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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that most childrens parties are for confident 'alpha' children?!

41 replies

peggotty · 09/10/2010 18:06

Not my poor dd, who always wants to go to them but will often end up glued to my side and looking fairly miserable. The parties with childrens 'entertainers' are the worst; blaring music, and some dufus in a clown suit bellowing into a microphone.

Admitedly I am being slightly unreasonable, as my dd is usually the only one on the sidelines Sad but I really don't know what to do as she always wants to go them regardless, then says she's had a good time when all evidence points to the contrary! Should I stop telling her about party invites or try and suss out whether they're going to have these hellish entertainers at them or not before I accept/decline?

OP posts:
activate · 09/10/2010 18:07

she sounds about 4 am I right?

she'll be better as she gets older

Original poster
peggotty · 09/10/2010 18:09

She's 5.5. I have a feeling she's going to be like this for years to come.

OP posts:
ValentinCrimble · 09/10/2010 18:10

My child was the same but grew out of it by age 5 or so. My neice also hates them and now she has turned 8 is much more comfy because she can choose just one special friend for her own celebrations...and other kids are doingthe same...or choosing 2 or 3 if they are more outgoing kids.

It's fine. IN the Wesern world it' expected that ALL people should be confident, outgoing, outspoken etc but it create a lot of misery for those of us who are not like that. I am very shy and have accepted it...I sometimes tell people I am shy....it makes them feel better Smile

Accept your DDs ways...and she will also...and it will get easier....

MardyBra · 09/10/2010 18:11

As they get a bit older, the parties tend to be smaller groups with trips to the cinema/bowling/Quasar etc. So the entertainer thing will die out by year 2/3 anyway.

ruddynorah · 09/10/2010 18:11

do you want her to be more confident socially? not sure if you're saying the parties are the problem or your dd iyswim.

does she do any activities to boost her confidence? how is she amongst her friends? are her friends not at these parties?

SoMuchToBits · 09/10/2010 18:14

I think one of the problems is that children's parties (especially at this age) are far too big. So the confident , outgoing children thrive, and the less confident ones are left on the sidelines.

I know my ds would have much preferred to go to smaller parties at this age. The trouble is, they have usually not long started school at this age, so haven't really settled on who their friends are, so you feel you have to invite loads.

Faaamily · 09/10/2010 18:14

Keep bringing her if she wants to be at them. Maybe she'll always be the shy girl on the sidelines, or maybe she will grow in confidence...or maybe she will end up like a large percentage of perfectly normal, well adjusted adults who just much like parties Grin.

Original poster
peggotty · 09/10/2010 18:15

Well I would like her to more confident socially but I am trying very hard to accept her the way she is. I know that most children love this type of party, but I can't help feeling sad that dd doesn't enjoy them, yet want to go to them and sees that all her friends do enjoy them. She doesn't seem aware that she is the only one not joining in (I won't point it out to her) but I don't know whether I should just stop accepting invites for them for a while?

OP posts:
Original poster
peggotty · 09/10/2010 18:18

SoMuchToBIts - yes, they are usually huge parties, you're right. And in fact I had a fairly large party for dd when she was in reception . For her sixth birthday in Feb I am planning on just a few friends!

OP posts:
pigletmania · 09/10/2010 18:18

I totally agree valentinecrimble, my dd 3.6 is very shy, though she can talk, cannot communicate very well socially,and often does not know how to approach social situations. But because of this there is deemed something wrong and is seeing the SALT and Ed Psych. Not all children are the same some are more confident, but others are shy. #they are only little and will not be the same when they are older. I was the same too btw and can talk for England now and very confident and assertive.

They are only young and will develop social skills as they get older, I am sure your dd will in time.

ValentinCrimble · 09/10/2010 18:19

No...don't stop accepting the invitations. Your DD is assimilating all she sees and learning coping mechanisms...she ay at some point come out of her shell...or not...as a very shy person I have truly become at peace with it. Theres nothing wrong with it....it hasnt hindered me at all...I have always had only a small group of friends who are totally unconnected...I see them one at a time...I went to Uni...had a ball....got a good job, nice DH....I'm shy and fine! So will your DD be....don't be sad...try to see it positively...as the Asian countries do. There, shy people are seen as wiser than average...listening and watching you learn more.

