To feel lonely when my husband works 6/7 day weeks.

[JenM78]

Is it selfish to feel lonely with two kids. Spend every fri and sat without my other half. Occasionally see friends but they are busy with their own families. Husband sometimes has sundays off , but because he works really long hours, he sleeps until midday and by the time he gets up the day is half gone. should i just shut up and get on with it. fed up of feeling low about it. :(

I feel lonely with 3 children because my H f@cked off to shag another woman' so no, you're not being unreasonable to feel lonely, of course you're not.

You need to carve out a life for yourself with some regular things to do.

You need to sit down with your Dh and discuss ways to make this better... Does he have to work all week or can you make some sacrifices to give I'm extra time off to spend with his family.

so no, you shouldn't shut up and get on with it, but you do red to take action on both sides, yours and his, to try to make it better or make it work.

thanks for your message. we are in pretty bad financial situation which is why he is working such long hours. thats why i think i should be pleased he is trying to support us. but if i tell him how i feel he says he feels guilty for not being around much but cant see a way out cos of money.

I do have some good friends and couple of hobbies but its the evenings that are a killer. I am really sorry your H did that to you, what b@stard. How are you coping?

I really feel for you, mine works away five nights a week- so 5 x 24 hours. And is very tired when home and has to do a bit of work from home too.
Is there anyway you could take up a part time job to help relieve the financial situation a bit? Do you know if you're entitled to childcare vouchers etc?

Oh, don't worry about me. One thing I don't have are any financial worries whatsoever so I'm fine.

Given the financial problems, you need to find a way to make this work better. Can you set aside one day a month (start low!) that is absolutely a family day. Either that or an evening when you and your DH go out.

How old are the children? Children are lovely and they are company but they are in no way a replacement for adult company which is what you lack.

my kids are 5 and almost 8 and i need to be able to take them/ collect from school. Trying to find some homeworking at the moment with someone I used to work for but nothing def yet.

thats tough for you, him working away 5 days/nights. does it get you down? my H has always worked long hours but used to have the w/ends off. just feel like this is how its always gonna be .

or how about regular Girls Nights In with friends? Every Friday, we gather round my kitchen table, drink. Wine, laugh, chat and let the children run feral in the house/garden.No sitters required.

YANBU - I hate it when DH is away - but good idea to carve out a life of your own to combat the loneliness.

Can you find some voluntary work in the meantime?
This obviously won't help financially but may give you a boost and some company.

the one day a month idea is good. but H told me he is gonna work every day up to XMas other than our sons bday. will talk and try and work this into the month!! I know i shouldnt but feel envious of close friends who have gr8 family time together plus on their own.

mine too. what's helped recently is i've got a cracking little phone that lets me pound out email messages really quickly. we've got 2 or 3 threads of conversations on the go at any one time, just nonsense really, that we dip into whenever the mood strikes.

I felt like this for a long time; dh works long hours too, and a large precentage of his annual leave gets taken up when one of the kids(or me) is ill so I need help with the school run for the other one, etc etc.

It was always a huge issue that on his day off he just wanted to relax at home, and not travel into town as he does that every working day, whereas I wanted to have family days in town. Now that I kind of assume that I'll be iwth the kids and he may or may not be available, its easier. I arrange my life, and if he's around to join in he does. Which is a good thing, its not negative like it sounds!

I've actually come to love my evenings to myself... I can read, faff about, and I dont feel in such a rush to get ds1 to sleep to get grown up time, we can actually read a bit together etc. I guess I'm saying you just need to approach it from a different perspective.

I'm single with no involvement at all from DS's father. Weekends are difficult and of course you're not being unreasonable but if I can be blunt you need to grow a backbone and not tell your DH how you feel. Sorry if that sounds harsh!

Do you think he enjoys working so hard, seeing so little of his children? So back off him and start supporting him by being more independent and less needy of him.

A part-time job is a good idea if its practical. Get out to parks at the weekend if money is tight, try to find some friedns who are single or whose DH also works weekend.

Make the best use of the rare time you get together and try to plan something lovely to do with all of you - again parks if weather is good, museums in London are free if you are anywhere near. I don;t really understand why the evenings are so difficult though - I find once DS is in bed I'm glad of a fwe hours of peace and quiet to veg out in front of the TV or surf the net.

Is there a plan in place to get you out of your financial problmes becuase ultimately thats the thing that should comfort you most - that your position is temporary and can be resolved with time and effort.

how old are your DC's - are they at shcool or nursery perhaps you can buddy up with other paretns who are single - we are always grateful to have someone else to see at the weekend.

You should feel proud that your husband works so hard to support you, but YANBU by feeling lonely at the same time, of course you'd like some adult company and to spend some time with the one you love!

