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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to expect my DP to......

27 replies

emskilou · 08/10/2010 21:30

.........take the fact DSS (7) punched another boy in the face a little more seriously and discipline him?

OP posts:
memoo · 08/10/2010 21:45

YA definately NBU

AnyFucker · 08/10/2010 21:47

well, I dunno

since you don't detail how your DP has handled it

what do you call discipline ?

punch him back ?

what ?

bethjeff · 08/10/2010 21:49

Anyfucker I would be scared of the discipline in your house Wink

Step in the door with shoes on and BLAM get punched in the face

Serendippy · 08/10/2010 21:51

Also depends on your relationshop with DSS. Does he live with you? In which case, you should have a say in behaviour management. However if he lives with mum, she may be doing the disciplining.

More details needed before making a judgement (and make a judgement I will Grin)

Gibbon · 08/10/2010 21:52

Surely it's down to both of you? joint effort/singing from same songsheet and all that

AnyFucker · 08/10/2010 21:53

beth ?

you after a slap ? Wink

serendippy, precisely my point

InGodWeTrust · 08/10/2010 21:54

smack the little bugger.

ChaoticAngel · 08/10/2010 21:54

We need more information. What has your dp done? Has he done anything?

Original poster
emskilou · 08/10/2010 21:54

He gave him a new scooter and appeared to ignored the fact we got a call from the school and the other boy has a swollen eye. By discipline of course I dont mean punch him back! disciplining him for hitting with another hit doesnt make sense! I mean letting him know that what he did was very very wrong. He has no right to hit anyone, he has hit my children and I do not stand for it but I do not hit back, I like to treat all 3 children the same, equally. My DP seems to be scared to upset DSS. DSS can go into awful rages if he doesnt get his way or something or someone annoys him.

OP posts:
Gibbon · 08/10/2010 21:56

Ahhh hold on, apologies, have just seen this is your step son. Is there a bigger/ongoing issue you have here by chance. I don't mean that in a confrontational way btw.

InGodWeTrust · 08/10/2010 21:57

discipline the little bugger.

Original poster
emskilou · 08/10/2010 21:57

Apologies for the lack of details in the initial post, he does live with us. DP 'backs me up' with all decisions I make when it comes to all 3 children, to the point that sometimes I think I am the one in bad cop role but I have rules and want the best for my children DSS included and that means knowing without doubt right and wrong.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 08/10/2010 21:58

too garbled, sorry

still not getting it

Original poster
emskilou · 08/10/2010 22:04

DP has full custody of DSS, we all live together. DSS has punched a boy at school, I dont agree with the fact DP has given DSS a new scooter and seemingly ignored the fact that DSS has hit another child at school. I do not think DP should wallop him to discipline him but I do think DSS needs to be made aware of how wrong his behaviour has been. Is that clearer?

OP posts:
ChaoticAngel · 08/10/2010 22:04

Well what I got was that the op's dp seems to have ignored the fact that his ds has hit someone and has even given him a scooter.

The op does discipline her dss (as well as her own dcs) and is backed up by her dp but her dp seems to be afraid of directly disciplining his own son.

ChaoticAngel · 08/10/2010 22:04

x post

Original poster
emskilou · 08/10/2010 22:06

Yes Chaotic that is what I meant, I didnt realise I had made it so unclear, I am shopping for DDs birthday present at the same time as being on mn, you are lucky I didnt throw in a few lines about my little pony and polly pocket at the same time Wink

OP posts:
ChaoticAngel · 08/10/2010 22:11

So your dp is letting you be the bad guy when it comes to discipline.

I think that you need to sit him down (your dp) and tell him he's not doing his ds any favours by letting him get away with bad behaviour.

Serendippy · 08/10/2010 22:11

Delicate. If DSS lives with you, you should have some say in what is acceptable behabiour as it will affect you and your other children as well. How did the school deal with it? Some people don't believe in punishing twice so if DSS had a relevent and reasonable punishment from the school, your DP may think that it has been sorted.

Was the new scooter given for a reason? As long as it was not given as a reward for punching a boy in the face, I think it may be irrelevent.

This incident needs to be used to discuss how you are jointly going to discipline all your children in the future.

Mumcentreplus · 08/10/2010 22:12

Yes he needs to be disciplined..a new scooter is not discipline thats for sure..sounds guilt driven..but then DP might not give a damn Hmm

ChaoticAngel · 08/10/2010 22:19

Grin @ my little pony.

I don't know how you usually do things in your house but maybe you and your dp can sit down and discuss what you expect from all the dcs in terms of behaviour. Then talk to the dcs and tell them what you expect from them and let them know there will be consequences for their behaviour if they misbehave in any way.

If any of them do misbehave then you could discuss and agree on a suitable form of punishment/how you will deal with it and then carry it out, you if it's your dc, your dp if it's your dss but make it clear that you're both in agreement on whatever the issue is.

I know this op is about your dss but the above may help in the future. Hopefully someone who has some experience will be along in a minute.

However, after all that rambling, YANBU in expecting your dp to discipline his ds :)

Original poster
emskilou · 08/10/2010 22:24

At school he gets taken out of class and has to work with the head mistress in her office, they explain what he has done is wrong and why it is wrong etc. He used to have play therapy to work out his anger issues but they have stopped now he has gone into year 2.

A few weeks ago there was an incident at school where he hit my DC's on their heads with a stick, I went into the school and spoke to the head mistress, spoke to DP abpout it and he then said he thought I was demonising DSS and him. I tried to explain that I am not doing that but at the same time the DCs should not have to put up with DSS outbursts of anger.

I must add that he is not like this all of the time, he is an absolute little angel, when my DS (4) started school in September DSS couldnt do more to help DS and he made my heart melt how brilliant he was. But these outbursts are un-believable, he cannot seem to control himself when he gets angry. The punch was thrown today because the other boy didnt do something DSS wanted him to do straight away. But getting back to the point my issue is that this isnt being taken seriously enough by DP.

Oh and the scooter was a birthday present DSS bought with his birthday money, DP put it together after we got the call from the school (we both finish at lunchtime on a Friday and go to collect them all from school together). I explained that I didn't think he should have it today perhaps we could all go out tomorrow during the day together, he didnt get it straight after school but he got it when we got home after moaning about not having it.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 08/10/2010 22:24

what ChaoticAngel said

I think she interpreted it better than me

Original poster
emskilou · 08/10/2010 22:26

Thanks Chaotic nice to hear (whilst looking at polly pocket and marvelling at how bloody small Polly's dog is, blatantly going to get lost or eaten within 3 minutes of it being opened) that I not out of my mind unreasonable :)

OP posts:
Original poster
emskilou · 08/10/2010 22:28

Thanks Anyf, I do tend to waffle rubbish at times Wink

OP posts: