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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want to leap into socialising with this woman?

35 replies

PotKettleBlack · 09/10/2010 20:38

ds goes to an sports activity class on Sat mornings, and I get an hour of being anti-social with papers and coffee on a nearby bench.

After the class another mum rushed up to me (we have never spoken, she spends the time hovering behind her kid) and said "ooh shall we do a playdate and lunch after class next week?" I actually turned round to look behind me as I thought she must be talking to someone she knows. I apologised and said we couldn't next week as we're not around next Sat (true). I said this in a whisper as have laryngitis and couldn't talk any louder. She replied, in a completely normal volume voice "oh yes, I've lost my voice too, it just went last night, I can hardly speak." wtf? Confused

She said about doing it after half term so I nodded a bit - but I really don't want to!

I feel mean because actually I am usually friendly and sociable eg in the playground where paper-reading opportunities are limited - and perhaps she is desperately trying to make friends - but she seemed to have got it in the wrong order - ie have a bit of casual chat first, swap names, details about dcs ... then ask about social stuff. oh, and don't empathise about stuff to the point of lying!!

AIBU to just avoid her at the next session?

OP posts:
jkklpu · 09/10/2010 20:41

Is there any evidence that your children get on well at the class? If you really don't want to, then don't. But bear in mind this other mother may have issues you don't know about and that this approach she has made has taken a lot of guts. Ask your ds about the other child and see what you think.

Original poster
PotKettleBlack · 09/10/2010 20:52

as far as I could see, her dc and mine had nil interaction in the class. I don't even know her child's name so can't really ask ds (he's 3.5 so not always clued up on who's who).

I do get it that this may have taken a bit of a leap but I have plenty of stress and responsibility in my own life so am not sure I want to take on any extra.

OP posts:
mylittlemonkey · 09/10/2010 21:59

Why dont you try and get to know her a bit better by talking to her during the next class then decide if you want to avoid her. You can always make some excuse if you dont want to meet socially after. It may just be that she came across all wrong - i am sure we have all had occasions where we have given a bad first impression to someone and not representitave of our true personality at all.

I say give her a chance before writing her off. She obviously is trying to make an effort to make friends if not for her sake but probably for her son as well. Think how you would feel if you had put yourself out there and then were snubbed.

ilovehens · 09/10/2010 22:05

I arranged a playdate with a woman that I met on the bus one day. She turned into my stalker and she wasn't able to leave the house because she had to stay home and check her bids on ebay all day. Her kid was weird and my ds and him didn't even get along.

You shouldn't arrange a playdate with someone until you've gotten to know them a bit. It's so boring if you're stuck with someone who's just plain strange.

sofaaddict · 09/10/2010 22:05

I would give her a chance, she might well be embarrassed for her previous intrusion and hang back abit. It won't hurt to give it a go and meet up occasionally. However, saying that I'm currently finding it difficult enough to find the time to meet up with and spend time with people I love and am close to, so I wouldn't be in a hurry to make a new friend I didn't need either.

AliceInHerPartyDress · 09/10/2010 22:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mumcentreplus · 09/10/2010 22:28

give her a break..see what happens ..she sounds a bit full-on but she might be fine..you never know

Original poster
PotKettleBlack · 09/10/2010 22:29

yes, that's me, stand-offish, you obviously know me really well.

I didn't say she was a stalker, I didn't say I was too busy. I thought she was a bit full on for someone I've never spoken to before and I thought she was a bit odd with the obviously untrue statement about losing her voice.

I did say I felt mean to avoid her, hence asking for opinions on what to do. Why leap on me with your judgements about being stand offish and snide. Are you her?

OP posts:
Original poster
PotKettleBlack · 09/10/2010 22:29

that was to Alice, not Mumcentre btw

OP posts:
alicet · 09/10/2010 22:32

I have given notes into nursery to ask if children my son walks about want to come over and play because ds has spoken about their dc a lot.

Personally I don't care if I don't like the parent - I am doing it for ds. And actually i have made some very good friends doing this.

