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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be crying my eyes out?

37 replies

Notyetamummy · 09/10/2010 01:37

and posting far too personal stuff on mn.

OP posts:
Alambil · 09/10/2010 01:39

yanbu

sometimes we need an annonymous outlet

wanna chat?

tallwivglasses · 09/10/2010 01:44

I'm here too for a while (work in the morning)

what's up, notyetamummy?

IMoveTheStars · 09/10/2010 01:45

wuh, of course YANBU.

What's up?

Original poster
Notyetamummy · 09/10/2010 01:45

Thank you, I'm sorry - I'm pathetic.

I've just been having bad health problems, had to suspend my final year of training and feel really alone - DH is asleep in the other room.

Also, all of the doctors keep saying that I should have a baby as that would realy help my health. Even the clinical sub-dean of the university said "We do have medical student babies, you know?"

I am happily married and broody (hence why I found my way onto mumsnet) but it's really not the best time for us to have a baby, and I wouldn't want one just for my health. I want to finish atleast my two foundation years of doctor training first.

My mother and grandmother had early hysterectomies due to the same problem, but they both had all of their children before they were my age.

I am terrified that if I don't have children soon it will be my fault if I'm infertile for postponing it.

I know it seems like a silly thing to worry about, but I don't want to mention these worries to any of my usual support network - hence I'm spilling all here.

OP posts:
Hedgeblunder · 09/10/2010 01:48

That's really really rubbish ((((unmumsnetty hugs))))
I'm in a fairly similar situation with pcos at the moment and quite young too and it is terrifying and is not th ideal time to start trying so I really do feel for you x

seeker · 09/10/2010 01:49

Maybe if you're broody it is the best time? Is that an unhelpful thing to say? If it is, I'm sorry - but I do think that our subconscious often tells us stuff that we ifnore at our peril.

IMoveTheStars · 09/10/2010 01:52

gah, how utterly shit for you :(

What a horrible decision. I want to give you my opinion but realise it might not be popular/helpful

ChippingIn · 09/10/2010 01:55

tbh if you do want children, then now might be your only time to have them :( The timing is never perfect and I would be going for the 'better early than never' philosophy on this one.

Sorry to hear abour your course :(

Original poster
Notyetamummy · 09/10/2010 01:59

I would absoloutely love a baby now seeker. I spend all of the time that I can looking after other peoples' dcs to try to 'quench' my broodiness thirst Hmm

One of my good friends has just had her third dc at med school and she is managing well, but she is a little more stable (environment wise) than me.

DH loves his job but it doesn't pay alot and I only have student loans etc. Also we don't own our house - it's rented.

All that I could overcome, however DH says he is not ready yet. He said that he wants the first one in 2 or 3 years which I suppose isn't that far away, but I have to make a decision next week about what sort of treatment to get and the options may affect my fertility.

Apparently having a baby makes the symptoms regress.

I woul want DH to 'want' a baby and be excited about it rather than just going along with it because of me.

OP posts:
IMoveTheStars · 09/10/2010 02:04

If you want a baby, and you want a baby now, and it wouldn't be a total disaster (by that I mean that you would work it out) then DO IT.

How old are you? I think you need to explain the medical implications to your DP, it doesn't sound like he really understands. Lay it on the line (without being all scary and all.. :) )

Hedgeblunder · 09/10/2010 02:05

For your dh understand that there might not be any dc's in 2-3 years time (god forbid)?

ChippingIn · 09/10/2010 02:06

What you would like 'ideally' and what the best thing is - aren't always the same thing.

Does he realise how serious this is - really?!

What if it was now or never (which it might well be) - what would he think then?

Honestly - I think you need to make him see how important this is to you, for both your health and your 'yearnings' & ask him which he would prefer - kids now or no kids at all ... (HUG)

PS: Lots of men aren't really excited about it beforehand anyway, for many it's a bit distant until they play football are born.

Hedgeblunder · 09/10/2010 02:07

I'm trying to drill that into my dp at the mo, they can be very naiive when it comes to fertility. My dp thought women could just bang kids out until 50!!