ValentinCrimble · 09/10/2010 18:22

yes pigletmania...my own DC did not speak one word to anyone during reception for almost a whole term....they were fine with it and accepted DC totally....when something happened which caught DC's imagintion he suddenly would not shut up!

Thank goodness his teachers were older and wiser than many.

LynetteScavo · 09/10/2010 18:23

Great advice form ValentinCrimble.

DS1 hated parties, even the idea of them. Now he's 11 I would describe him as "quietly confident".

He even went to the Junior School disco last summer!

Original poster
peggotty · 09/10/2010 18:26

Valentin, I would describe myself as shy also, but unfortunately not confident in the least, so I struggle to know the best way to deal with dd. I accept that she is shy but I want her to also be confident.

Lynette, did your ds not go to parties when he was younger then?

OP posts:
octopusinabox · 09/10/2010 18:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ValentinCrimble · 09/10/2010 18:29

I advise a playdate....the bond of having had a child at home to play can really improve childrens perception of socialising...ask one of DD;s little classmates home to play perhaps?

Original poster
peggotty · 09/10/2010 18:32

Valentin, we do this already. DD doesn't have a 'best' friend but we have 2 girls back to our house fairly regularly. She's fine with one or two friends, confident and happy. I just foresee years of party-angst!

OP posts:
kittywise · 09/10/2010 18:48

What the bloody hell is an alpha child then? All my kids like parties so they are alpha children?
Frankly it would have been better to simply say 'confident' children.
Alpha makes it sound like they are higher up in the social pecking order or something, which of course had nothing to do with confidence.
Bad turn of phrase.

spongecakelover · 09/10/2010 18:49

I was that child! Crying at the door, scared of the conjurer, worrying about where the loo was etc. I got over the really angsty stuff but never really enjoyed that type of party. For my own parties my parents just did stuff at home or free play sort of things. One year we all went to a small local swimming pool. When parties started being a bit less group activityish (like starting to be discos etc) I enjoyed them much more.

Bonsoir · 09/10/2010 18:49

My DD (nearly 6) is not shy at all, but she hated the few really massive birthday parties she went to last year. She prefers smaller parties with closer friends where there is more interaction between the children rather than direction from an entertainer.

Original poster
peggotty · 09/10/2010 19:10

Kittiwise, I will 'fess up, it was perhaps an attention seeking turn of phrase. As was putting it in AIBU instead of parenting or behaviour/development topic instead. I had just got in from one of these type of parties and was feeling a bit down about it.

OP posts:
ValentinCrimble · 09/10/2010 19:23

I knew you had just been to one...they'r'e nightmares for me too....they don't go on forever...there won't be years of this to come honestly...chill out....DD will be just fine.

Onetoomanycornettos · 09/10/2010 19:29

I would keep taking her if she says she wants to go, she's also old enough to start to tell you about how she feels about standing on the side, does she want to join in more, or is she happy watching?

I would also do a home party say with six friends for her next one. I find this is much nicer for the more reserved children (not my own, more's the pity, see I worry about mine being LOUD and talking nonstop, so we all have our worries!) They can explore her bedroom, dance to a few disco tapes, and it's all so much nicer and more bearable than having her standing in a church hall with bedlam around her.

autodidact · 09/10/2010 19:33

Love the advice from Valentin. Lovely to remember that there are really positive sides to shyness.
Is it normal to stay at parties with 5 year olds these days? Can't remember when I started leaving my elder kids and the baby doesn't do parties yet. May be better all round when you don't have to stay and agonise?

weasle · 09/10/2010 19:57

peggotty, my ds is just like this. we went to a party today, and despite it being 80% his reception class, he needed 3 goes to get in the room, and then clung to me all the time. finally, 2 mins before the end he started joining in.

i find it difficult when everyone else's kids seem so confident and feel embarrassed when he lies on the floor crying and behaving oddly. even though i was just like this as a child. i hated my mum saying 'go on in, there's so-and-so, go and play' and yet i am doing it! now i am probably thought of as very outgoing, with a big circle of friends , but sometimes i still retreat into my shell. both i and ds like to watch and observe before joining in.

i have found the book highly sensitive child very helpful.