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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not stay with PIL

34 replies

Ieattoomuchcake · 09/10/2010 13:41

I will try to keep this brief!
DH is due to be away in London thurs fri this week then at meetings in PIL home town the following Monday. PIL live about half an hour away from my mum and both are about two hours drive from where I live.
Because of DH work arrangements we agreed that I would take DD to my mum Wednesday, then go to PIL Friday pm, meet DH there and have weekend with PIL. Fine.
Now DH tells me he has arranged various social things for the weekend (for just him, eg golf) and he expects me to spend the weekend w PIL myself with him just nipping in as his social arrangements allow.
Based on this I want to just stay with my mum the whole time and just take DD through to PIL for the day on Saturday.
I think this will be best for her too as she will be sleeping in the same house each night so less disruption. She is five months old so I may be being a bit precious on that point.
DH is going all pouty lip at me saying how much his mum will be upset to not have whole weekend w DD. So I thought I'd see if you guys think I am being unreasonable...

OP posts:
clam · 09/10/2010 13:44

Stuff his pouty lip. Tell him you'll stay there if he re-arranges his social engagements to include you all.

Original poster
Ieattoomuchcake · 09/10/2010 13:49

Hee Hee clam. That made me smile.
My issue is that I am feeling I'm maybe being mean to PIL by depriving them of DD. I am guilty of getting myself tied up in knots about what other people think though...

OP posts:
sheeplikessleep · 09/10/2010 13:52

YANBU. If your DH were staying there all weekend, then you would be unreasonable to be at your parents. BUT, he's doing his own thing, so he is BU to expect you to spend weekend at your ILs without him (for much of the time). You're still being generous by taking you DD by yourself on the Saturday.

taintedpaint · 09/10/2010 13:54

I'm not sure on this one. I don't think the sleeping arrangements should be taken into account too much really, but then you say you sort of realise that.

Do you have any problems with your ILs? If you don't, I would stay there tbh, although it would depend on what kind of relationship you have with them. If it's a matter of choice between them and your mum (and that alone), couldn't you put yourself out for one weekend so the GPs get time with your DD? It sounds a bit like you really don't want to spend time there regardless.

YANBU though, just a bit selfish maybe, which is not inherently a bad thing. Your DH, however, is BVVVVU. He should be spending time with you and your DD and his parents. But if it was me, I wouldn't change the arrangements and in effect punish his parents for his shit treatment of all of you.

I'm not really sure what the answer is on this one. I still think you should probably stay with the ILs. How much time do they get to spend with your DD? If it's a lot, I would be more inclined to just do the day thing. But if you do stay there, I would demand that your DH spends more time with you than he is planning. He sounds terribly selfish, expecting you to slot in with his plans.

defineme · 09/10/2010 13:57

He's thinking entirely about himself. Point out to him that his parents will want to see him too. If you are breastfeeding then she stays with you, but if you're not I'd be tempted to hand dd over forr a day and night so you can golf or whatever you fancy-sure dh and his parents will manage.

The sleeping in the same house is a bit precious, but outrage at being dumped with pil whilst he golfs-YANBU!

loopyloops · 09/10/2010 13:58

I think you're being generous. I probably wouldn't go to PILS without him.

taintedpaint · 09/10/2010 14:01

Btw, did he arrange these 'social' things before you agreed to go to the ILs? If he's duped you into going and the ILs know about this, that changes my perspective slightly.

Original poster
Ieattoomuchcake · 09/10/2010 14:08

Well, I'm not really sure he duped me. But we made the arrangements re me going to my mums then on to his parents about a month ago. And then today I asked if there were any plans for doing anything in particular while there. And he said he had arranged golf sat and sun, going out sat pm and also needed to see another friend at some point (which is actually fair enough as she's recently bereaved).
I just had assumed that he would be spending time w me and DD, it was never actually said. I didn't realise I needed to specify.
I am BF so leaving her w PIL not an option.
I do think to a certain extent I am punishing PIL for DH's plans. But I felt that taking her through for the day on the saturday was a compromise.

OP posts:
clam · 09/10/2010 14:09

You're not the one depriving his parents from seeing their DGD. He is. If he changes his golfing plans, then the problem's sorted!

