wrong' ways of doing things.

Might also be worth looking up some of the stats regarding cot death so you can show her how sometimes things can make a big difference to important things and even then they started off advising baby to sleep on their side before doing more research and finding it even better to sleep on their backs.

In that case the research has developed in a straight line so to speak. Other things, like breast feeding being back in fashion and baby led weaning research has gone full circle and what is advised now is similar to what was done at the turn of the century.

On the other hand you might just want to stick your fingers in your ears and sing lalalalalalalala when she is moaning again after telling her that you live in the 21st century and so does her grandchild Grin

pranma · 13/10/2010 22:25

I am a grandma but the rules I have are ones I have made for myself!
1]Do what the parents want even if I disagree
2]Never ever criticise either parent to the other
3]Never touch a sleeping baby
4]Never buy toys without consultation[sigh]
5]Always say yes when they ask me to do something.
In your case I'd make the lady welcome,ask her advice on stuff that doesnt matter,ask her to hold the baby for you,let her take baby for walks in pram etc.
But make absolutely sure that your way is the only acceptable way when your baby's health and safety are at stake.