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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not go to Christmas meal?

43 replies

Mibby · 12/10/2010 09:20

This is my first AIBU so please be gentle

A large group of our friends usually organise a Christmas get together/ meal etc in early December. We're expecting our first baby on Nov 8 so when the meal plans were mentioned this year I said not to include us, this seemed ok at first but now I'm getting a lot of grief from the girl organising it because we're not going.

We weren't part of the decision on where to go and having seen the venue/ menu I think its pretty expensive (meal for 2 plus drinks is the majority of a weeks SMP) and not very Christmassy (no Turkey!) but the main thing is the baby.

If she arrives on time she'll be about 5 weeks old at the time of the meal. I cant see any babysitter taking her (no family close enough to babysit at night either) and I'm not sure I'd want to take her, even if we could (do licencesed resturants allow babys in the evening?)

We're the first couple in this group of friends to have a baby and I guess no-ones really thought thru the logistics but some of the comments from the 'organiser' have been very unkind (we're selfish and will 'lose friends' by not wanting to go out)

Your thoughts please.......

OP posts:

tellnoone · 12/10/2010 09:23

Yanbu, just ignore the moaning. You've already said you're not going

keepeverybodyhappy · 12/10/2010 09:23

If they are friends that you could easily "lose" are they worth keeping?

StealthPolarBear · 12/10/2010 09:25

No yanbu, it sounds like your friend has no idea of the reality of life with a baby.
There are 2 options:

Your baby sleeps all the way through in a car seat
Your baby screams and wants feeding / settling / soothing all the time.

2 is much better done in your own home, and unfortunately there's no way of knowing which it's likely to be. You may still be recovering from the birth, and may still be bleeding. You can't afford it, and are fairly likely to really really not want to go anyway, meaning you'd resent it.
Well that's my opinion anyway :o Congratulations on your pregnancy and take yourselves out for a low cost, low stress meal when you want to!

domesticsluttery · 12/10/2010 09:26

YANBU.

I wouldn't have wanted to leave any of mine at 5 weeks. By my 3rd I would have probably taken her with me and let her sleep in teh corner, but I'm not sure I would have with my first. Also if the meal is expensive in comparison to the money that you have to live on then YA definitely NBU.

I was the first of my group of friends to have children, and at times it does feel as though you are living on a different planet to them. Wait until the organiser has her first baby then have a quiet chuckle to yourself as she realises how U she was being.

verytellytubby · 12/10/2010 09:26

She sounds pathetic. YANBU.

I remember a post last year that someone were moaning a friend wanted to take their newborn so I guess you can't win!

I wouldn't want to go either and would rather stay in with my baby and a takeaway!

AbsofCroissant · 12/10/2010 09:28

They're being unreasonable, but I'm sure you're aware of that.

3thumbedwitch · 12/10/2010 09:32

YANBU - and she is being ridiculous.
If it helps - and you don't have to pay a deposit - tell her you'll try and get there - but the chances of you wanting/being able to is very small, IME.

I managed my works Christmas meal because it was a lunch and I took DS with me at 2.5wo - it was hard work and it was only because all my colleagues were very supportive and pleased to see the baby (and all older types who had were parents themselves) that I got away with it. Also, it was a private lunch, not in a public restaurant.

I really wouldn't want to go to something like you've described at that stage - and if you go 2w over, or need a C-section or something, you might not be in a fit state to go anyway!!

Or just tell them straight - firmly but politely - that you are not going to be able to go so there is no point hassling you.

3thumbedwitch · 12/10/2010 09:33

oh, and if you "lose friends" over this, then they weren't worth having in the first place.

onmyfeet · 12/10/2010 09:40

You are not selfish at all, she doesn't know what she is talking about. That was actually a pretty selfish comment for her to make to you.

toolly · 12/10/2010 09:49

Stealth Polar Bear is spot on. In hindsight I could have gone out a lot more with my first than I did. It's only when you have the second and third that you realise how portable they are and you aren't so fased by all the paraphenalia.
I never would have dreamed to take my first out, I was very tired and wanted to devote all my attention to him and would have really resented any pressure on me to go out in the evening. That said if you are inclined to go don't let having the baby stop you.

If you don't want to go,don't go. You have given them plenty of notice so she should respect your decision.

Pumpkinbummum · 12/10/2010 09:56

YANBU

Also if your baby is late(sorry) it could possibly be only 3 weeks, I would tell your friend that since none of you have had a baby before no one has anyway of knowing how you will be feeling

but tbh I wouldn't have been going anywhere, I remember my mum making dh & I go out for our first anniversary when she was 3/4 weeks old, I couldn't wait to get back home, we went to the cinema and both of us fell asleep only god thing about the night out

AND I definitely wouldn't have left her with anyone else, and don't think I did until she was about 4 months old

Squitten · 12/10/2010 09:57

Forget about the baby - why on earth should you have to go ANYWHERE if you don't want to? You're not 5!

