Telling others peoples children off?

[lilystyles]

Just wondering who has ever done this/had this done to their kids/would never do this?
I've been in situations with my DD and DS where other children have hit/pushed/teased them and I have asked the other children to stop (but only ever when their own parents haven't stepped in) I'm not talking a full on lecture but a firm 'please stop that' My DD and DS are 2 & 5 btw.

I think I'd better have a here

This is a really tricky issue for a group of us right now, as we have a very nice friend who WILL NOT discipline her ds. He's 4, as are the other dc in this particular group of friends, and he hits and bullies them all, resulting in none of the other kids wanting to play with him. She is intelligent and lovely, but seems to have a blind spot where her ds is concerned. We usually end up saying something like, "come on you two, play nicely please!" and glaring at her child, which is unfair on our dc, as they are usually just the recipient of the bad behaviour, rather than causing any of it. The sad result is that most of us are choosing to see her only at adult functions, and not inviting her to anything where her child would be too.

to those that do take offence if your kids are being brought up well then they shouldnt need to be being told off by other adults. I dont EVER recall having to be told off by any other adults as any bad behaviour was strictly confined to the house for my own parents. Of my friends children the ones I have had to tell off are the ones where there are very limited boundaries in place and they act wholly inappropriately.

I do not have a problem with anyone telling off my DS if I'm not there, I'm not dealing with it but most importantly if they're precious DC's are not doing the same thing. DS usually only needs to be told once and when he's told no/stop or something by another parent who's dc carries on and is begged encouraged bribed to stop the behaviour I have taken to paraising DS unecessarily loudly about stopping when asked.

Can't you tell I have been in this situation before

As for telling another child off I will ask them to stop, or use a firm I've asked you to stop so please do, but I know some dc's who run to Mummy and I end up feeling like a villian so I only do it when DS is getting or has got hurt.

Kiwikat I would simply not allow my child, if at all possible, to socialise with that other child.

Parents like that are fuckwits.

And as for "No Thank You" referred to above - that is a long standing one in this family, both this generation and the previous!!! Big fans of that one.

Crazyplatelady - it's the parent's job first and foremost, I agree, but the parent needs to make sure they are doing the job, otherwise, I think another parent is entitled to step in the example of Kiwikat.... (or just avoid).

I have told other people's children off but only if they have done something that I think is really bad like mowing DS down or hitting him. TBH I would not be offended if someone told my DS off if he was being naughty because it would then save me the trouble (although most people are sympathetic to a 16 month old). The only thing I would not like another parent doing is disciplining my child - that is definitely for the parent to do.

Ali, I agree, if we got to the point of feeling any need to discipline, things have gone way too far and I suspect they offending child would have been handed back long long before that point in time!!!!!! That is indeed a whole new ball game....

Perish the thought! The dynamics and complications of either disciplining someone else or have one of one's own DC disciplined by someone other than immediate family member or guardian is seriously .

I agree anon I just tend to think that parents are like me who actually watch their children and see when they are playing up, which is why I would get pissed off if someone jumped in first or told DS off for something that was unnecessary. Sadly there do seem to be too many that do turn a blind eye.

Badcoverversion- but if you meant "big girls" by being fat, why? What difference does it make if they are chubby little beggars or skinny little beggars?

I don't have an issue with anyone telling DD off if she's rude to their DC in the park- I tell other peoples' DC off if they pick on DD. Did get into an arguement with one mother though who had a go at DD for kicking (accidently) her DS after he bit her on her bottom when she was climbing up the slide. She kept insisting her DS had done nothing wrong and stormed out the park telling anyone who would listen what a typical, awful teenage mum I apparently am. I just preened at being mistaken for a teenager

i have told other children off, and amongst my group of friends it is accepted that we will all deal with each other's children if they are out of line - but then we all have similar "expectations" where our kids are concerned.

I remember once at toddler group, when dd1 was going through a rather...erm...challenging phase, and landed a smack on a smaller child. I wasn't quick enough to intervene, and the other mum went absolutely ballistic and screamed "you horrible, nasty little girl" at my dd1, and I mean, screamed. The whole place fell silent.

I was mortified, but at the same time rather annoyed at her extreme reaction (I don't think I'd ever tell off a child that way, mine or anyone else!). I went over and apologised, but she was very frosty. Then half the mums came over to ME to tell me how shocked they were at her shouting, what an over-reaction, and how my dd really wasn't a problem etc. etc.

I don't think I saw them at toddler group after that......

I think 'situational judgement' is the key, for me at any rate. I will raise an eyebrow or say something if they are over 2 and hurt me - usually 'ow.'

Then I follow the guide set by the parents' behaviour - if they're 'commentators' I might voice a nice calm opinion if one of their kids is playing up and parents are frazzled. If the parents are not, er, actively involved, I keep schtumb, which is usually miles more difficult as the children are often much worse behaved (see above.)

