to invite my Mum to PIL for Christmas?

[Mirabelle77]

Currently 38+5 with PFB and moved house in the summer, a 4 hour drive from both sets of parents. Normally DH and I stay Christmas Eve at my Mums , open pressies eat and leave about 2 Christmas day (we make dinner she never has for the last few years!) then drive the 1.5 hour journey to PIL.

I have asked my Mum who is on her own and I am an only child if she would like to come for dinner at PIL last year but she declined and wanted to be in her own home.

This year we will have a 2 month old newborn , me an DH have discussed it and we feel it would be far easier to drive to PIL on Christmas eve and stay there for the whole time , once we are there , seems a bit much to repack everything and drive another 1.5 hours the next day or whenever to visit my Mum.

It will be easier to be based there as much bigger house and actual space in spare room as at my Mums there is literally only space to get out of bed so god knows how I would fit a moses basket in there!

At PIL there would be PIL,BIL and DH's Nan, so not too stressful, I always feel guilty because my Mum is on her own so would never not see her on Christmas day but just want her to be a bit more flexible, I am calling her later so will possibly suggest it then.

Also then my DH can actually have a drink with his Christmas dinner! I also think having to have 2 seperate Christmases will be a bit much with a newborn.

I have worried about labour for weeks , I must have got bored and moved on to Christmas! ;)

op, after your further posts I think your mum is being selfish.

Invite her but if she declines do not pander to her.

Its not fair to anyone to do the same thing year in year out because one person won't compromise.

That's true diddl but perhaps Mirabelle can give her mother options, stressing that the racing up and down over the actual day or two isn't going to happen this year. So possibly mother could see them on her own say a day or two before or after Christmas.

It´s hard when you have a lone parent though.

We are abroad & my Dad comes to us.

ILs have never bothered, so we haven´t had a Christmas with them in more than 10yrs.

Goodness knows what will happen when one of them is alone & my Dad too old to travel!

Also another reason PIL would be easier to stay with is my Mum has a dog who is not nasty but leaps up and bites when you come home. Last time I visited at 7 months preg he lept up to bump height and bit a hole in my top , so the deal is also he has to be at the kennels if we were staying over or in another room for a short visit, if she came to PIL the dog would not be a worry. I imagine him going crazy shut in a room and bursting out and leaping all over my baby, which is a bit dramatic but he is out of control. He bit a hole in DH suit leg once an expensive work one.( My Mum blamed DH for not acting in the correct way and didn't offer to replace trousers)

No, you're not being at all dramatic. Keep that dog away from your baby!

Maybe ask your PIL to phone and ask her, perhaps she is not convinced she really is welcome?
But if she says no, she says no. She sounds like a fairly independent person. I myself can see the attraction of spending a whole Christmas day in my jimjams eating an M&S turkey ready-meal and having the whole choc orange to myself.
Also, don't be too surprise if you yourself have to change plans. You're about to meet the biggest dictator in the world.
Good luck!

I feel for you so much.

I have a much easier situation in a sense because no DCs yet but I am an only child and my mother died when I was young. My father is in Surrey and wonderful DPs parents are in Scotland so there's just no way of splitting the day. I always spend Christmas with my Dad, who is amazing but just wouldn't want to go that far away for Christmas or be a guest in someone else's home (I guess age makes you stick in your ways a bit, I understand his sentiment, and then fly up to see DP and his equally wonderful family on the 27th. This does work but I would really like to be able to spend real Christmas with my DP one day but don't really know how :(

I don't think there's the option of having all to ours as his family are so big and all up North while we are in London.

What should I do? Sorry to hijack a bit.

happiestblonde I don't mind the slight hijack ;).I really think it is unfair you don't get to see your DP for actual Christmas every year. Other people want to be in their own homes etc and don't want to travel eg your Dad my Mum but don't seem to think how this affects everyone else.

I didn't spend my first Christmas while dating DH but once living together we always had Christmas together.