Original poster
Notyetamummy · 09/10/2010 02:07

I have a feeling that he just isn't quite getting the implications of the problem. Also, although we have a great relationship and talk about everything else I find it a really difficult to talk about this with him.

I don't know why.

I also worry that his ideas about having dcs are a bit deluded. He talks about playing games with them, building things, having an excuse to go to lego land and I'd be worried that if we had them he'd be overwhelmed with the amount of work that he doesn't seem to think that they are aswell. I think he just wants to be a kid himself.

OP posts:
IMoveTheStars · 09/10/2010 02:07

Men do find this kind of thing very hard to understand (IME)
Please make sure he knows the implications, he may not be aware!

Hedgeblunder · 09/10/2010 02:10

Fwiw I really do believe that when your body is telling you something you need to pay attention!

Glob · 09/10/2010 02:11

You can come back to your career later but you might not get this opportunity again with a baby. You will find a way with a baby. Even the most organised person's life is thrown upside down by a new baby.

Original poster
Notyetamummy · 09/10/2010 02:12

lol hedgeblunder.

Concentrating on typing has made me calm down and now the hysterics have gone I'm feeling a bit better.

Thank you for your comments.

I think that what I really need to be doing is talking to DH rather than you ladies - as lovely as you are.

I'm going to go snuggle up with him in bed now as he looks warm and show him this thread tomorrow.

I'm also going to persuade him to come to the appointment with the specialist next week with me as then he'll be more involved in the decisions.

Thanks so much for talking to me. It's just a little thing but it really makes a difference to just have someone reply.

OP posts:
Hedgeblunder · 09/10/2010 02:16

Aw, that's a really good idea-

notyetadaddy
please would you mind terribly impregnating your lovely wife so we can be ttc buddies together, I promise to take all responsibility when she is hormonal and will remind her that crying at burger king adverts is probably not normal.

Thanks.

proudnglad · 09/10/2010 08:25

Notyetamummy, I am grabbing your shoulders and looking into your eyes in a slightly alarming fashion and saying this: 'Do not wait to have a baby, have one now, it will work out, it always does, there is never (as others have said) a right time, don't risk it...talk to your dh and explain how you are feeling. And good luck my love'.

Consider your shoulders released.

whoneedssleepanyway · 09/10/2010 08:30

i totally echo what everyone says, there is never the "perfect" time, and in any event it may not happen straight away so it would well be a couple of years by the time you are actually giving birth IYKWIM....

i hope it all works out for you.

thumbwitch · 09/10/2010 08:33

hmm. For different reasons, I had to encourage DH to rethink his position on when he wanted DC - he wanted to wait until he was about 35 but I am several years older than him and pointed out that if we waited until he was ready, chances are it would be too late and we needed to crack on with it NOW. It took a couple of stiff talks and explanations of intricate female biology, but he did get it - and we had DS. So he had DS before he'd "planned" to - so what? He got used to it, was happy to be a daddy and wouldn't be without DS now.

Explain to your DH that, if you have to wait, your chances of having babies could be substantially reduced, possibly needing IVF and him having to wank into a cup. That might swing it for you...

notyetadaddy · 09/10/2010 13:45

Dear All,

Hello, how are you? DW has had a chat with me and shown me this thread. Also, she has explained the abbreviation system.

Before today, she hadn't really explained the full implications of what her illness meant to her fertility to me, and how bad she was feeling about it. Thank you for talking her into talking to me.

Now that I know what this means to the possibility of us having DCs in the near future, I agree with what most of you said - that we shouldn't wait. I do want children, and if it's a case of now or never, I'd definitely chose Now.

I will gatecrash her appointment with the specialist next week.

notyetadaddy · 09/10/2010 13:46

Also, looks like I'll get a chance to go to LegoLand sooner than I thought. Grin

ValentinCrimble · 09/10/2010 13:48

You must put your health before everything else! You sould have a baby now...it will be fine...I hope you feel better...Iunderstand these kind of worries and how they take over. Have your baby....be happy, the other things won't go away.xxx