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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want to tell my friend she's not so great, she just got lucky?

39 replies

chocolateladybird · 08/10/2010 19:55

Oh blimey, just had a friend round whom I love but who spent the whole time telling me how wonderful her 11-year-old DD is, how she has always been the easiest child ever, how she never ever had a tantrum as a toddler, how everyone is astonished at her loveliness. In her view this is down to the fact that her child felt unconditionally loved by her.

Then she remarked on how demanding my DD1 (3) is (true, to be honest).

My friend went back to work 6 months after giving birth and her DD was in full-time nursery from then on. My friend's career has gone from strength to strength. Whereas I have pretty much given up on mine to look after my DD.

I guess I feel - very childishly - like somehow it's not fair - she gets the great job and the 'perfect' child, while I have no career left to speak of and my DD, though of course the loveliest in the world to me, is undeniably 'challenging'. But is this just sour grapes on my part?

OP posts:
scurryfunge · 08/10/2010 19:57

Can you really blame your lack of career on your child?

Ragwort · 08/10/2010 19:57

Say nothing ........ her DD is heading towards her teenage years .......... Grin.

AnyFucker · 08/10/2010 19:57

yes, sorry

Rollmops · 08/10/2010 19:58

Yep. Sour they are. However, onwards and upwards and all that.

RiverOfSleep · 08/10/2010 19:59

Don't say it... Thinking it is fine though!

I agree re the teenage years looming. Give me a stroppy toddler any day!

rubyslippers · 08/10/2010 20:00

yabu and mean

You made a choice (I assume) to give up your career and she didn't

It's frigging hard work to juggle a full time job and young children, and it isn't luck imo

If you feel you are missing out, then look at returning to work

nancydrewrocked · 08/10/2010 20:01

"Perfect" 11 year olds tend to be the ones drinking vodka out of the bottle and lying about their whereabouts and the inappropriate boyfriend when they are 14 Wink

Don't of course say this...or that she got lucky but remember it and don't worry.

Northernlurker · 08/10/2010 20:02

So your 'friend' has made choices, stuck with them, worked at her career and produced a secure and pleasant child - and you think that's not fair? Ok then.....Hmm

IMoveTheStars · 08/10/2010 20:03

11? She's clearly blanked out forgotten the toddler years. I'm sorry, but EVERY toddler has days when they're difficult, 'perfect' or not.

agree with everyone else about teenage years. Your DS will be coming out of toddlerness when her DD is screaming at her and slamming doors. :)

DetectivePotato · 08/10/2010 20:04

YABU. Your friend was insensitive and a bit smug saying what she did, hopefully she will soon realise there is no such thing as a perfect child. She didn't just get lucky though. She may have wanted to spend more time at home with her DD but didn't because she needed to work. You chose to give your career up to look after your DD. You sound very bitter.

Goblinchild · 08/10/2010 20:05

Yabu, but she is a very tactless woman to pass any sort of negative comment about your child.
She wasn't given anything, she just made different choices to you.

Original poster
chocolateladybird · 08/10/2010 20:05

Northernlucker - I agree that my friend has done a great job, clearly. What I though maybe wasn't fair was her implying that I had messed up or that I didn't love my child unconditionally, because my child hasn't turned out as well as hers (her implication). Surely this kind of comparison shouldn't be made explicit when you visit a friend?

OP posts:
rantyknickers · 08/10/2010 20:07

My sister maintains that her children never had tantrums and were always beautifully behaved.

Really not true Grin

brassband · 08/10/2010 20:08

you know it might well be the opposite.Her DD always has to be on her best behaviour because she is so desperate for her mother's approval and love
while your DD can let rip with you because she feels secure in your love.

SolidGoldBrass · 08/10/2010 20:09

There is a certain amount of luck involved, though. It's only people who have only one child which happens to be an amenable, cheerful, healthy one who think it's all down to their superior parenting. As many a smuggo has found out when their second or third child, parented with just as much unconditional love, organic purees and lifetime ban on fruit shoots and softplay, turns out to be an uncontrollable little beast.

Spero · 08/10/2010 20:11

I just cannot understand why people do this, brag about their own achievements I mean. AND then point out how you have failed in their eyes.

I mean really, WHAT can they hope to achieve other than to upset/piss you off?

Even if it is true, or rather especially if it is true, you shut up about it and wait for someone else to congratulate you for the great job you've done. She may have done a great job, she may have had a child with an easy temperament and she's a bit smug, I don't know. Either way, she is clearly lacking in emotional intelligence and should not have said what she said if she is any kind of friend.

I have a friend a bit like this - her daughter eats anything, mine is picky. I found out from my mum that said 'friend' had a conversation along the lines of 'o I'm so worried about [my] daugther, she looks so pale and peaky! She doesn't eat anything!'