Original poster
Ieattoomuchcake · 09/10/2010 14:10

Oh and I don't have any issues w ILs. I just wouldn't normally choose to spend time w them without DH

OP posts:
sheeplikessleep · 09/10/2010 14:11

I think going for the day on the Saturday is enough in itself, given your DH isn't with you and your mum lives so close. What would he do if the roles were reversed (difficult to consider I know, but would he happily spend the weekend at your mums if you had arranged other stuff to do by yourself?).

taintedpaint · 09/10/2010 14:42

FWIW, you sound like a nice DIL so I wouldn't feel too guilty whatever you decide. It sounds like your DH wasn't going to tell you of these plans until right at the last minute, which to me says he knows you wouldn't like it, which in turn sounds a bit like you've been duped. Your DH seeing his friend is totally understandable and it would be wildly unreasonable to stop him from doing that, but I think you may need to take the stance that you will sleep at the house if he doesn't do the golf stuff. And if he does, you take off for your parents. You shouldn't be expected to spend the weekend with his parents, it's nice if you have the kind of relationship where you can, but he really sounds like he's taking advantage of that.

I can't get over how selfish your DH sounds. I still think you could stay there anyway, but it isn't really your responsibility to facilitate ILs time with your DD is it? If his DM cries, it's really his fault, whether or not you made the decision to call it off.

Longtalljosie · 09/10/2010 14:53

What do you want to do? He's pleasing himself. You please yourself.

Meow75 · 09/10/2010 14:54

What about your mum? Why is no-one considering that SHE might be being deprived of spending time with her daughter and grand-daughter, as 3 gens of the same family, without any interruption.

Tell Pouty-Lip to cancel his golf or suck it up!!!

diddl · 09/10/2010 15:01

"I think you're being generous. I probably wouldn't go to PILS without him"

Me too-could probably tolerate 2hrs tops.

TBH, I´d be staying at Mums as if she was OK with it, inviting PILs for a few hours on one day.

werewolf · 09/10/2010 15:01

Just when is he spending any family time with you and dd this weekend?

clam · 09/10/2010 15:05

sheep makes a good point. How many men are there on this earth, who would (willingly) go to spend the weekend at their MIL's with the kids, while the DW went off out with her mates for most of it? And then feel guilty if it was suggested that they were depriving the MIL of contact with the grandchildren if they objected?
I'm guessing the vast majority of men would give a 2-word answer ending in 'off.'

WriterofDreams · 09/10/2010 15:07

Wow you must be a lovely kind even tempered wife cos my DH wouldn't even try this one on me! He'd be bollocked from here to Tuesday if he did!

I'd tell your DH in no uncertain terms that if he's so concerned about his parents seeing their GC that it's his job to sort it out, not yours. TBH I think it happens a lot in families that the wife becomes the social secretary and takes on responsibility for everyone and it's just not fair. DH tried this on me a few years ago. His parents were coming to stay and I was getting in a twist trying to sort out where they would be staying when I realised they were his bloody parents and he wasn't lifting a finger! I left everything hanging at the last minute and luckily he sorted it out but when he started to complain he realised himself what an ass he was being and he's never tried the same thing again. However, when his best friend is coming to stay he still rings me instead my of my DH which baffles me although I suppose it's sort of a mark of respect that he feels he has to clear it with me first (am I really that scary???) Even if the bf does ring me it's up to DH to sort out all arrangements.

babymutha · 09/10/2010 15:14

YANBU - your DH is! If he can't be bothered to spend grandchild time at his own parents because he's rather do other things, how can he expect you to? Hmmm. Not fair.

Mumcentreplus · 09/10/2010 15:17

Do you not like you PILs?...

diddl · 09/10/2010 15:20

"Do you not like you PILs?..."

Not sure if that´s the point tbh.

Would many rather be with ILs than their own Mum?

Also, it´s the assuption by OPs husband that she doesn´t mind.

RunawayWife · 09/10/2010 15:26

I think it is unreasonable to cut down on the time your in-laws get to spend with their grandchild after your parents getting a lovely chunk of time with her, I think your DH need to un-arrange his social plans

Mumcentreplus · 09/10/2010 15:26

I agree diddl just asking the question..I like my MIL..surely that makes a difference??..the assusmption is something else!!..swanning (is it 2 ns?) off is not on and presuming it doesn't matter would piss me off no end..

DaftApeth · 09/10/2010 15:43

I would be sooo pissed off if dh did this to me.

I, perhaps, may have accepted it if it was mentioned and negotiated when the plans were originally made but to suddenly announce that he would not be around all weekend would be a no-no.

Does he arrnge his own social activities and leave you out a lot?

tbh, I would either stay at my parents or maybe not even go at all, unless he cancelled his golf.

diddl · 09/10/2010 16:26

Well yes I agree that if you like them it would be easier.

But yes it´s the assumption that she would do it & than it´s her "duty" (can´t think of a better word atm) to see that grandchild gets time with all GPs-when it´s perfectly possible for him to be there-he´s just choosing not to.

Jeez, if he doesn´t want to spend time with his parents, why should he think his wife does-even if she does find them OK!

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