to be angry at my sister for allowing her child to get so fat?

[AnnieDelores]

My sister and I have struggled to get onfor years. We have nothing in common and although we love each other deep down, we really don't like each other much. She is very overweight - about 3 stone. I have watched her over-feed her 9 year old daughter for years now and she is also obese - not just chubby, obese, but I've said nothing to avoid a row. I hoped it would resolve itself. Both my parents express their concern privately, but don't tackle this issue with her directly. They know she has a temper, is selfish, and is in denial about her own weight problem. They're also worried she will withdraw their access to her children. When I visited my sister this weekend, I heard the 9 year old say to her father "I'm fat". He laughed it off, cuddled her and said "you're not fat sweetheart you're lovely." To me, her self esteem appears to be low and she is obviously self aware, yet my sister still fed her chocolate for dessert. I decided to speak up after all this time and offered my sister some help with nutritional support from a nutritionist I know because I couldn't bear to see the child suffer anymore. She lashed out at me for insulting her and poking my nose in. We had a huge row and I think our relationship is permanently damaged and I will now not see my neice. My parents are angry with me for rocking the boat and I'm cross with them for not showing me some support for trying to help. My intentions were good, although I admit my anger may have tinged my words. Am I being unreasonable?

no, you aren't being unreasonable.

I struggle to understand how someone who knows what it's like being overweight (being teased, not being able to get clothes/shoes, feeling crappy about yourself) can knowingly allow their child to follow that exact same path

it;s very sad

Yanbu. There are too many fat parents who are creating a generation of overfed and unhealthy children. Harsh but true .

In theory, of course it's not unreasonable for you to offer your sister help with something if you think she needs it. In practice, if you'd thought about it for a minute, you must have known she'd over react. People are very senitive when it comes to their dc's and their parenting. Unfortunately, there's probably not much you can do. Unless you apologise and continue to watch your sister overfeed her dd.

I think I would find it hard to keep quiet in your situation though, you are only thinking of your nieces health and well being.

the problem with telling people with the truth is that it is the hardest thing to bear hearing

I don't blame you for feeling the way you do, or for getting cross, it is heartbreaking for your niece.

I don't have any suggestions though, these situations are so difficult. I would say that at least now it has been said, your sister might think it over when she has calmed down.

If you could get your parents to gently back you up with a few comments when your sister has calmed down that would be great, but I bet it doesn't happen.

Maybe she knows what she's doing but doesn't know how to rectify it, but retaliated in anger when you suggested a nutritionist. She probably felt like you were attacking her parenting and also felt embarassed.

How do you think she'd react if you wrote her an email/letter apologising for upsetting her but standing your ground about her niece being overweight and you being willing to help any way you can?

YANBU
You would have felt worse if you said nothing.
Sad that you've seen this develop over the years.

Any chance she can be encouraged to do extra-curricular sports, and hopefully meet some positive role-models ?

That's reassuring to hear. In fairness to my mother, she has raised the health issues. Diabetes runs i the family and heart disease. I can only hope she has a GP brave enough to be direct. I will have to walk away from it now as I've sacrificed the relationship to express my concern. I hope, in some way, it might have done some good, but I doubt it.

I think Jareth is right, she might know there's a problem and having someone else point it out may seem like a direct attack at her parenting (and let's be honest none of us like being called shit bad parents).

I'm with you, I don't get on with my sister and my nephew, like her, is overweight.
I just don't allow it in my house, no rubbish. She took my advice and got him into swimming lessons.

It's a horrible situation to be in, but you should be looking out for the little one (your neice) who in all fairness, is being made fat by her mother. She is a child and her mother (your sister) holds all responsibility.

Explain about the massive risk of diabetes and liver disease in obese children...

Failing that just go into her house in the night and replace all the crap with healthy options?

I could write an email when the dust has settled. Good idea. According to my mother, the 9 year old fell over at a recent sports day and refused to do PE for weeks. The little girl doesn't like exercise - probably because she struggles with her weight - and her mother indulges that by getting out her colouring book! I think she just assumes the weight will "fall off" when she gets older, but we all know that doesn't always happen. She feeds her crisps and chocolate and when we all ate roast beef, the 9 year old was given sausages because "she's not a fan of beef"!

struggle to understand how someone who knows what it's like being overweight (being teased, not being able to get clothes/shoes, feeling crappy about yourself) can knowingly allow their child to follow that exact same path

The trouble is that it's precisely the parents with low self-esteem who feel the greatest need (mostly subconcious) to vindicate their life-values by imposing their lifestyle on their offspring, thereby creating mini-thems.

YANBU, my father's daughter with his new partner now aged 7 is obese and it's frightening, I feel so sorry for her and yet her mother and my father know that things are bad because the school is involved as they think it is dangerous for her to be so overweight.

They chose to feed her crap and it's always 'oh she is having a treat', I am embarrased to be seen with them incase people think she is my daughter.