Absolute cock by the way, my daughter may be picky but she is perfectly healthy.

I think people like this are just trying to bolser their own self esteem. There is no other explanation as to why they seek to big themselves up at another's expense.

So I don't think yabu, although you might not be accurate.

dittany · 08/10/2010 20:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Serendippy · 08/10/2010 20:16

I agree that there is a lot of luck in raising an easy child. However, there must be some degree of parenting involved. Taking it the other way, if a child is spoilt, argumentative and aggressive and their parents are the type to ignore aggressive behaviour, endulge their every whim etc. most people would say that the parenting has contributed to the outcome.

I cannot comment yet as DD is only 1, but from what I have seen some parents are very lucky with children and some work very hard at raising children with the morals and values they respect. Some parents don't.

Original poster
chocolateladybird · 08/10/2010 20:17

Thanks for the views. I should say, in case that wasn't clear from my OP, that this is not about working mothers vs SAHMs. I am a working mother myself (just not very good at combining the two, putting in the extra hours needed to be really successful, unlike my friend). I guess it's more about me feeling inadequate in EVERY area of my life, and that I'd like be to able to say 'At least I'm making a good job of being a mother.'

OP posts:
MakingRisotto · 08/10/2010 20:19

she is perhaps being tactless and smug, I can see why you're peeved. But don't say anything!

At 3 and 11 respectively it is far too young to judge how they have 'turned out' anyway - long way to go yet!

SerialMom · 08/10/2010 20:20

YANBU. Some children are just easier than others, it's down to personality and temperament and there's little you can do about that.

Plus children are always most naughty for the people who love them unconditionally, as they know they can be naughty and you'll still love them. That's why you get children who are as good as gold in nursery / school but little horrors for their parents when they get home.

LadyBiscuit · 08/10/2010 20:20

Our children are partly to do with us but an awful lot is them. I always think this of parents who boast about exceptionally clever children like it's something to do with them. So by the same token, if you have a child with SN, that's presumably your doing too. It's largely rubbish.

having said that, she has worked hard for her job and you can't begrudge her that, but really you can't compare an 11 year old and a 3 year old in any event.

mamalovesmojitos · 08/10/2010 20:20

yab a bit u

she may be a bit smug, but maybe you are feeling a bit sensitive too. let's face it, eleven year olds are much easier work than three year olds. you see your friend happy, working and confident and perhaps you would like that too. maybe you should try and make something positive out of this situation and look at your own life and if you're happy.

btw as another poster said working full-time and bringing up a child is bloody difficult and is certainly not luck. that's actually a slightly offensive thing to say.

finally, maybe her daugher never did throw tantrums? mine, honestly, never did. she was as good as gold BUT she didn't manage a full night's sleep for years.

Doodleydoo · 08/10/2010 20:22

We all have friends with the perfect child who does fuck all wrong - mine has a very perfect child (her words) and yet she seems to be quite controlling and shouty iyswim. (Don't touch that, nothing smaller than a football near a 3 yo incase she swallows it Hmm blah blah)

My daughter is also picky, but has now chosen to eat a variety - chicken, cucumber, yoghurt, toast, bread, chips but that pretty much covers it.......... hers does all the liver and everything so its always such an effort to feed my child. (This is apparently my fault as I didn't hand mush all my food and used pouches when out or on holiday when she was smaller......incidentally her nanny made all her food.)

She works and has started her own business, I work pt and have no career progression whatsoever.

She has two houses

I don't

I know who a) is happier, b) who is more confident around her children, c) who's marriage isn't quite so volatile (but it works for them, even the shouting in public at her dh which I am not so keen on...)

I know she envies my life and therefore puts me down. I do sometimes wonder why she is my friend, but she does this to all our mutual friends. (She is also one to play one against the other in a very childish game of who is my best friend as a group of 3 of us, myself and my other friend don't do this as obviously we are comfortable and happy with our friendship too - and the fact that both our children can be little monkeys but love playing with each other - but both find playing with her dc a bit awkward Confused)

Don't sweat it, as on a tangent my sil doesn't never ever break wind! Grin - whereas I am not sure I can say the same!

Onetoomanycornettos · 08/10/2010 20:24

Oh, it definitely is luck, at least partly. I had a friend with one very well-behaved child. At the time my two were fairly wild lively, and I felt the comparison only too much. My friend then went on to have another, completely different and much more challenging child. However the difference between my friend and yours is that mine was tactful enough not to mention it when she had one good child, and didn't run down my parenting, hence I was less smug (only a tiny bit, honest) when her second turned out, well more like my normal but feisty children.

Your friend is being tactless and gloating in a not very pleasant way, it's not for her to boast about her child. YOu are perhaps a bit sensitive about your choices, you should have a bit more confidence in them. Who knows what the future holds for any of us, even for her and her probably very delightful daughter?

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