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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be really annoyed with DH about his handling of this...

42 replies

thecaptaincrocfamily · 11/10/2010 19:45

Sorry its a bit long!
Yesterday we went swimming with dd1 (4yo) and dd2 (2.8yo). Both were tired when we got back and were squabbling so sent up to sleep for a bit. DD2 keeps getting up (white face and bags under her eyes, hurling books down the stairs). I keep putting her back in bed and sternly say 'stay in bed or no story tonight. I go into the bedroom to study, come down stairs to find DH reading dd2 a story on the settee, even though he knew what I had said Confused.

Tonight he is at college, dds were fighting/ screaming and arguing over a glasses wipe Hmm. I had said we could make crowns before bed but instead sent them to bed. DD2 kept getting out of bed so I felt I had to make a point and really shouted at her to deter her from getting up again (hardly ever raise my voice). I feel annoyed because his handling of the situation yesterday led to what happened tonight Sad. She usually goes to bed fine.

OP posts:
BellasFormerFriend · 11/10/2010 19:55

Well, TBF, it is more likely that she has just entered the "not going to bed well" stage that most dc go through. I think it is a bit harsh to say his behaviour "caused" it although it certainly wouldn't help it. Also bear in mind that, as you have said, she doesn't usually do this so it would be a new thing for him to deal with and we all get it wrong when faced with new situations occasionally!

Honestly, I suspect you feel guilty for shouting when you usually don't, frustrated that dd2 is suddenly pushing boundaries and cross at dh for undermining you - and you have lumped them all together!

Shouting - don't worry, she will get over it especially as you say you don't do it often.
Bedtime boundary pushing - it will be fine again, it is just a stage.
DH - a conversation about backing each other up is needed.
Approach to bedtimes - again a conversation with DH, "this is how I want to deal with it, will you support me on it or do you have your own ideas on what to do as we need to agree an approach and stick to it".

Besom · 11/10/2010 19:58

He shouldn't have undermined you like that, no. Does he do it often? If so, you need to have a talk with him about presenting a united front as very confusing for the dds.

However, I also think yabu for blaming him entirely for your own loss of temper tonight. Shouting is not the way to go about it, neither is 'talking sternly'. You need to stay very neutral, calm and firm or else you will create a battle ground out of bedtime.

I realise this is easier said than done sometimes, believe me.

Besom · 11/10/2010 20:00

Sorry, yes meant to say don't feel guilty about losing temper - happens to most of us.

Georgimama · 11/10/2010 20:04

Why does the OP get to unilaterally decide that the appropriate way to deal with the DCs being tired and scratchy was to send them to bed though? Why is it automatically the case that she is right and her husband is undermining her?

I'd have thought a quiet cuddle on the sofa with a nice story was a better way to handle tired children than sending them to bed during the day.

They're probably getting much too old for daytime naps. My son had outgrown them by two, easily.

Original poster
thecaptaincrocfamily · 11/10/2010 20:06

Besom, I did the calm and rational thing yesterday afternoon to no availe! That is my standard parenting approach Smile and usually DH does back me up.
You are right that I lumped everything together though. DD2 is just so strong willed Grin! I feel bad for shouting at her but she had already been up and down 3 times before that and I could see it was not working by being calm and rational. I chose to shout, I didn't lose my temper. It did work and hopefully I won't need to repeat it in future. I feel guilty because I am working full time and studying for a masters, so don't see them all day Sad

OP posts:
thisisyesterday · 11/10/2010 20:08

sorry, can you just clarify something OP?

you sent them upstairs to sleep. this was during the day yes? and you told her she had to stay in bed or she wouldn't get a story when it was actually bedtime?

maybe... she just wasn't tired? maybe she isn't used to sleeping in the day? maybe she needed someone to help her settle?

anyway, so today you promise them something, then because they argue you send them to bed early.

i think, based on what i've made of it so far, that you are really confusing them! sending them to bed when it isn't bed time. saying they can't have a story when it is bedtime even though you have just sent them to bed....

yes, i'd have been angry if dp had deliberately undermined what I had said to the children, but I don't think you were making it very easy for anyone

Original poster
thecaptaincrocfamily · 11/10/2010 20:09

Georgi, normally she sleeps every few days but hadn't slept in the afternoon for about 4 days and I judged by her bags under her eyes, temper tantrums and white face that she was in fact very tired (being her mum I can tell) Hmm

OP posts:
Original poster
thecaptaincrocfamily · 11/10/2010 20:12

They do understand the difference between a nap and evening sleep time. My dd2 will often say 'tonight for bed will you read xyz for me?'

OP posts:
BellasFormerFriend · 11/10/2010 20:12

Georgimama, very simply because she acted first, you may be quite right about the "better" approach (or not, that is not the issue under discussion here) but he undermined her because he directly went against what she had told the children without a discussion with mum or anything else, that is undermining and it is wrong. If he objected or disagreed he could quite easily have said something, asked if she wanted him to take over or a host of other things. going directly against someone is undermining and wrong.

Besom · 11/10/2010 20:13

Georgimama - She doesn't unilaterally get to decide, but if my dh is doing something in the way of parenting dd, and I think he's going about it wrong, I will not suddenly do the complete opposite thing and completely undermine him.

I'll say to him about it afterwards and tell him to do it suggest that he tries it my way.

I do agree with you though that I would not have tried to force her to nap in the first place.

BellasFormerFriend · 11/10/2010 20:14

hehe, did I mention it is undermining and wrong? Blush

Original poster
thecaptaincrocfamily · 11/10/2010 20:16

But also because she didn't end up napping the point about whether she was tired or not was proven by lots of temper tantrums at evening meal time which isn't usual and in the end went straight to bed and slept from 1735 to 0640 this morning!

