to want to tell my friend she's not so great, she just got lucky?

[chocolateladybird]

Oh blimey, just had a friend round whom I love but who spent the whole time telling me how wonderful her 11-year-old DD is, how she has always been the easiest child ever, how she never ever had a tantrum as a toddler, how everyone is astonished at her loveliness. In her view this is down to the fact that her child felt unconditionally loved by her.

Then she remarked on how demanding my DD1 (3) is (true, to be honest).

My friend went back to work 6 months after giving birth and her DD was in full-time nursery from then on. My friend's career has gone from strength to strength. Whereas I have pretty much given up on mine to look after my DD.

I guess I feel - very childishly - like somehow it's not fair - she gets the great job and the 'perfect' child, while I have no career left to speak of and my DD, though of course the loveliest in the world to me, is undeniably 'challenging'. But is this just sour grapes on my part?

BTW - meant to say don't say anything - you have a friend with an 11 yo, cultivate as if she is a brilliant child she will make a pretty good babysitter too.

But your child's temperament is almost entirely 'luck' or 'chance' or whatever... me and my brothers, same gene pool, same environment, completely different people and the differences were manifest at a very, very early age (mum says from birth)

Bringing up a child and working full time is not so hard provided you have spare cash to throw at all the logistical problems. BUT that presupposes you have a child who can cope with outsourced childcare etc. Mine can, and she is fine. But that is my 'luck', not because I'm such a great mother. She actually gets more 'mothering' from other people as I have worked full time since she was very little. So should I be praising my child minder for the brilliant job she's doing???

Still think your friend sounds like an insecure arse, so presumably she is not doing such a brilliant job or she wouldn't need to justify it quite so crassly.

I really wouldn't worry-the perfect DC can be hell when they hit the teenage years and those who have been difficult can have worked through it by then. What I have found is that you just can't tell-there are some real suprises! You may get the last laugh!

My DS (he is almost 4) was a perfect baby, no bother at all, slept so well.

I have to be reminded that he had reflux, I agonized over how much milk he had. He cried an awful bloody lot in the evenings. He had to be held to sleep and then carefully placed in his cot.

He is now demanding, shouty and generally bossy like any almost 4 year would be.
He drives me mad sometimes.

Im sure when he is 11, I'll be looking back on him at the age he is now and I will still describe him as perfect, little angel, so helpful etc etc.

It's just what some people do and say isnt it?

Frankly if that was the bulk of your friends chat you are justified in feeling hacked off. Sounds like boasting to me. Never an attractive trait.

She sounds rather boring too tbh.

Don't they say pride comes before a fall?

YANBU

I was about to post what nancydrew said - still time for it to go wrong so no need for her to be so smug

Reminds me of a friend of my sister's saying her baby DS was such an easy baby because he was sooooo wanted, erm - my friend's baby girl was also sooooo wanted but that didn't stop themn having a year of hell with colic, reflux etc - there is a lot of luck involved

I was a bit smug about DS1 (now 5) but my DH reminds me now & again what he used to be like... and he is brilliant now. DS2 does tantrums, disturbed sleep, you name it... still he is only 3 and has SN. At the end of the day no-one's perfect... except your friend's daughter, of course!

I have a pretty amazing 11 year old. She was a total 'mare when she was 3 though I think they are meant to be really challenging at age 3; I suspect your friend has a selective memory

Your friend is rather crass but TBH your lack of career is nobodys' fault but yours. Also, she may have just got lucky with a lovely, placid, malleable child...who is hurtling towards her teens....

Firstly, in my opinion, you should NEVER big up your own child like that, (he never does, he's always perfect) it WILL come back to bite you on the arse!
Secondly, if the child has been in full time Childcare since she was six months old, her mother hasn't had that much input into her behaviour, has she.

If the child really hasn't ever had a tantrum she must have been spoilt to buggery.

Well, I sometimes think that some other mothers I know have more peaceful characters, and that is why their children are calmer and more settled (whereas my DS is a handful, as I'm more prone to getting cross and not feeling guilty about it, etc.).

But he is mine, with both his tempers and his great engagement with the world, and it would be denying myself to deny him.

That isn't to say we can't try to be better people, but it is important to love an imperfect child, because that is the way s/he is.

I also agree wholeheartedly with those who have said that your friend (who is being rude to boast so about her child) may have forgotten just a little bit about the toddler years!

Does this help?

YANU. She made her choice and you made yours. But remeber her DD is 11 and yours is only 3. All 3 year olds are demanding at ti,es and your DD will probably stop being so demanding as she gets older. Also remember that your friends DD is going to be a teenager soon

she is probably feeling insecure about the fact that you have not made the same choices that she did (i.e. going back to work) so feels that she has to justify it by going on about how great her DD is. Reminds me of my SIL who will go on and on to anyone who will listen about how completely unaffected her kids have been by her divorce (I'm not saying they have been particularly affected by it, but she will fit it in to any conversation!)

Just rise above it, smile and nod