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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

It is the weekend and my DP is cleaning his car and I am still left looking after DD

33 replies

LittlebearH · 10/10/2010 11:14

He fed her at 7am (only cos Grand prix was on) and I am home all week and yet it is the weekend..still no break!!! Maybe its the fact I am severely sleep deprived at being woken every 2hrs!!

OP posts:
Chil1234 · 10/10/2010 11:19

If you're tired, announce loudly.. 'I'm going back to bed for a bit, you'll be OK with DD won't you?'.... and just go to bed. Doesn't work if you leave it to telepathy. :)

MissisBoot · 10/10/2010 11:22

As above...

iMummy · 10/10/2010 11:22

Pop her in the car seat and bugger off back to bed.

Ragwort · 10/10/2010 11:24

I'd be more interested in whether or not he was cleaning my car as well Grin.

Original poster
LittlebearH · 10/10/2010 11:34

Lol. Oh and yesyerday he went shopping with his mum for his birthday present, came home and fell asleep on the sofa. Whilst I was making sure DD didnt wake from her lunch nap and thinking up ways to kill him! :)These anti deps I am taking are not working!!!!!
Have tried telling him but in one ear out the other. Men eh?

OP posts:
MoonUnitAlpha · 10/10/2010 11:41

Being a man is not an excuse! My DP is taking the baby out between feeds today so I can sleep and catch up on stuff - when we're both here baby care is shared. The only thing dp can't do is breastfeed.

MissisBoot · 10/10/2010 11:42

Ok - you need to have serious talk with him - this is not fair and if you are on anti-d's he needs to start understanding that he needs to start being a parent (not another child) and pull his weight at home.

How old is your dd?

Not all men have these character traits.

ScaryFucker · 10/10/2010 11:43

"Men, eh ??"

no, that does not compute, sorry

Give your child to its father and bugger off for the rest of the day.

Sorted.

Original poster
LittlebearH · 10/10/2010 12:15

This is only the tip of iceberg. She is 8 months. See my other posts in sleep. Under "I am sick of going to bed at 8pm" and "My baby cries for 3-4 hours"!!I am fed up with asking can you feed her/change her/get this that. Just wish he would use his initiative and see what needs doing. Think I may be asking too much.

Loving the support on here, I only joined on Friday.xx

OP posts:
rubyslippers · 10/10/2010 12:19

It's about fairness

He had a sleep yesterday, so you have one today

If your sleep is that broken, then you need to catch up when you can

My DD, who was EBF, woke 3 hourly until she was around 7 months so I didn't get more than a few hours of broken sleep for months so I sympathize

You may have to spell it out - don't assume he knows what you feel and what you wAnt him to do

Chil1234 · 10/10/2010 12:26

If wishes were pennies we'd all be millionaires. Wishing that partners would use initiative gets you nowhere. You and your husband have to work as a team and you (it sounds like) have to take the initiative in managing that team. TOGETHER work out plans for the week ahead... who's doing what, who's covering nights and weekends, who's having personal time-out.... and get his commitment to see it through.

If you don't ask, you don't get.

ScaryFucker · 10/10/2010 12:42

....and stop excusing him out of being fair-minded because he is in possession of a penis

ray81 · 10/10/2010 12:48

Poor you. Him being a man is not an excuse at all. My Dh would be much the same though if i didnt tell him what i want him to do.
When he comes in after work i give him DD and say "i'm going to have a shower" and disappear for half an hr just to have a little break, and then after my shower i say " is daddy going to give DD and bath" lol he cant get out of it that way so i have a good hr to myself.

You need to take your Dd out to him and tell him you are very tired and are going back to bed for a while. Be firm with him. lol

MoonUnitAlpha · 10/10/2010 13:31

If he can't work it out for himself, timetable him! Get a whiteboard and write it out if you have to, or stick a timetable on the fridge.

For example:

Bath time is his responsibility every night
You get a lie in on Saturday
He gets a lie in on Sunday
Sunday afternoon he takes the baby out for at least 3 hours

DarciesmumandTTC2 · 10/10/2010 13:38

You need to tell your DP how you feel. If your tired put DD in her buggy or in her carseat pop her outside and go back to bed. You shouldn't have to ask your DP to look after his child.

I've told DP this week, felt like a single parent I feel i'm doing everything.

He's apologised and currently making cakes with DD aged 5 and afterwards they will both be cleaning both cars and I can MN and chill out :)

bumpsoon · 10/10/2010 14:10

mine has buggered off for the whole day today ,ds is 10 months and he hasnt changed a nappy ,fed him,bathed and has up to now taken him out for 4 hour long stints in 10 bloody months .MEH!

bumpsoon · 10/10/2010 14:17

Not trying to out do you in the hopeless blokes stakes . When he has finished cleaning his car ,sit him down and say i am at the point of no return ,if you do not take your child out for a couple of hours while i get to catch up on some sleep , all your beloved possessions will be at risk of serious harm ,including the ones dangling between your legsGrin

DarciesmumandTTC2 · 10/10/2010 14:20

Grin bumpsoon at the harm between the legs

cat64 · 10/10/2010 14:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
LittlebearH · 10/10/2010 16:16

He has finally taken her out for a walk. I do ask him to help but then he says i am being bossy!! I cant win!!

OP posts:
ScaryFucker · 10/10/2010 17:29

Asking your husband to share the care of the child he created with you is not being bossy

If you accept that statement at face value, you are rather foolish.

Xenia · 10/10/2010 18:21

WHy do so many people allow these things to happen? It's not hard to leave a baby with its father and go to bed and lock the bed room door or take yourself out for 3 horus having left the baby with him. Why can some women do that and others seem so timid they cannot? I just don't understand it but I have never been with a sexist man and we both worked full time and did as much childcare as each other.

It's not about being bossy either. You can be very nice to people and share care too. Perhaps it's not made clear what is a fair sharing of things. I think you need set times at every time of week. We had a stage with our 5 when one of us had them all alone only that person on Saturday during the day and the other onSunday. That worked verywellfor our family at that stage and then you always knew where you were. It's like children and homework - do it at the same time every day and they accept the routine.

ScaryFucker · 10/10/2010 18:37

Xenia, I don't understand it either but I can see it is very common

Social conditioning of women (often by other women) has a lot to answer for !

expatinscotland · 10/10/2010 18:43

Sharing childcare is not 'helping'.

I agree with Xenia.

TBH, I could never be with a sexist prig like this. I wouldn't treat my spouse like this so I won't accept being treated like that.

I'd figure, well, I'm alone with the kid already, what do I need him for?

shimmerysilverghosty · 10/10/2010 18:55

Xenia is it not about timidity, believe me, I am the least timid person you could ever meet but some men are just so pathalogically selfish you literally cannot get them to see what they should be doing.

My ex never once got up with our dc in all the time they were babies, never did any housework, used to disappear for days at a time on the lash and spent all our money in himself.

No amount of shouting, ultimatum, pleading, talking reasonably etc would work with him. I made him leave in the end but not before I had a nervous breakdown. There are some people who cannot be reasoned with. Since he left and during a big old moan session he had about being sad not to live with his children anymore, I said to him "would you do anything different in your next relationship?" Do you know what he said "yes, I would marry someone more submissive". Ergo his behaviour was not the problem, me objecting to his behavriou was what caused all the problems in our relationship in his eyes. How can you reason with a man like that?

OP I hope to goodness your DP is not like my ex but if he still isn't getting the message after 8 months I fear he might be.

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