to invite my Mum to PIL for Christmas?

[Mirabelle77]

Currently 38+5 with PFB and moved house in the summer, a 4 hour drive from both sets of parents. Normally DH and I stay Christmas Eve at my Mums , open pressies eat and leave about 2 Christmas day (we make dinner she never has for the last few years!) then drive the 1.5 hour journey to PIL.

I have asked my Mum who is on her own and I am an only child if she would like to come for dinner at PIL last year but she declined and wanted to be in her own home.

This year we will have a 2 month old newborn , me an DH have discussed it and we feel it would be far easier to drive to PIL on Christmas eve and stay there for the whole time , once we are there , seems a bit much to repack everything and drive another 1.5 hours the next day or whenever to visit my Mum.

It will be easier to be based there as much bigger house and actual space in spare room as at my Mums there is literally only space to get out of bed so god knows how I would fit a moses basket in there!

At PIL there would be PIL,BIL and DH's Nan, so not too stressful, I always feel guilty because my Mum is on her own so would never not see her on Christmas day but just want her to be a bit more flexible, I am calling her later so will possibly suggest it then.

Also then my DH can actually have a drink with his Christmas dinner! I also think having to have 2 seperate Christmases will be a bit much with a newborn.

I have worried about labour for weeks , I must have got bored and moved on to Christmas! ;)

Are your PIL's happy for you to invite your Mum? How well do they know eachother already?

any chance you can have everyone at yours? The way i see it your mum is being rather selfish but i can understand not wanting to be with your PILs especially if she doesn't know them that well.

You may find she'll leap at the chance of being with you on PFBG's first christmas!

I was going to suggest the same, could they not all come to you for the day?

Yes my MIL suggested it last year and I asked my Mum but she preferred to be in her own home. We have been for a meal together and they sat together at our reception , so not well but my Mum likes them so that is not the issue.

Depends how everyone gets on tbh.

YANBU to ask if PIL are happy, but she isn't being unreasonable to say no.

Not an unreasonable request if the in laws are happy and it makes sense. Now that we have DC's we alternate who we spend xmas with

It wouldn't work for them to come to us , as DH Nan too old to travel that far and normally just has dinner then gets driven home after a few hours, also my Mum is ok driving 1.5 hour trip as she does it for work but not 4 hour trip there and back in one day.

I can't alternate as then my Mum has to spend Christmas completely alone which is crap for her but if she says no then the only option I have is the 2 seperate Christmases!

I think you do have to run it past your PIL first, as it is their house, but agree that it sounds a good solution for you.

An alternative is to not travel at all with a new baby and get your mum to visit you and see ILs after Christmas.

What do you mean by 2 separate Christmases?

That's what we're doing. DD will be 4 months by Christmas and we're staying at home again this year. TBH we'd always rather be at home, keeping away from potential family politics!

Diddl , 2 Christmas dinners , 2 lots of present openings etc, journey with baby in the middle of Christmas day to fit everyone in! Did my head in when I didn't have any children as it was!

Why 2 Christmas dinners though?

I can see that the journey would be a nuisance, but surely you don´t have to do everything twice?

Unless for example you would eat with your Mum at lunch time & ILs have Christmas dinner in the evening.

I would start to alternate, and if your Mum chooses to spend the day alone, then so be it. That's her choice, it's not like you haven't invited her. My Granny spent Christmas alone last year, no amount of pressure persuasion could get her to change her mind.

I don't think it's a bad thing for you to start thinking about changes to what you do at Christmas anyway. I know by the time I had DS2 I was getting fed up of going to the parents for Christmas and DS1 was old enough to wantto stay home and play with the new stuff that Santa had brought. At some point, you may want to start making your family Christmas your way so that you can create your own traditiond for your DC.

Maybe if you explain it to her the way you have here, she will decide to come with you. She may see it differently now that you will have her GC with you.

Your mother is being invited to spend Christmas with you and your extended family. If she decides not to do that, that is her choice. But shouldn't change your plans to go to dh's parents anyway.

You are an only child so obviously there is pressure on you to see your mother on a special day. But she also has a duty to make life easier for you and your new family. And with a two month old you and dh will still be shell-shocked by lack of sleep, so do whatever is best for you, dh and baby. Cos from now on that has to be your first priority.

You're having your first baby in a couple of weeks time. Quit worrying about Christmas!

Tell your Mum and ILs that you will be needing to do things differently this year as you will be a new family with a tiny baby. But you don't yet know what you will want as the baby isn't here, and babies change everything, including how you feel about things like this.

Could you ask them to each come up with some suggestions as to how you could all manage this? It seems as though you think it is your responsibility to keep everyone happy. I think you should save your energy for the sleepless nights, and let other people sort the Christmas plans.

Well yes, tbh, when we had children, that´s when we started having Christmas Day just us & saw parents Boxing Day.

What potoftea said.

Last year I finished work at 4 we drove to my Mums who had left us instructions on how to cook Christmas dinner before she got home, so we made it and had it Christmas Eve , then had dinner the next day at PIL. My Mum won't be arsed to cook dinner but expects us to go there and make it for her, also have to make our own bed ( including removing spare quilt from weird vacumn thing). Oh and removing hoardes of stuff "stored" on the bed so its not just the journey.

Im not being lazy but with a new baby don't think I can cope with all the hassle visiting my Mum entails, all I am asking is she drives to my PIL where she will have dinner prepared etc and might actually enjoy spending time with DHs family!

I just feel with a new baby it would be nice to stay in the same place the whole day and as normally we travel to suit her needs perhaps this year she might be able to do the same.

You're going to have a newborn
you need to stay at home
anyone who wants to visit can
they can go in a b&b if you've no space
you're not going to want to get up all hours in the night anywhere else but at home , you also have no idea how you'll feel at Xmas so don't go making too many plans

If it was me, and my mum was going to be alone, I would sacrifice the in-laws, who at least have each other.

bigchris has a good point. You don't know how you will feel or how "settled" your new baby will be at Christmas.

Agree with others who have said you won't be excluding your mother is she chooses not to spend time at your ils. It sounds as if she wants her own way much of the time and you will really need to be free of being manipulated in this way when you have your own child to consider.

We pandered to our ils pre-children. We really bent over backwards for mil especially who is a spoilt brat if she doesn't get her own way. Then of course when we had children we couldn't always fit in with her every demand/expectation. Cue lots of very bad behaviour from her (cold silences at Christmas, phones slammed down, general nastiness)

bigchris , if I stay at home we won't see anyone it was our decision to move so don't mind travelling, will also fit it friends while back up there.

foxyrevenger if I just visit my Mum every year that doesn't seem fair to inlaws and as I said that will mean I have to cook us all dinner with help from DH and squeeze baby into tiny spare room full of junk!

"Agree with others who have said you won't be excluding your mother is she chooses not to spend time at your ils."

No but you also can´t blame her for wanting her own time with her only child & grandchild.