Wouldn't be offended if they didn't respond or said no though.

I think if she keeps on and on asking then I could see why that might be annoying but asking doesn't make her mad or a stalker or even unreasonable imho. I am certainly none of those things!

Probably if she asks again I would be inclined to say something along the lines of 'I will ask ds if he would like a playdate - what is your dcs name?'

peggotty · 09/10/2010 22:33

Her approach was a bit ott. And that can be off-putting in itself but at other times you might have been grateful for someone to be so forward, so maybe give her a chance. Not to rush into a playdate, stall her on that, but maybe get to know her a little bit?

alicet · 09/10/2010 22:33

children my son talks about not walks about that should be!

Whoremoanall · 09/10/2010 22:34

Who doesn't need new friends ...?
Give the woman a chance FGS! A 3.5 year old is hardly going to give you reliable info for all the kids in their class, as I can recall when asking my DC who they played with at that age and even now they are very vague.
She may be very shy and has taken effort to approach you hence the garble she came out with.
I shudder at the rubbish I can come out with as I find talking to anyone new quite daunting - especially mummy's I don't know!

Original poster
PotKettleBlack · 09/10/2010 22:37

good advice thanks - will certainly chat to her but stall on committing to more. ds hasn't a clue who anyone else in the class is, he just enjoys the running and jumping!

OP posts:
alicet · 09/10/2010 22:40

whoremoanall some kids can give pretty reliable info - my ds2 who has just turned 3 was very very prescriptive about who he would and wouldn't have at his recent birthday party - for eg: 'No X can't come I don't like her' and 'I don't want Y to come he is a naughty boy and pushes people'. There was even 1 child Z he had asked to come and when I told him that Z's mum had replied saying yes he said 'I don't like that Z'

So I would ask the mum who her child is and then ask ds if he wanted a playdate. Or if I really really didn't want to meet up with her (I don't thin kthis would bother me by the way but I can get why the op is a bit taken aback...) I would not bother asking ds but use it as an excuse - something like 'sorry but ds didn't seem too keen on the idea'

AliceInHerPartyDress · 09/10/2010 22:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
PotKettleBlack · 09/10/2010 22:43

you really do know me then!

OP posts:
Katisha · 09/10/2010 22:47

I am stand-offish.
I wouldn't be rushing to socialise on the basis of children being in the same class either.

Original poster
PotKettleBlack · 09/10/2010 22:51

I don't really get why what anyone here has said is horrible - just different attitudes to socialising and making friends. when someone is a bit full on, going from never met to let's do lunch in 0.2 seconds it can be a bit surprising!

OP posts:
AliceInHerPartyDress · 09/10/2010 22:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

UniS · 09/10/2010 22:53

would same day n time to play park be less intimidating than a "play date"... neutral turf and all that.

Original poster
PotKettleBlack · 09/10/2010 22:54

well that would make us both happy then wouldn't it Alice?!

OP posts:
ilovehens · 09/10/2010 22:55

Well, to be honest, I don't rush into such things because I've had two mum stalkers in my time. The first was with a woman from the baby class who stalked me together with her mother and the second was the woman I described above. They both used to phone me all the time and would try to hammer my door down when I was trying to sleep after my nightshifts (after I'd told them I was on nightshift that night). It took a lot of effort to dump them.

alicet · 09/10/2010 22:56

Do you know what? I would happily do the playdate thing but I'd be well hacked off if I actually had to talk to someone when I was looking forward to chilling with the paper!!!! With 2 little sons time to do that is very very precious and rare! Same with people chatting to me on the train. I knwo I might be antisocial but LEAVE ME ALONE!!

Now then pkb if I promise not to talk to you or send notes to your sons nursery about playdates can I have the travel supplement?

Original poster
PotKettleBlack · 09/10/2010 23:00

lol alicet, the travel section is all yours. you can also have appointments, sport and business. But I want the news review all to myself.

I am sociable honest, just like to ease in gently with a bit of small talk first.

OP posts:
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