to refuse to answer the phone?

[18to30]

I know it will be my mother and it is bloody driving me mad. She rings me all the time and it is not as if we have anything to say. I feel suffocated. I can't tell her, because she will act the martyr and make me feel guilty. I probably should have answered it the first time she rang and got it over and done with, instead I'm getting more and more annoyed.

Unplug it.

YANBU

Turn the ringer off?
Get caller display, then you'll know it's her, and can limit her to one call a day/week/month, whatever suits you?

Absolutely not! I hate phones. Intrusive and demanding things. Why should you leap to its call immediately, when it could be anyone and anything.
Ignore phone. If it is important the person can leave a message, if not then its gone.
Don't talk to your mum if your feeling vulnerable. Wait until it is on your terms and set a time limit, then end the call. Don't feel guilty or be manipulated. Sometimes it is survival. I know it is with mine. Save your energy for your kids!

Everybody has my mobile number so they can call me on that, then I can check them on caller display and reject if i want to (which I usually do). The only people that know my home number are DH (obviously) DD's school and my mum (but she doesn't call often so no problem there).

When you eventually decide you want to speak to your mum and she accuses you of not answering your phone, just tell her you've been busy with work/kids/life/whatever.

YANBU. Leave it until you're ready.

Ahhh, i just feel so guilty. She helps me out quite a bit and I know she's lonely but it's just so pointless. She will ask if the kids are ok, tell me about her latest ailment or my brothers or my aunts and I will grunt in all the right places and that will be it. I want peace and bloody quiet when the kids aren't here, I do not want to make pointless chit chat about nothing. Grrrrr.

YANBU - phones are so intrusive. I was having a very similar conversation with my FIL yesterday. He thinks it's OK to ring whenever he wants - but he rings anywhere between 5.30 and 7 and demands to have a response and will ring, getting increasingly irritated, every 20 minutes.

He doesn't even leave a proper message

'Hello. It's me. OK?' is the best I can hope for. I tried explaining that DH doesn't get in until at least 6.30, then he bathes the kids, reads a story and puts them to bed (it's his time with them). We then sit down, have something to eat and probably don't get anytime to relax until 8ish. I told FIL this and he said, 'Well, I'll ring at 8 then'. So I told him we probably still wouldn't answer. He was quite put out. I think it's tough.

I'm tempted to unplug the phone as soon as DH gets in. I think it's the only way.

YABU ...shes your mum ,a quick chat every day won't hurt you

YANBU I hate the tyranny of the landline/mobile/email where everyone seems to think you must be available at all times.

I never answer the things, hardly answer the door as it is.

Being unavailable will add to your mystique

Oh hang on, either that or your mum will call round if there is no answer! That's worse.

My PIL ring about 3 times a week and dh has taken to leaving it as it is too much.

Whoa Usualsuspect -

"she's your mum"

"a quick chat every day won't hurt you"

I think everyday is WAY too often when you're all grown up. Our mums' are not the centre of our worlds anymore - the kids are.

Lets hope your kids ignore you then when they are all grown up ...but each to their own

Usualsuspect - saying "she's your mum" makes it all a bit emotionally loaded don't you think?

She's a person - and when you're busy or tired it's important to do what's right for you and your kids first.

That's not very nice, usualsuspect. Seriously, I'll feel like I've done my job if my kids aren't dependent on me and can go for a week without phoning. Hopefully, they'll have their own lives to deal with.

Anyway, there's a difference between keeping in touch with your parents and feeling obliged to speak to your parents daily, hearing the same things over and over when there's no 'news' but it's just a habit that you've got into. And this is all it is here with OP - a habit. There is no need to speak to anyone that much.

Until recently, I spoke to my mum daily and I've really had to battle to reduce that to a call every 2nd or 3rd day now. I simply do not have the time. I have 3 kids and expecting a 4th. My mum only ever had me.

If I thought my mum was lonely I would ring her tbh

I speak to my grown up daughters most days ..but each family is different

It is a habit. I am on my own with 4 kids and i think she feels she needs to check up on me. She doesn't feel the need to ring my brothers all the time. Sometimes she will ring me several times a day. Or i will have just seen her and she then rings as soon as she gets home. If she rings the home phone and it's busy, she will ring my mobile, despite it being obvious i am on the phone.

My mum has been known to do that, too.

I phone my mum once a week, and that's enough to catch up on who's died in the last seven days.

And the other thing is that when I first reduced the calls to my mum, she was a bit 'lost' by all acounts, but now she's started going out and meeting up with her friends. And that's got to be good, hasn't it?

YANBU

The phone can be very intrusive. I LOVE caller display! The ILs can be a bit of a pain when they want to speak to you (refuse to leave a message on the answerphone and will ring every 10 mins until you pick up. Usually want to tell you they will be out tomorrow afternoon in case we ring ) but they have improved, a bit, since DH started asking then why they didn't leave a message if that was it all was!