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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to refuse to answer the phone?

52 replies

18to30 · 11/10/2010 14:33

I know it will be my mother and it is bloody driving me mad. She rings me all the time and it is not as if we have anything to say. I feel suffocated. I can't tell her, because she will act the martyr and make me feel guilty. I probably should have answered it the first time she rang and got it over and done with, instead I'm getting more and more annoyed.

OP posts:

twopeople · 11/10/2010 17:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster

18to30 · 11/10/2010 18:03

Your sister is my mum trefusis. If my mum was in her 80's i might feel differently, but she's only 60. Haven't had any calls for a couple of hours so she's probably sulking now. It's like having 5 kids.

OP posts:

2blessed2bstressed · 11/10/2010 18:26

Speak to my mum most days, genuinely enjoy chatting with her, asking advice on how long to cook something etc...feel a bit sad for people who seem to see their parents or in-laws as an inconvenience tbh.
And if I'm at home I'll always answer the phone unless the number's witheld (as that normally means telesales), and politely say "we're actually having dinner/getting kids ready for bed/whatever - is it ok for you to ring back, or can I call you when we're done?" Takes a few seconds and means whoever it is knows they'll speak to you later and doesn't keep ringing. Tis nice to be nice y'know

Original poster

18to30 · 11/10/2010 18:39

You'll be pleased to hear i've just spoken to her. She's going to ring me tomorrow.

OP posts:

thereisalightanditnevergoesout · 11/10/2010 18:43

It's also nice to be listened to 2blessed! And for people to remember what it was like to have kids and how hectic any time after 5.00 is.

And, besides, the people who ring me wouldn't be palmed off with 'is it ok for you to ring back, or can I call you when we're done?' They would all say, 'well, it'll only take 2 minutes' and then carry on regardless. Or they'll complain that it's noisy and ask why everyone's making such a noise (it's tea-, bath-, bedtime and therefore it's a bad time). Honestly, try mine out and see if you don't change your mind!

The fact that I don't enjoy receiving calls at the moment from many people, probably says more about how I'm feeling (stressed, tired, pulled in 4 different ways etc) and not how I feel about the person calling.

And like OP said, if they were old, it might be a different matter. But they're not.

thereisalightanditnevergoesout · 11/10/2010 18:48

I'm glad you've spoken. Do you think there's any chance you can have a onversation about changing the frequency of your calls? Could you, perhaps, say you're trying to get chores for example done and you need to speak less frequently. Just calling less without talking about it first can sometimes be a bit upsetting for the other person - but ultimately, you know best how to handle your mum.

Original poster

18to30 · 11/10/2010 19:10

We have spoken about it before. She has a sulk, things get to a more manageable level and then gradually it creeps back up until we're back where we started. Originally she used to visit me every weekend to help with the kids, then the kids went to their dad for the weekend and she still used to come over. I never got a minute to myself to just sit and think and do nothing. The visits eventually stopped after a huge row, it took a long time to get the message across.

OP posts:

thereisalightanditnevergoesout · 11/10/2010 19:15

Maybe you have to grit your teeth to establish something similar for the phone calls, too. Like you say, it's time for yourself you need, not a phone call to fill your time. You need it for your sanity, I expect.

emptyshell · 11/10/2010 19:31

Caller ID is a wonderful thing. My mum rarely if ever rings me - wish she would sometimes to be honest - it's all very very one-sided.

Mother in law rings at 10am every Sunday, without fail. I think it's sweet she sets aside the time to get in touch with her kids - but sometimes it feels like I've married into the flipping mafia, and, given the choice, I'd rather not SEE Sunday morning until noon.

I ignore the phone increasingly - any International number, any witheld number unless I'm expecting a call, work agencies when I don't feel like working - all get the answerphone. Hardly anyone rings on my landline that's not to try to sell me stuff to be honest (TPS registered but the prev owner of the number still gets incessant calls after years of trying to get removed from lists) - I wonder why I bother having a landline installed a lot of the time.

trefusis · 11/10/2010 20:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

thereisalightanditnevergoesout · 11/10/2010 20:36

Oh god, trefusis - that's awful, though are you not tempted to do that every time she rings? I would be!