Maybe I'm delusionally interfering, but sometimes a mild, quiet interjection from a non-parent can deal with an incident faster than hassled parents at 3000 db.

I can't help sharing that there have been two incidents in my life when I was physically incapable of telling off. Same kid, aged 4, repeatedly punching his pregnant mother in the stomach, then running off to kick a sleeping dog in the park. Jaw dropped and was struck dumb.

Mummy didn't believe in cramping his style. Other kids were terrified of him and families began to avoid them. The school, not ideally for the other children involved, put him on a SEN programme before experts lined up to tell them the parents needed the help. Fast forward four years and he's fine - indeed lovely - Mummy was last seen whipping out a potty onto the carpet of a very swanky restaurant because her youngest, DD of 3, wanted the loo.

Was at my friend's house earlier. She bollocked ds1 for being rough with people. I bollocked her ds1 for being unfair with computer games.

All's fair. When it's out of my immediate remit, I say "DarlingFriend, I think you need to talk to X!" and I expect my friends to do the same. Our Children Know They Are Watched

I only hang out with mothers if I feel comfortable reprimanding their children, and I expect them to do the same to DS. :)

activate...are you being deliberately obtuse?

No, I meant they were obviously big girls for their age and they were big girls inasmuch as they were around 3 times the size of the curious toddler they berated and pushed over.

I made a childish, snidy remark to a couple of kids picking on a relative baby...I'm pregnant, I'm hormonal, I'm defensive and childish...but I hardly think it warrants the whole holier-than-thou act some of you are putting now.

I mean I'm pathetic and my response was abysmal? Really? I'd say it was a bit pants and reactionary myself...nothing more, nothing less.

I think it's important message to children that bad behaviour will not be tolerated by any adult, and am happy to share admonishing duties equally across all parents, so long as the telling-off is kept fair and even.

FWIW, badconversion, I'd be mortified if my DS at 4 or 5 pushed a smaller child and told him that he was horrible.

badconversion - No I'm not being obtuse. I think you handled it badly and I would be embarrassed at having said that kind of thing around a 4 or 5 year old rather than dealing with it as an adult and a parent. Maybe it's perspective and once you have a 4 or 5 year old you'll cringe at your reaction.

Yes it was a horrible thing for a child to do to your toddler - no doubt. But they were children, small small children and you are an adult.

And I'm sorry you're hormonal but you seem proud of your reaction - proud enough to post it on a forum.

Of course they should-no one is an island-I have no hesitation. I am quiet and polite, but I will do it if necessary. It is a big mistake to let DCs think (as they sometimes say)'you can't tell me off-you are not my mummy'-I think 'I can and I will'!
I have to say that I don't generally find it necessary.

I think badcover is getting an unneccesarily hard time here...if these girls were indeed 'sturdy', they were probably quite intimidating in size to her DS.

I once asked a little boy if he would mind being a bit more careful around the babies in an under 3 softplay area (this child was at least 6 and was throwing big lumps of vinyl-covered foam around the babies' heads so I think I was being fairly restrained!).

No parent to be seen leading up to this. The minute I sat down again, this woman was suddenly in my face.

"Did you say something to MY CHILD?"

"Um.. yeah, I asked him to be careful."

"Don't speak to MY CHILD, I'll say something if it needs to be said!"

Now, I can do an evil stare myself with the best of them, so I looked her back and said in a calm voice "You weren't there."

"Yes I was! Yes I was! I was over there"

"Well, it can't have been close enough to see, or else you'd have intervened" "and this soft play is for under threes, after all."

"Come here, XXXX! We're not staying here to be insulted by this BITCH!"

And for the rest of the holiday I could feel this stare of unremitting hatred knifing into my back whenever she was around... freaky.

DD is now the same age as that little boy was and I could quite see her doing exactly the same thing if left unsupervised, with no malice intended. But she wouldn't be left unsupervised in an area not for her age group :)

Didn't put me off, though. I don't hesitate to police DD's behaviour and expect the same of other parents - if they don't, then I would always suggest to a child that they might not want to be doing that if I thought their behaviour was out of line...

and I can't spell unnecessarily at stupid o'clock in the morning!

I also think badconversation is getting a hard time here. I wouldn't expect my 5 year old DD to behave like these girls did towards a toddler, in comparison to a 2.5 year old they are quite big(I have a 2.5 yr old and a 5 yr old son and a 5 yr old daughter)... So she made a snide remark, I am sure they weren't traumatised by it if they even heard, by all accounts it sounds like it was quite a horrible situation! She was upset because her child had been knocked to the ground and bullied and said something snide which she regretted, sheeesh, no need to hang the poor woman!

That was meant to read I have a 2.5 yr old son and a 5yr old daughter

Sorry I didn't mean to sound patrionising saying 'poor woman' just read it back and it sounds a bit patrionising!

I think that you did the right thing Lovecat-if you stay calm and polite they just look silly when they rant and rage-it is important not to get drawn in-treat it like a 2 yr old tantrum and ignore!