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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Telling others peoples children off?

58 replies

lilystyles · 12/10/2010 16:38

Just wondering who has ever done this/had this done to their kids/would never do this?
I've been in situations with my DD and DS where other children have hit/pushed/teased them and I have asked the other children to stop (but only ever when their own parents haven't stepped in) I'm not talking a full on lecture but a firm 'please stop that' My DD and DS are 2 & 5 btw.

OP posts:

LindyHemming · 12/10/2010 16:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ConnorTraceptive · 12/10/2010 16:43

I haver done plenty of times but only when the other parent isn't around to do it or if theyt aren't stepping up and doing it themselves and that would only be if they are physically hurting or being deliberately mean to one of mine. If it's just general naughtyness I butt out

Original poster

lilystyles · 12/10/2010 16:43

Euphemia - me too, if I'm looking after DD friends and their behaviour is unacceptable I will tell them so and would expect the same if someone was looking after DD

OP posts:

tassisssss · 12/10/2010 16:46

I do this all the time (also a teacher). I do try not to tell them off if there parents are there but sadly I don't always achieve this [cringe]. In my defense I'm very happy for others to tell mine off.

fedupofnamechanging · 12/10/2010 16:51

I don't like other people telling my DCs off and would prefer for them to tell me, so I can do it if I feel it's necessary. I wouldn't tell off someone elses child unless the parent was nowhere to be seen or my child was being affected by their behaviour

Original poster

lilystyles · 12/10/2010 16:54

karmabeliever - yes that's what I mean, if they are being mean or aggressive towards my own child

OP posts:

anonymousbird · 12/10/2010 16:56

What Euphemia said, pretty much.

I cannot abide rudeness, either to me or between the DC's - and of course anything physical, other than a good natured muck about is utterly out of the question.

Don't care who the child is, if they are in my care, they get treated my way!

And I would fully expect another parent to act similarly towards my DC if I wasn't there/hadn't seen something that happened.

HeadlessLadyBiscuit · 12/10/2010 16:57

I tell other people's children off all the time and have no issue with my child being told off. I only do it when they are hitting/knocking over/snatching. If you wait for the other parent to come over and say something, the moment's lost.

I really don't see what the big deal is about saying 'no thank you, don't hit X, it's not very kind'.

anonymousbird · 12/10/2010 16:58

What I should have added is that my post above is assuming their parent IS NOT present.

activate · 12/10/2010 16:59

I love it when other people tell my children off - it saves me the effort and it reinforces the fact that eveyrone cares how children behave.

However nowadays DS1 gives back

HeadlessLadyBiscuit · 12/10/2010 17:09

I agree activate - means I can sit back and relax :o

lennon80 · 12/10/2010 17:14

No I often tell other people's children off and only really awful parents would take offence. I remember once being told off by an elderly lady on a bus as my foot went up her backside as she was sitting infront. It was an accident but I was mortified that another adult had told me off. My mother did not get all aggressive and over protective (it was an accident) she just apologised to the lady and said 'see now keep your feet still'.

In other cultures its actually seen as societies responsibility that children are disciplined if necessary by ALL adults. YANBU.

badcoverversion · 12/10/2010 17:47

I haven't done it myself but YANBU.

I caught a couple of 'big girls' (4-5 yrs by the look of them) berating my 2.5 yr old DS in a jungle gym last week. I was keeping my eye on the tyke whilst perusing the red tops and wolfing down a giant slice of carrot cake sipping a sparkling water.

Anyhoo I heard the biggest girl say "Go away little boy, we don't want to play with you, you're horrible"...and then the other one - obvs trying to impress her wellard compadre - chirped up "yeah you're horrible, go away, we don't like you!" and knocked him to the ground.

I was up like a shot and throwing my death stare at the less-than-little madams like I was about to get medieval on their asses. I did contemplate having a word in their shell like but decided that it wasn't worth the hassle...they looked half ready to shit their britches anyway.

I continued eyeballing them psychotically and said to my LO "come on Noah, Mummy doesn't think you're horrible...lets go find something better to do because IT'S RUBBISH AROUND HERE anyway" and flounced off all mature and dignified.