When you do talk to him about it, make it clear it's not that you're putting him on a guilt trip, it's just you kind like him and like spending time with him, and that his contribution to the family isn't just being a breadwinner.

My Dad worked a lot when I was growing up, and I know he hated it when he had to work away or pull 7 day weeks, but he always felt that he was doing it out of love.

YANBU, I've been there, husband workng 6/7 day weeks, getting home late, cancelling holidays at the last minute etc. It really put our relationship under strain, nobodys fault, but if you aren't spending time together it is bound to happen. I think you need to tell him how you feel, without blaming him, just to say how much you miss him. Try and find an alternative if at all possible!

We got through it by the way, he doesn't have a job at the moment, so money is another hard issue, but to be honest it's better than being lonely.

it must be very VERY hard for him to be forced to work so much because of finances - is there a time limit on this? e.g. paying off debts or obligations within a few months or X years? or reducing childcare costs/you going back to work?

I think in these things it's easier to cope with if you know there is a definite plan to remedy it in the long term, you know?

in the meantime,support you H and suck it up (sorry to be so blunt), he needs your support. i wish you the best :)

"I don;t really understand why the evenings are so difficult though - I find once DS is in bed I'm glad of a fwe hours of peace and quiet to veg out in front of the TV or surf the net"

Oh, I agree about finally getting peace and quiet BUT it can be really miserable/boring with no one to chat about the day to, no one to discuss the TV programme with, hell no one to sit in companionable silence with even! And, before getting to the P& Q, in my case there is HW for the 11 year old, bickering between him, the 9 yo and their 4 yo sister, baths, more HW, bedtime routine, a spot 'more bickering for good measure.... God I'd love someone to deal with all that once in a while :o it's draining.

but Soupdragon - she does have a DH who presumably does come home at some point in the evening to regale him with her opinions on corrie or eastenders! ALso to discuss major decisions about schools, childcare (if applicable) etc.

I think its more a case of getting used to your own company of an evening and making the time together count.

I can sympathise - DH is super busy at work and since before the summer he's worked at least one day of each weekend, often 2. Sometimes he can do some of the stuff logged in from home, but that just means I feel I have to keep DS away from him so DH can focus.

It can be lonely - but I try to book my friends in advance to do stuff. Write off the next 3 or so weekends, but then after that, e-mail all your friends individually and see if they can do something in November. If you get a few people booked in, it gives you something to look forward too - even if it's just for a coffee in the morning, you at least have done something and had a conversation with an adult.

I've done both... long days with a DH who "worked" long hours and also when there's no one coming home. Quite frankly, they are both fairly miserable.

Jen- yep I do get quite lonely, my family live 100 miles away and were fairly new to the area so not many friends here.
Our area is quite rough as well so sometimes I don't feel safe (shooting here the other week) and I find that that's the worst thing for me.
There are alot of shops like m&s and john lewis who have working mothers hours which are 10-2 a few hours a week and I know they are hiring for Xmas staff at the moment so it may be worth looking into?
Just one other thing, I'm not sure if it would be possible, but could you go and meet your dh for lunch when the kids are at school?
Me and dp used to do this, just have a little picnic and a chat and it really stopped me going mad sometimes!
I'm so glad I found mumsnet too!

interesting brightlight that you focused on the one small phrse in my post which I acknowledged probably sounded harsh rather than the bit where I said weekends were difficult or that th eOP was not BU or the suggestions I made which might be useful (or maybe not).

And I wasn;t talking to you but the OP.

I was assuming from her infomration that he is working those ours to get them out of a dire financial straits not to buy a few Xmas presents. Of course if its to buy the kids expensive Xmas presents then OP needs to decide whether she would prefer nice presents for other or more time with her DH.

"we are in pretty bad financial situation" - that commet does not imply to me that he is owrking for a bit of extra pin money but to keep their head above water.

OP's DH is working enormous hours and it is presumably very hard for him, just as hard as it is for OP so whilst her telling her DH that she feels lonely is understandable, it is in my view completely pointless and just makes him feel like shit. Maybe he feels responsible for the state they are in. Making him feel guilty doesn't make the OP's situation any better.

There are so many feckless wasters around I would think a man who was prepared to work this hard was a good man and be as supportive as I could - hence my query about whether there is a plan in palce to resolve the financial situation. Much easier to bear if you know there is a game plan.

You seem to have taken my post as a personal attackon you or anyone whose DH works hard. I have no iea what your situation was and I'm not unsympathetic - ex- DP was in forces so ad loneliness to worry when he served in war zone and now with no DP at all and a 5 year old. Perhaps I've just toughened up but I really see no mileage in off loading onto DH. If there is a sensible conversation to be have about ways for him to reduce his hours then have it, but telling him how lonely you are and thinking somehow that it will help - nope don;t see that.

Off load to friends and to MN and paste a smile on your face and do your best.