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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

It is the weekend and my DP is cleaning his car and I am still left looking after DD

33 replies

LittlebearH · 10/10/2010 11:14

He fed her at 7am (only cos Grand prix was on) and I am home all week and yet it is the weekend..still no break!!! Maybe its the fact I am severely sleep deprived at being woken every 2hrs!!

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expatinscotland · 10/10/2010 18:57

Hence, he's your ex shimmery.

:)

Anyone who behaved like him would be my ex, too.

LittlebearH · 10/10/2010 19:30

Its not that he wont help as such just I have to say can you or do you this that or other. I just get so pissed off asking too. You know when you have been talking to your little one all day and they come home you sort of get sick of the sound of your own voice. The house could be a sh*t hole and it wouldnt occur to get the hoover out. Yet if he is out of clean boxers...!! He likes doing the fun stuff like giving her a bath yet unloading the dishwasher or the cat tray...nope!! I dont mind running the house generally but when I am hoovering at 7.30am on a Saturday so little one can happily roll around the floor not getting covered in cat fur he is more concerned about eating his toast. And I am the one on valium and anti deps... :)

Maybe some of you are right.. perhaps I am own worst enemy. If you want something doing you end up doing it.

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otchayaniye · 10/10/2010 19:42

my husband is a SAHD (well, he also keeps his hand in with 2 night shifts a week) and he STILL will get up with her or take her out for a while, drive her up to his parents, bath her every night.

It doesn't even cross my mind that he's 'helping' me. He is bringing up his daughter with me.

My female friends all go on about him as if he were some weird saint. He's great, wonderful, all those things, but he's just doing what any good PARENT would do.

Xenia · 10/10/2010 19:51

I think the main issue is it is hard for any of us to help. IN our marriage for example

Their father took them to the dentist of 17 yearsa. I didn't go once. It was his arena. I didn't have to think about it or remind him

I did our tax returns

He did all washing for some periods such that I wasn't even sure how to work the machine at times. I didn't haev to think about it. He did washing, I did getting school bags ready for next day,.

IOn other words it's about fair division - such as you have the children (we had 3 under 4 at one point) and later twins on Saturday (or Saturday am) every single week and i have them on Sunday (or Saturyda pm or whowever you divide it. You do the ashing and I wil cook and then you each do 10% of your area of responsibility and never do the other person's.

InVinoFerretsAss · 10/10/2010 20:05

This is such a common thing I think for first baby couples. Assuming he is not a total twat like shimmery's ex was (well done you by the way for kicking him out by the way!!) then some men just don't 'get it'.

And us women have a tendency to seethe inwardly rather than just saying what we want. My DH was utterly, totally, selfish and lazy when we had our first DD. Out on the piss after work during the week, sleeping on the sofa all weekend. I'm amazed I didn't cut his knackers off at some point. Grin
BUT here we are, 2 DCs later and he is a very unselfish, hard-working hands-on dad. He still needs a nudge every now and again (during the Grand Prix for example!) but we try to give each other some time off or a sleep in and just share the rest.

It's taken rows, tears, rational conversations, more rows/tears etc.. but eventually he got it.

The problem is men assume we'll tell them whenever we want them to do something. They prefer it that way because then they don't have to think AND the default is that they do nothing until asked. Then when you ask you feel like you're nagging, or they tell you you're nagging!

I agree with the posters on here who have said to spell it out in a list or rota. Agree on weekend sharing of chores/baby jobs/whatever. If you're on meds you need support and sleep and he needs to pull his finger out.

It may take some time but hang in there. My doc once said to me "if you collapse, then everything collapses with you. Move yourself up a bit on your list of priorities" which I thought was pretty good advice.
Best of luck to you! Smile

LittlebearH · 10/10/2010 20:13

IVFA Think you are right. Although sadly dont know if there will ever be a baby no.2 but will try to seethe inwardly less and hang in there!

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ScaryFucker · 10/10/2010 20:20

shimmery, your post is very eloquent and describes perfectly how women find themselves in these situations

no-one asks for this, do they ?

LittlebearH · 10/10/2010 20:27

No they dont. TBH think it is hard on first time parents. It wasnt how either of us dreamt it would be. I feel like a different person and I DP would agree. I had visions of nice family days out not stuck in for 3 months barely able to walk after a broken coccyx in forceps delivery with infections and now too tired with DD not sleeping through. I am a miserable anxious cow from his point of view i expect! :)

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