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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that you aren't obliged to form a relationship with a chid you've given up for adoption

125 replies

Northernlurker · 10/10/2010 23:12

Aplohies this is from the Daily Mail but I think it raises some interesting questions.

Susan Jameson has been honest with her daughter about her son's existence, she's given him medical information and told him who his father is but she doesn't want to try and turn back the clock for fifty years and I can understand that. Or does biology oblige one?

(All that aside - selling his story to the Mail is a deeply unclassy thing to do!)

OP posts:
Tortington · 10/10/2010 23:18

i think if you dont want anything to do with the person you gave up for adoption, thats a fair enough decision.

however i *do8 think this decision is muddied somewhat when you go and meet them.

i can fully understand why this man is upset, as a meeting infers that there could be some ongoing relationship.

however he was a twat for doing a story on it

edam · 10/10/2010 23:19

Terribly sad. But no, she isn't obliged to do any more than she has.

nameymcnamechange · 10/10/2010 23:20

Am finding it very hard to feel any sympathy for him, tbh.

Original poster
Northernlurker · 10/10/2010 23:21

It sounds a bit like the daughter wants the on-going relationship - and is maintaining it. Maybe that's why she went - because her daughter asked her to? That is a pretty harsh contrast then in that relationship with the one with her son certainly. If that's how it is though - that's how it is.

OP posts:
TheCrackFox · 10/10/2010 23:27

Very difficult situation. Speaking in general (not this particular case) sometimes the conception can be a result of rape and the mother would just like to forget it ever happened.

She gave him up for adoption withe the assumption that this was for the best and he would have a happy childhood and have nice parents.

cakewench · 10/10/2010 23:45

aw poor man, pining for his lost relationship with his birth mother who happens to be famous enough to get him some space in the Daily Mail.

AuntiePickleBottom · 10/10/2010 23:49

i feel for the adoptive family, they accepted a baby as there own, but blood is still thicker than water.

he has a mother, this women is not his mother she just shares his dna

onmyfeet · 11/10/2010 00:00

What exactly did he hope this story would accomplish? To shame his birth mother for not bonding with him? To further his career maybe?
He should have had some sort of guidance to prepare him for the fact that she may not welcome meeting him.

Miasma · 11/10/2010 00:03

I dunno, if she didn't want a relationship she shouldn't have ever agreed to meet him. I can understand why he's upset he probably feels she's quenched her own inquisitiveness about him and can't be bothered any further.

He is human too and does deserve for his feelings to be taken into consideration.

If she didn't want a relationship she never should have met him at all.

SoMuchToBits · 11/10/2010 00:04

It's a very difficult situation all round, I think. I have ben researching my family tree, and in the course of doing so have been contacted by a 3rd cousin, who was given up for adoption as a baby in the 1960s (but she didn't have a famous birth parent).

Although she says she has had a very happy life with her adoptive parents and siblings, she has always been curious about her birth family, and this is why she has also researched her family tree. She has now got in touch with her birth father, and they get on very well and have regular contact. Her birth mother, however wants nothing to do with her (and this is the side of the family by which I'm related, although I had never met her birth mother until a few weeks ago, and this was a scarily coincidental chance meeting on the beach on holiday - the birth mother has no idea I know anything about her adopted daughter!)

I can see bth side tbh - the mother probably wants to forget the "mistakes" she made in her youth and move on, but the daughter maybe feels some connection to her unknown mother.

onmyfeet · 11/10/2010 00:10

"If she didn't want a relationship she never should have met him at all."
I think I agree with this, but not positive.

Maybe she didn't expect him to be so impatient. Maybe she thought her daughter and him could have a relationship, and keep her lout of it? There are a lot of adoption stories on adoption forums, sometimes the people will bond, and sometimes it would be like meeting a distant relative you don't have anything against really, but not real feeling for.

Kewcumber · 11/10/2010 00:11

birth family contact should always be supported with counselling for exactly this reason. Many contacts don't end in the wya you imagine them to because despite what many people think, many people didn't give up their baby becasue it was "for the best" for the child. Some birth paretns relinquish their children because they don't want to parent a child at that point (or ever in some cases). That won't necessarily change in later life.

Calling him a twat for selling the story may be harsh, he maybe wounded and getting his revenge for the less than ideal way his life story has played out. Possibly unfairly, possibly not.