OP posts:
MmeBodyInTheBasement · 11/10/2010 20:16

I think that sending DC to bed as a punishment for misbehaving is not the best stategy. I want the DC's beds to be a comforting, cosy place - not the place they go to when their mum is cross with them. I know that you were sending her to bed because you thought that she could do with a nap, but it may be that she is coming to the end of midday naps.

There is often a period where they do get grumpy and narky when they don't have a nap, but at the same time cannot sleep when they are sent. It is a pain, but they get through it.

You and your DH need to make sure that you are always on the same page, and that means that he supports you. At the same time, it is sometimes ok for parents to disagree, particularly if one of you feels that the other is being too harsh.

Don't be annoyed about shouting at her, if she is strong willed, then it will likely not be the last time. She will be fine.

Callisto · 11/10/2010 20:19

I think you're being unreasonable. I think your DH was right to read your DD a book on the sofa. Sending her to bed was a bit mean imo.

As the mother of a 5yo DD who struggles with sleeping, I think you are also being mean to really shout at your 4yo for getting up a couple of times after you had put her to bed.

Georgimama · 11/10/2010 20:25

I just wouldn't feel undermined by my husband in this scenario. It's such a loaded term.

I'm sure your daughter was tired but clearly not tired enough to need to sleep, otherwise she would have done so. An enjoyable snuggle on the sofa would have avoided the chucking the books down the stairs behaviour, and perhaps you wouldn't still be cross about it now. And as her father I'm sure your husband is also competent to make that kind of judgement.

lecce · 11/10/2010 20:31

From your post it sounds like you left to do some studying in the middle of a tantrum and were then annoyed that dh, who was left to deal with the situation, did not follow through with your punishment. I think that is a bit unreasonable. It sounds like you have a really busy life, as I do, but I do think it's a bit unfair to leave someone to deal with a tantrum but not trust them to do it in their own way. I frequently have to work on Sunday afternoons and can imagine my dh being quite annoyed if I issued a severe punishment and then shut myself in the study leaving him to deal with the aftermath! Sorry if this isn't what happened, and I'm not suggesting you shouldn't be working, just that it's reasonable that if dh is to administer the discipline he should have a say in the approach taken.

Maybe if dd wasn't calming down he felt a change of approach was needed, which sounds fair enough to me. I don't agree that parents should NEVER back down and should ALWAYS present an impenetrable united front anyway. Obviously constantly changing your mind and/or one parent who deliberately undermines the other as a power thing is harmful but this doesn't seem to be the case here.

I don't think you can be certain that his actions directly led to her behaviour tonight. Sounds more like she could be sickening for something or is going through some sort of developmental phase or something.

BellasFormerFriend · 11/10/2010 20:32

Yes because all tired children sleep don't they? None ever get past themselves or too tired to easily fall asleep do they? Nope...must just be mine then? (it isn't btw)

IMO being undermined is not a loaded term, it is not something I would get emotional about unless it was bad, in this case it would just be "look, doing that gave dd mixed messages, I may have been wrong or you may have had a different plan but could you have a quick chat with me next time?"

Original poster
thecaptaincrocfamily · 11/10/2010 20:33

I think some people are missing my point. Regardless of whether it was right or wrong to put her to bed DH should have shown a united front. IMO if he had she would have leant that if I say go to bed it means go to bed. As it is she learnt if she comes down enough times daddy reads a nice story and she doesn't have to stay in it! Which is why I am cross tonight.

OP posts:
Original poster
thecaptaincrocfamily · 11/10/2010 20:36

Callisto I wonder why your dc struggles with sleep? Hmm Allowed to decide when she goes to bed perhaps? Can get up and down without consequence?

OP posts:
Georgimama · 11/10/2010 20:37

Well you told them you would make crowns with them, and then didn't. So your word clearly isn't your bond in the way you think it is and ought to be.

I cannot and will not agree that parents should automatically present a united front, right or wrong. Adults get it wrong sometimes and it isn't wrong to allow children to see it.

You needed to get on with your studying, there was peace in the house and father and child were enjoying some one on one time. He did nothing wrong.

MmeBodyInTheBasement · 11/10/2010 20:37

Generally I agree with you, that parents should present a united front.

But.

Sometimes DH does something that I think is too harsh, or I do something that he doesn't agree with. It is of course better to stop and say, "I think that this is wrong, let me step in and calm the situation down".

If we can do this without the DC noticing, fine but if they do notice then that is ok.

It is fine for the DC to see that their parents sometimes do not see eye to eye, and that if they are treated unfairly by one parent then the other one will step in.

Does that make sense?

Original poster
thecaptaincrocfamily · 11/10/2010 20:41

I feel that parents disagreeing infront of children inclines them to play one off against the other.
Yes tonight I did say they could make crowns and as punishment for quarreling/ screaming at each other that privilage was removed! Consequences???they went to bed instead. That was after I had said 'stop arguing or you will go straight to bed', they continued so I followed through.

OP posts:
Georgimama · 11/10/2010 20:45

OK, have it your way. You were completely right in this as no doubt you always are. Your husband is clearly a prize twunt and not fit to keep a goldfish.

Congratulations.

lecce · 11/10/2010 20:47

You clearly feel that yanbu so why ask?

Besom · 11/10/2010 20:47

Georgimamma - I'm beginning to see what you're saying (as also articulated by Mme L). But surely a bit of discussion about it if there is disagreement is only polite?

If no alternative but to discuss in front of dc then OK - in fact, this would be a lot better surely than them just seeing 'mummy says one thing, daddy does the opposite' therefore it doesn't really matter what mummy says or does.

Op says that this scenario doesn't usually happen between them anyway.