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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think it is unacceptable to ask one niece and not the other?

35 replies

keelybooboo · 13/10/2010 13:47

My brother is getting married next yr and his girlfriend has asked my other brothers dd 7 to be bridesmaid but not my dd 14.

Its def final decision as dresses have been bought for all the bridesmaids.

AIBU to think that she is a selfish cow not to think how this would make me and my dd feel or am i supposed to just put up and keep my mouth shut?

We are all invited to the wedding and i am really worried that my dd is going to sit there thinking - why did they ask my cousin and not me, he's my uncle too.....

please give me some honest advise, its so hard when you feel wronged over something to do with your kids isnt it?

OP posts:
PaisleyPumpkin · 13/10/2010 13:49

Are they closer to her?
I expect it's probably that she's littler - you know, all fairy like and little girly, rather than teen.
Would your 14 year old want to be a bridesmaid then?

memoo · 13/10/2010 13:49

Think you have to just live with it tbh. Its their wedding and so their choice, its not about you or your DD although I can understand why you are upset.

VinegArghhhWasStabbedInTheTits · 13/10/2010 13:50

YABU, they may have agreed on a certain number of bridemaids (say one from each family)

its there wedding they can do what they like, is your dd bothered?

WhoAteAgentZigzagsBrain · 13/10/2010 13:51

It does exclude you and your DD, without a doubt.

But could there be a reason you don't know about?

I couldn't think of anything worse at 14 to be so uncool as to have to go to a family wedding and feel like a tit in a formal dress!

Your DD of course might feel differently, but could it be her age? How many and what are the ages of the other bridesmaids?

hairytriangle · 13/10/2010 13:52

You sound like the selfish one. It's entirely up to the bride!

ChasingSquirrels · 13/10/2010 13:52

she wants a little flower girl, your daughter is 14 - not a little flower girl.

tbh she probably isn't thinking about you, or your daughter - or your brother or his daughter - she is thinking about her wedding.

Your reaction will probably inform your daughters, so you don't tell her "selfish cow", but say she wanted a little flower girl.

Unless she has other teenage bridesmaids as well - in which case it is very tough.

Original poster
keelybooboo · 13/10/2010 13:54

my dd doesnt know that any bridesmaids have been chosen.

she has chosen 5 in total so i dont think it is a numbers thing.

i dont honestly know if my dd would want to be a bridesmaid, she is quite close to my brother as he lived with us until she was about 5, but then again she is in that self consious phase.....

OP posts:
minipie · 13/10/2010 13:55

I expect it's just because they wanted a cute little child as a bridesmaid.

I agree it's a bit off that they didn't discuss it with you. however I think your DD is unlikely to think that unless you put the idea into her head. I suspect most 14 year olds are really not that fussed about being a bridesmaid (I was a bridesmaid at 15 and didn't really want to be!)

Ryuk · 13/10/2010 13:57

What ages are the other bridesmaids? It does sound like it could be a size of child thing. Might even be that the dress is significantly cheaper as it's smaller...?

Rentaghoste · 13/10/2010 13:58

Let her choose a really nice dress that she's happy with.

Chances are the other bridesmaids will be in hideous matching outfits in a vile colour from Asda!

PoorlyConstructed · 13/10/2010 14:00

Definitely stress to her the (very large) downside of being a bridesmaid. And take her to buy a dress she really likes which will almost certainly be more flattering than the monstrosities the bridesmaids are lumbered with.

Original poster
keelybooboo · 13/10/2010 14:01

The others are 25 23 23 and 21

i'm really struggling to get my head around the whole 'its her big day' thing.

i look at a wedding as a family thing and think family esp. the children should be involved. if neither neice had been asked i wouldnt have worried in the slightest.

OP posts:
LoopyLoops · 13/10/2010 14:01

Make sure she is only referred to as the "flower girl". On the day she will probably have a different dress to the other bridesmaids and it will be clear that she isn't a normal bridesmaid. A 14 year old is too old to be a flower girl, but bridesmaids are usually peers of the bride, not a generation younger.

I don't think this is unreasonable really, the other niece is being used for cuteness, nothing more.

PaisleyPumpkin · 13/10/2010 14:03

ah, the others are her mates then? Plus a little flower girl.
Really, your DD is probably best out of it. Try not to take it as anything personal.

Serendippy · 13/10/2010 14:07

YABU but don't get upset over it. Mention that your brother and his GF wanted a little flower girl as well as the bride's grown up friends and then take your daughter out to buy her a lovely outfit. Maybe show some family photos of hideous bridesmaid dresses if you think she is upset.

WinterOfOurDiscountTents · 13/10/2010 14:08

Shes to old to be a flower girl and too young to be a bridesmaid and is not a relative of the bride, plus you have no idea if she would even be interested.
Its their wedding, its not about your feelings.

Original poster
keelybooboo · 13/10/2010 14:09

yeah you're right i am taking it too personally.

must practise saying flower girl

and thank you poorly that made me laugh

OP posts:
tyler80 · 13/10/2010 14:22

I think you are probably being unreasonable. My sister (17)was a bridesmaid at my cousin's wedding and I wasn't when i was age 14. Never occurred to me that it was something to be upset over.

CheeseandGherkins · 13/10/2010 14:28

Why is it her fault? I assume your brother was involved too...

iliketosleep · 13/10/2010 14:34

Are the 20 year olds her friends? It would be a case of where do you draw the line I think, If say she had 2 sisters and she wanted them then your brother would want you and if you have sisters too them, then they wanted a little flower girl but felt they had to choose all instead of one, the numbers could run up into 10s or 20s if you were trying to be fair.

I wouldn't take it personally, maybe it was a tough choice for them and they could only afford so much and figured the 7 year old would appreciate it more than you DD.

Original poster
keelybooboo · 13/10/2010 14:36

yes cheese you are right. i dont know why i'm holding her solely responsible for upseting me, i supose its because i love him and she is new to the family - and in my opinion should be tying to be fair and thoughtful to her new relatives

the more i think about it the more i know in my heart that my dd wouldnt have wanted to do it anyway (unless it was a twilight themed wedding)

but i still want to scream BUT THATS NOT THE POINT lol

OP posts:
maryz · 13/10/2010 14:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Carikube · 13/10/2010 14:41

YANBU to get upset about it though I think you just have to suck it up; my SIL asked my cousin to be her bridesmaid which really upset me and my mum as I would have loved to have done it - I couldn't understand why a cousin had been asked but not a sister. But I went to the wedding, acted the perfect guest and have maintained my relationship with my DB and SIL (even though she has since proven to be a loon, but that's another story). Although I was upset, I wouldnt have missed the wedding for anything (and BTW, SIL and my cousin fell out some years ago and haven't had any friendship since)

lilystyles · 13/10/2010 14:41

yanbu, I would be really pissed off at this mainly because I know it would upset my daughter. Have you tried asking your brother if there is a particular reason, maybe she just wants flower girls rather than bridesmaids?

mayorquimby · 13/10/2010 14:47

yabu
amazingly their wedding isn't about you or your daughter.