We live together but we aren't married yet

It's really hard when you have one parent alone, especially when it's yours. My Dad would hate to know I think this and tell me to go up North and enjoy myself but I don't want to and I hate to think of him spending Christmas with only friends and no family. DP has offered to stay with DF and me but, and this sounds strange, I almost don't want him to go from 30 years with his wonderful, massive family to spending it with me and my dad because as great as it is there's always that dark cavern feeling of sadness because my Mum isn't around. Christmas is such a minefield :( I do love it though.

Oh god I meant when THEY are yours, not IT is yours!!

There comes a time when traditional family Christmases change. This often coincides with the arrival of a new family member.

It's just the way it is.

'No but you also can´t blame her for wanting her own time with her only child & grandchild.'

I can if it is on Christmas Day and inconvenient for others-she can have other opportunities. Children are not a possession-the more the merrier.

I would have them all together-I always have-it is so much simpler. Put it to your mother and if she refuses it is her choice.

It becomes more even more difficult when dc are older and you don't want to drag them away from their new presents...and then it gets worse when you have a teenager who barely leaves his room let alone the house.
Things I shall say to my dc when they are older:
Really, I/we want to spend Xmas day in bed watching telly and getting drunk this year. We'll see you Boxing Day.
You really are a very beautiful and clever daughter/son in law. DS/DD was lucky to meet you.
A month? Of course I'll have my grandchildren for a month. And their pet tarantulas.

I have them all here too pisces. There's a picture of the table set for all 23 of the buggers on my profile.

Much better to have them all at your own house. As they get older they don't want to be dragged around and they don't want grandma having them to herself!

Although having said that, I am escaping to Mexico this year.
They are all still floundering around wondering what to do with themselves.

I think if your mum will not join you at the in laws for a lovely family Christmas then she will have to spend it alone and suck it up.

Do not be emotionally blackmailed in to spending most of your first Christmas with your new baby driving back and forth.

"No but you also can´t blame her for wanting her own time with her only child & grandchild.'

I can if it is on Christmas Day and inconvenient for others-she can have other opportunities. Children are not a possession-the more the merrier."

I didn´t say that everyone has to go along with what OP´s mother wants, just that you can´t blame her for wanting her own time.

I can blame her for wanting her own time on Christmas Day-the DC has parents, other grandparents, possibly aunt's, cousins etc etc and the DC isn't a parcel for my time-you just all muck into together! There are plenty of other days for 'her own time'.
If she is invited and won't go, then don't give in to emotional blackmail.

Told DH about this post last night, the alternating won't work as he stated he can't spend the whole Christmas alone with my Mother, can't blame him! I am waiting for my Mum to get back to me with her decision.

I really hope she agrees to it anyway , not sure what I will say if she doesn't, and how I will manage not to flip on the actual day especially if she expects me to cook dinner for her with a newborn to take care of that will hopefully be bf.

Re the actual meal. I think you need to be fairly straight with her early on if you are going to be there (either this year or for a future year)

I would say something like that although you have enjoyed cooking for her over recent years on Christmas Day, for the next few years you won't be able to do so without a few changes. Then let her decide on a sensible option. e.g. she cooks with help from you/dh (but stress this will be help rather than doing the whole thing). Or one of you buys a really lovely buffet type meal and you have that.

If she really wants the traditional lunch then she will have to pitch in basically. (ditto the situation re you having to clear off the bed etc on arrival, be firm but nice about that as well)

Honestly, she won't always be able to get her own way when a baby is on the scene. (none of you will tbh). My mil continues to sulk that she is no longer able to get her own way all the time. I wish we had addressed her issues earlier on.

Just had a text reply , she said it does sound sensible asked if PIL mind, mentioned how the weather might prevent travel and that she may be working anyway. Considering she has never worked Christmas day, also we have always managed to drive to her and i mentioned MIL invited her last year I am thinking she is not keen!

If she does work though PIL house is only 20 min drive away so could pop in after work rather than 1.5 hour country drive from her home, so I did text back telling her that.

Also that PIL invited her last year so will have to see, but now I am imagining she is going to be off work but not drive through due to bad weather , even though she will be making the drive to work everyday then as I am selling my house that she uses as a work base but I pay for all bills and half mortgage but don't live in, but thats another story!