to not go to Christmas meal?

[Mibby]

This is my first AIBU so please be gentle

A large group of our friends usually organise a Christmas get together/ meal etc in early December. We're expecting our first baby on Nov 8 so when the meal plans were mentioned this year I said not to include us, this seemed ok at first but now I'm getting a lot of grief from the girl organising it because we're not going.

We weren't part of the decision on where to go and having seen the venue/ menu I think its pretty expensive (meal for 2 plus drinks is the majority of a weeks SMP) and not very Christmassy (no Turkey!) but the main thing is the baby.

If she arrives on time she'll be about 5 weeks old at the time of the meal. I cant see any babysitter taking her (no family close enough to babysit at night either) and I'm not sure I'd want to take her, even if we could (do licencesed resturants allow babys in the evening?)

We're the first couple in this group of friends to have a baby and I guess no-ones really thought thru the logistics but some of the comments from the 'organiser' have been very unkind (we're selfish and will 'lose friends' by not wanting to go out)

Your thoughts please.......

btw, if you don't maintain contact then you will lose some of these friends. They won't stop liking you or anything - it's what happens throughout life as we move from one situation to another (from school to uni, uni to work, job to job).

If you really like these people then I think it's worth making a bit of an effort.

Have to disagree JenaiM - if these are good friends why don't they bring a take away round & let the op not have to go out with her newborn. Yes babys are portable but sometimes the mum needs looking after as well.

" And she'll be fine and happy. Honest."

Not necessarily. My DS at 5 weeks would have been right in the middle of the scream and feed bedtime hours around now.

Thanks for the support, I feel better now, was getting worried that it really was me being difficult.

I thought about the 'decide on the day and just go for a drink etc' idea but she said she has to give 14 days notice of final numbers so we can't do that

Mibby just tell her you really can't commit and are sorry that she can't see that

I hope everything goes really well for you and your friend realises shes being unreasonable

(my bestfriend apologised to me when her twins came along for making me try on bridesmaids dresses when ds was 6 weeks old)

Sounds like the format of the friends meal needs to change. Drinks, everyone bringing a dish to a friends house, a takeaway, a less formal book on the day or just turn up restaurant. Perhaps others in the group feel the same & have not been strong enough to stand up to the organizer.

Mibby, she's probably right about the 14 day thing but most restaurants would waive that requirement if at all possible, for people in your situation.

It's a shame your friend is being so inflexible! Would she get in a piss if you approached the restaurant yourself?

UANBU

"but some of the comments from the 'organiser' have been very unkind (we're selfish and will 'lose friends' by not wanting to go out)"

is a threat. You can't dress it up as anything else, and no matter what the motivation is behind it, real friends don't use threats.*

I think the fact that you will have a newborn is irrelavant, you have declined an invitation for two very good reasons another committemnt at that time and money and that should be an end to it - they have no right to judge your choices.

*excepting "if you do buy that [insert godawful item of clothing] I will have to disown for ever!" - this is friendship

This woman's just got a stick up her arse about something, don't let it bother you. If she starts again, just say 'I'm sorry you feel that way but we can't come.' Then either change the subject or walk away. She will get over herself. Or she will end up being the one who loses friends.

YANBU.

I had to miss my mum's 60th as DD was less than 4 weeks old, there is absolutely no way I could have made any form of "do" so soon afterwards.

Just stick to your guns, you are absolutely right on this one and not at all U. Apart from anything else, even if you do physically feel up to it, the logistics of planning to take/have a sitter/whatever else is just too much for you to be worrying about.

Sit back, relax for now, and sod her!

Oh yes, the money element. I'd completely bypassed that in my keeness for the OP not to lose out because she feels she can' bring the baby (or leave her).

SPB - you make a good point about the organiser being the one who might lose friends. And I wonder if, times as they are, others in the group would prefer to arrange something a little less formal this year.

it was SGB, I like being confused with her - makes life interesting :o

I don't exactly confuse, I conflate. So you, SGB and SPG (Vivien's hamster) are bizarrely entangled in my confused little mind.

I really do need to avoid referring to people by their initials

lol I remember that but I can't remember what the initials stood for :o

Special Patrol Group. Perhaps I should namechange - now that would confuse me

special patrol group

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If you don't want to go, don't - ignore the gossips! Don't automatically assume it's impossible though - I went out to dinner with DH and DD when she was 5 days old and I had a c-section. Restaurants are usually fine about babies in car seats. But if you don't fancy it - don't!