My LO waved at them and shouted "bye bye wickle girls, see you in a bit!"... Class act that boy.

activate · 12/10/2010 17:59

LOL at the thought of a 4-5 year old being a "big girl"

and what an abysmal response you made - far better to have said "Please do not talk to other children like that. It's not nice, how would you feel if someone spoke to you in that way"

oh and I agree with the poster who said "only really awful parents would take offence"

heppy23 · 12/10/2010 17:59

We picked up a great phrase from the marvellous teach our DS had in reception - "No thank-you".

I use it a lot when other kids are being rude etc.

The best thing is it's perfectly polite and you can say it really loud. It draws attention but no-one can say you are being awful to their kids.

I used it the other day at the local soft play, my son (5) got involved in game that involved kicking and he ended up with 4 lads kicking at him. I grabbed him out the situation and said "No thank-you, we do not like kicking games like that".

You can't depend on people to keep their kids out of mischief so you have to be prepared to step in.

DS is tall for 5 and very bright and articulate but he's painfully polite and very sensitive at times. He's had a few run ins at school with kids who can only resort to pushing and shoving, they seem to be incapable of relating to other children at times.

activate · 12/10/2010 18:00

rather than "mature and dignified" flouncing I think your flouncing was "immature and pathetic"

an adult getting snide and sarcastic at a 4 or 5 year old? I've heard everythign now

HeadlessLadyBiscuit · 12/10/2010 18:09

Did you see my post heppy?

I always say 'no, thank you'. It's brilliant because you never sound rude, even when you want to shout 'get your XXXX hands off my DD's neck' or whatever ::)

heppy23 · 12/10/2010 18:11

I sort of did, new on here and not used to the forum format.

HeadlessLadyBiscuit · 12/10/2010 18:17

I wasn't having a go! :)

I really think it's a great way of telling any children off because it's not telling them they're naughty but that their behaviour isn't socially acceptable. I have no idea where I got it from ...

badcoverversion · 12/10/2010 18:18

Oh activate...I think you'll find on closer inspection of my post that I was being a tad sarcastic. Of course I know my snidy aside was bloody childish but sometimes needs must. I actually felt really bad for my LO...all he wanted was to play within the same vicinity as the older girls and they practically spat their insults in his face like miniature bullies.

I don't understand that type of behaviour because I've never been around it (I have 10 nephews and nieces btw) and I reacted totally out of character.

...and they were very big girls, would you rather I described them as rotund or porky or sturdy or some other equally hideous and insulting adjective? I was actually trying to be pleasant.

Anyway, chill your frigging boots ferchrisake.

rainbowinthesky · 12/10/2010 18:22

Badcoversation (sp). You might feel very differently about 4 and 5 year olds being "big" when your lo is that age. They're babies themselves.

Tippychoocks · 12/10/2010 18:24

Erm, I think I am an awful parent who takes offence . I know a mum whose child is a bit of a horror - the usual won't share, major tantrums, gloating etc, nothing too terrible. She indulges this behaviour totally but leaps on any child displaying even a fraction of the same, in front of the parents. She's only done it to mine once

activate · 12/10/2010 18:32

oh so rather than calling them "big girls" meaning grown-up you meant fat girls

nice

CrazyPlateLady · 12/10/2010 18:38

Not all parents who take offence are bad parents.

I have no problem with it if I am not there and DS has hurt someone or something, but if I am there, it is my job, nobody elses. Its different if I don't see or hear him hurt someone but I started a thread recently about how a friend of mine is always on at my DS and tells him off for things that don't warrant telling off, and even though her DS is there too, she will always blame mine, therefore I prefer to be the one to judge if my DS needs telling off and that does not make me a bad parent.

If, like the OP said, parent isn't anywhere around and child is hitting someone or the situation like badcoverversion described, that would be an acceptable situation in which to tell another child off (not including when they are at school, that is different all together).

minxofmancunia · 12/10/2010 18:40

I don't mind a firm "please don't do that" or "that's not nice" to dd in the right context but I do think some adults can be somewhat over zealous in their policing of other dcs, and actually revel in ait which is a bit . I hate if it i have to step in with other children, I certainly don't like it.

TBH I have a few friends who're teachers and they're a bit on top with the old telling off of other kids tbh, have had to tell one to back off a bit with dd. If I'm there and you have a problem with some minor issue let me know first and i'll deal with it as i'm her Mum.

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