Just ignore the stupid person who is hassling you. Our second child will be about 3wks old on Xmas Day (assuming he arrives on time) and we cancelled our attendance at all Xmas related stuff months ago. Stuff what other people think. If they care about seeing you that much, they can come and visit you

Pumpkinbummum · 12/10/2010 09:57

When dd1 obviously was 3/4 weeks old mot my mum

Pumpkinbummum · 12/10/2010 09:59

squitten is right , dd3 was born on the 5th of November and dhs whole family came to visit us that year so I wouldn't get stressed trying to get a new baby and 2 children out the door, 4 years on its tradition everyone comes to our christmas morning

DomesticG0ddess · 12/10/2010 10:12

God, just ignore her - it will be the last thing you want to do. Going round to a friends house for quiet dinner would be OK, we managed this, but a busy, noisy restaurant for a boozy Xmas meal with a newborn - no thanks! The baby could be as young as 3 weeks and at that stage I was recovering from c-section, and struggling with breast thrush, so pretty much attached to my breast pump. Not the best look for partying.

You told her way in advance that you couldn't come. The "organiser" sounds like an idiot.

pluperfect · 12/10/2010 10:14

I agree with other posters! Also, you haven't mentioned other people's reactions and attitude, just those of the organiser. Chances are, she's the only one who feels like this, and you are not likely to lose every friend in this group. If anything, this organiser woman should lose some friends, if they realised how insensitive to your needs, and rude to you, she is being!

Perhaps she resents the "burden" of organising. However, that is not your problem; it is her problem, which she needs to take up with the group of friends (e.g. get someone else to organise next year).

Let this occasion pass without stressing further. The dire consequences she's threatening won't come to pass - how can she make sure you lose friends?

mazzystartled · 12/10/2010 10:17

On one hand YANBU, and the "friend" putting pressure on you is being horrid.

On the other - wee babies are very portable and unless it's going to be a wild boozy do with dancing on the tables, you might enjoy going out and having some normal kind of social thing, and you can plonk her in the car seat under the table. And she'll be fine and happy. Honest.

Why don't you explain to some other more sensible people in the group that you would like to go but you can't commit until the baby has arrived and you see how things are going?

nancydrewrocked · 12/10/2010 10:19

YANBU

That being said we went out for a friends birthday dinner when DD was about 5 weeks old so it is perfectlay reasonable to go if you want to.

We took her in the pram and she slept virtually all the way through the meal and when she did wake everyone was delighted as it meant that they could have a cuddle - this is the major advantage of being the first to have a baby - they are considered to be something of a novelty and so you are never short of volunteers to hold/rock/push the baby and almost makes up for having to put up with stupid comments like "you'll lose friends".

bluecardi · 12/10/2010 10:22

yanbu - you'll have a new baby & it will be hard work & you'll need to rest when you can. Let these friends come & see you & bring you pressies & look after you.

susitwoshoes · 12/10/2010 10:27

YANBU. I wouldn't have left or taken my baby at that age, and frankly would've been too knackered to go out anyway!

I think this is quite common with the first for a group to have children - I was the last and until I had DD I didn't have a clue! So cut them a bit of slack, I doubt you'll lose any good friends and I'm sure once your DC arrives they'll be all cooing over him/her in a flash! Maybe your friend is starting to realise that you won't be able or want to do so much or the same kind of things and is a bit in denial.

piratecat · 12/10/2010 10:32

'you're selfish and will lose friends?' lmao!!

what a bitch she is.

you already said ages ago you wouldn't go this year.

WreckOfTheHesperus · 12/10/2010 10:35

Hmm, I wonder if the friend if worried about losing you, rather than the other way around. It's quite threatening when your friends begin to have children; I remember feeling worried that I was going to lose my social life if they never wanted to come out, and that they would find new mummy friends to play with.

Agree that you friend is not handling it very well, but perhaps she is being anxious and needy, and needs reassurance? This might be just a meal to you, but perhaps the tradition of a Xmas get-together is very important to her.

I don't mean that you should go, but perhaps dig into why she's reacting in this way.

justwaitaminute · 12/10/2010 10:41

YADNBU

You don't know how you will feel with a 5 week baby, you might be fine, have a great sleeper and be raring to go. or it may be the complete opposite. The last thing you need is the pressure of having to go out if you don't fancy it.

I left my 3rd dc at this age to go out, and had a great time, but I wouldn't have done it with my 1st I just didn't want to leave her.

Pixie83 · 12/10/2010 10:42

Mibby your 'friend' is being completely unreasonable.

Maybe when/if she has children of her own she will realise this, but sadly she may not until then.

Maybe she's just throwing her toys out of the pram because you have something bigger going on that her Christmas meal? She sounds a bit of an attention-seeker...

Stick to your guns and don't let her spoil this lovely time for you.

JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar · 12/10/2010 10:44

I wouldn't have thought twice about taking ds along to dinner at that age, assuming it wasn't at Hooters

He wailed sometimes, I'd take him outside - or someone else would for a bit.

To be fair though I guess he was fairly easy - as in he didn't wail that much as long as someone was holding him.

I think it would be a shame to write off the possibility of a night out - baby included - whilst he/she is still so portable. Having a small baby can get very lonely - a bit of adult company shouldn't be underestimated.

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