Unless you have been in a position of knowing that your birth mother chose not to keep you with her (particularly when they kept a subsequent birth child) and have had to come to terms with that, then judging someone for their reaction is more than a little harsh and lacking in empathy.

cakewench - I have little doubt that he would rather that his birth mother was a complete nobody who wanted the modicum of contact than getting his couple of grand for his story Hmm

Kewcumber · 11/10/2010 00:12

he is the only person in the adoption triangle who had no choice in any of this and it seems continues to have no choice. Perhaps the article is his way of taking some control.

MrsChemist · 11/10/2010 00:48

As someone who was adopted, and whose birth mother wants nothing to do with, I still struggle to sympathise with him. He just doesn't seem to have taken into account anyone's feelings on the matter, except his own.

He's ridden roughshod over his adoptive parent's feelings and his birth mother's feelings by blabbing to the paper about something intensely personal, and not wholly relating to himself.

I get that he feels rejected. I've felt that, and it took me a while to get over it, but I didn't scream from the rooftops that my birth mother was heartless. Even when I got her address (after the rejection. That was all done through the agency) I realised it would be cruel to rock up on her doorstep, no matter how upset I was.

Original poster
Northernlurker · 11/10/2010 07:47

MrsChemist - sorry that has been your experience.

Kewcumber - interesting post. I hadn't thought about the article as a way of taking control when otherwise he had none. It just seems like there's a thin line between control and something like revenge though?

OP posts:
Hullygully · 11/10/2010 07:51

Poor guy.

I agree with Kew.

GooseyLoosey · 11/10/2010 08:15

See I can understand why the meeting even if no further contact was wanted. Dh is adopted and although there are currently no circumstances under which he would agree to meet his birth parents, there is a real curiosity there as to what they look like and who they are etc whilst there is no desire whatsoever to have any kind of relationship with them. A one off, no-strings meeting would answer many of these questions. Perhaps she thought it would do the same for him.

Goldenbear · 11/10/2010 08:59

Yes I can see why the person who had been adopted may want a one off curiosity meeting. However, as the biological parent surely it is not a meeting you should agree to unless you're prepared for the expectation that they may want to continue to meet. It is unfair the other way round, it is the double rejection.

ApocalypseCheese · 11/10/2010 09:33

Oh my god, poor guy ! Shock

diddl · 11/10/2010 09:39

I want to know who his father isBlush

NoelEdmondshair · 11/10/2010 09:42

"i feel for the adoptive family, they accepted a baby as there own, but blood is still thicker than water"

What an offensive thing to say to adoptive families. And totally untrue.

Hullygully · 11/10/2010 09:48

I want to know too. And I think the mother is a bit horrid. She might not want any further contact, but what about him?

NorkyButNice · 11/10/2010 09:53

I was adopted as a baby. I made contact with my birth mother 10 years or so ago but we've never met as I changed my mind about it after a few month of email writing. I do see one of my 3 half brothers (birth mother's sons) though which I guess must be strange for her.

I don't think anyone can judge anyone else's adoptive relationships, although selling his story is a crap thing to do.

fedupofnamechanging · 11/10/2010 10:01

I think that when you give birth to a baby you are a mother forevever, whether you raise the child yourself or not. I therefore think that a birth mother has an obligation to the child, to do the right thing by him/her (the 'right thing' may well vary from person to person). I don't believe it is something you can opt out of without causing hurt to a person who has had no say in any of the decision making.

I agree that he was wrong to go to the papers.It doesn't help anyone.

ColdComfortFarm · 11/10/2010 10:10

I think if he really wanted a relationship with his birth family, including his biological sister, then he has really fucked up by taking this revenge. If I were Lucy, I'd completely withdraw from the relationship for two reasons: loyalty to my mother, and fear that if I or my children ever did anything 'wrong' in his eyes he'd rush to the papers to traduce me for it. It is a cruel revenge to do this to a woman who didn't want to have a baby, was only 16 when he was born, and thought he had a lovely life with loving parents. Reading the story, I find the role of the bloke's wife very suspicious. Maybe they both thought they would finally get the fame and showbiz lifestyle they clearly crave by being part of his mother's life. Maybe she sensed that?