Original poster

18to30 · 11/10/2010 22:14

I do make full use of caller id, don't worry. Maybe i should just answer the first time she rings, she'll be satisfied and i can hopefully spend the rest of the day in peace. She's off on holiday soon so i do have a quiet week coming up. Thanks for letting me moan.

OP posts:

cornflakequeenie · 12/10/2010 09:00

YANBU

I had this problem a little while ago with my Dad. He's phone every single day, and there would be really long pauses as we'd literally have nothing to say to eachother.

Luckily it gradually started to stop. My Dads problem was that he was just lonely, perhaps this is the case with your mum?

Beatlebum · 12/10/2010 09:29

At least it's only phonecalls. Incoukd handle that. My elderly dad is round here most days at lunchtime and make us feel guilty if we have something else to do instead. It drives me insane. If I say he needs to get out and do more things for himeself he says he's too busy as he's got his gc to visit.

sixpercenttruejedi · 12/10/2010 09:52

DP's mum is an incessant caller. I try to avoid answering because she seems to be the family banshee, she heralds death.
When I see her number on caller id, I know someones died.
Never anyone I know though, and only rarely someone that DP knows. Never understood her motivation.

RustyBear · 12/10/2010 10:02

sixpercent - MIL does that too

MIL:"You know Mrs X?"
DH: "No"
MIL: "Yes you do, she worked at the shop, she gave you a sweetie when you were 6"
DH: "Still don't remember"
MIL:"Yes you do, she had that little black poodle that used to pee on our hedge"
DH (Giving up) "Well, what about her?"
MIL "She's dead"

Original poster

18to30 · 12/10/2010 10:12

She's already rang this morning and says she will ring me again later about meeting up tomorrow. Screeeeaammmmm

OP posts:

sixpercenttruejedi · 12/10/2010 10:14

RustyBear - that's it exactly!

pommedeterre · 12/10/2010 10:20

Relations between me and MIL a little bit odd and she's a caller too. Gets really put out if DH doesn't call her every weekend at 'set' time and also calls another 3-4 times during the week. On her afternoon off if the phone rings I often leave it .
It wouldn't be so bad but my mum calls a few times a week and we often end up chatting for an hour plus. I love chatting to her.
I do feel mean about MIL sometimes but isn't it a bit more DH's responsability than mine? .
Anyway for me YABU. talking to people when you don't want to makes you feel unnecessarily mean towards them.

tokyonambu · 12/10/2010 10:27

I've turned the ringers off on all the fixed phones. When I walk past, I look at the message counter on the answering machine. Anything urgent can call my mobile, but if we're at home those are usually turned off as well. The idea that everyone needs to run their house like an emergency response call-centre is a product of the past ten years (rather like the obsessive phoning of children going to university: the mobile phone as the parental leash) and is to be resisted.

pommedeterre · 12/10/2010 11:31

Sorry, for me YA N BU. Opps

SolidGoldBrass · 12/10/2010 11:36

I ignore the landline and always look at the mobiles to see who is calling before deciding whether to answer or not. But I am mostly plagued by salespeople and debt collectors, not relatives - I love 1471 as I can always ring back the people I want to talk to and claim to have been in the loo...

jaggythistle · 12/10/2010 11:39

YANBU.

Mine used to phone a lot too and it was getting a bit much. My DH eventually suggested getting her to phone/me phone her once a week on a day when he was at work and I wasn't, so we could get a good chat. It worked really well and as you say we actually had a week's worth of stuff to talk about!

Pixie83 · 12/10/2010 11:45

YANBU

If we are settled down for the night in front of the telly we hardly ever answer the phone, or the door, unless we're expecting it. Time is too precious to spend making excuses to get off the phone to someone annoying, or telling a salesman at the door to feck off!

Why do people assume you are obliged to answer the phone or the door just because you're at home?

Anyone who knows me knows to text me if they really want a response. Maybe I'm just a miserable cow tho....

Ripeberry · 12/10/2010 11:51

I used to dread my mum ringing as I could not understand what she was saying anyway as she has dementia and it got so bad, she would be ringing everyone she knew at least 10 times a day, even late a night, until my dad had the forethought to pull the plug from the wall and phone and hide the wire!

Even now she rings, leaves a short sharp message such as "Ring me NOW!" and when I do, she never answers!!

Aarrghh. Thank goodness for answerphones.

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