I don't mean to be cruel but the stares are terrible, it's a form of child abuse, she is ridiculed at school and just gets bigger and bigger.

I think you did the right thing, it needs to be sorted out and it's a terrible thing to live with being overweight and unfit, she can barely walk to school as she is so heavy.

I think you've got a point cumfy. My sister shows love with food. She knows her husband loves her the way she is and believes her child should be loved in the same way. Her husband doesn't help and he's a Deputy Headmaster would you believe! I'm going to wait for things to come down then write and apolgise for causing hurt, but that my intentions were good. I'm going to miss my poor little neice!

It's a tough one, I think you were right (and brave) to say something, especially as your parents seem reluctant to speak up.
I think your sis will probably reflect on what you've said, whether she admits it or not. It may sound harsh, but if she doesn't want people telling her she's making her daughter fat, unhealthy and miserable then she should stop doing it.
Hope you can rebuild the relationship, sounds like your niece needs someone to speak up on her behalf.

YANBU. I've been in your niece's position- my parents were both very overweight (way more than your sister), and as I was born later in their lives they fed me whatever I wanted in order to indulge me.

My self-esteem was so low, but I had no clue how to tackle it as I didn't know anything about healthy eating or exercise.

My older sister and her partner really helped one summer when they came to visit, they took me out for walks, taught me how to cook healthy meals, count calories, all in a friendly non-judgemental way. I lost half a stone in the three weeks of their visit, but struggled once they had left, and was an overweight teenager and then adult.

Try to repair the relationship with your sister for your niece's sake- maybe you can be like my sister and be a good example for her, and end the cycle of fat parent/fat child. Trust me you can really help her. I hope you get to see her again soon!

Your neice is lucky to have you on her side. TBH I think your parents need to step up here, they should have much more right to speak up and give advice.

I do understand the way bad parenting turns into a cycle but parents must take responsibility. Especially when the evidence (in this case the child being overweight) is right in front of them.

FWIW I'm about 5st overweight and now I've had my babies I'm starting to lose it. But from the start I've been determined not to make my kids unhealthy.

You're very honest Algebra - I wish you lots of luck.

Thanks I think being a mum has given me the best reason on earth for losing the weight. My mum and grandma are also overweight (more than me) but I'm not just going to resign myself to that fate. I'd be devastated if my kids end up like your niece because it would be MY fault.

YANBU

DH's sisters children are obese - I have stood by over the years and watched her overfeed them and felt very sad. We have type 1 and type 2 diabetes in the family and hypertension.

But I would never say anything because I don't think - coming from me - it would achieve anything. I think my SIL knows that her children have a serious problem but feels helpless to do anything about it.

And in the last year my own dd has put on a load of weight, despite mine and dh's best efforts to stop her over-eating and to keep her active. It's very hard, it really is. We eat healthily in our house and dd loves vegetables and fruit. She's very greedy though, and at 11 it's hard to keep her away from food and to deal with her stroppiness when you say 'no' to her.

OP you say "My intentions were good, although I admit my anger may have tinged my words."

How did you express your concern?

Hi Unavailable. I said I was concerned that the 9 year old was unhappy and that I'd heard her say "I'm fat" after wehad been loking at pictures of wedding dresses. I asked if I could help by pulling together a nutritional plan with a nutritionist I know at work. I said the rest of the family were concerned too. She told me to butt out so I walked away into the other room. a few minutes later, she followed me n to the room and lost it. Called me vain, controlling and always wanting to meddle in other people's lives. I then got angry too and said that my family were frightened of her and her temper and that she was ignoring what was in front of her.

the overweight children i have known , have remained overweight, one is an obese teen now. fat children tend to become fat adults.

3 stone is a lot to lose. i have just joined Slimming world to do precisely that.. i am an adult and can make sure i eat the correct things , i knew what to eat before, but going overboard on wine/cripss etc was not the best thing.
anyway, the point is, teh child is not in control, the parents are. the child acnnot go to the supermarket and buy fruit & veg and healthy foods and then go home and cook it.they are reliant on their parents to do it

i imagine the parents are in denial and love their child and making suere she has nice food to eat is part of that
YANBU to have said something but i think however you would have said it, it would have been taken badly

YANBU.

This is a serious health concern but as most posts on here have said, parents do get offended when you try and give advice/tell them what to do.

Perhaps have a sit down with your parents and maybe you can all explain together the dangers of the situation.

I found this, maybe showing it to your sister will help it will help:

supernanny-comfort eating

Annie, it sounds like your sister was not be ready to hear this however it was approached. Maybe when she has a chance to reflect, she will begin to accept it is an issue.

Is this really something to fall out as a family over, surely as the child grows up she cannot help but be bombarded with healthy eating messages from school, that combined with wanting to wear trendy gear should be the caatlyst for change within the child itself ?