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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not tell DP that his sister might be ill?

34 replies

beaker25 · 08/10/2010 14:08

DPs mum has told me that his sister is having some tests at the hospital today to investigate after a couple of irregular smear tests. She has told me that my DP doesn't know, and asked me not to tell him. DPs sis also doesn'y know I know (I think.) Obviously the tests might be fine. I'm not sure what the likelyhood is of there being a problem after two abnornal tests.

I'm not sure why his mum told me but I feel awful knowing and not saying anything to DP. Him and his sis are twins and very close. I'm also close to his sis and would like to be able to be supportive if she needs me, but can't really until I'm told officialy. I also don't feel I can tell DP because it's not my problem to tell. I really wish I didn't know! I don't usually keep secrets from him, and it's upsetting me not be able to tell him. I'm also an incredibly bad liar, if/ when he finds out I think he'll be able to guess I knew, and might be upset with me that I knew this and didn't tell him. I think I'd be upset if the situations were reversed, and he knew something about my family but didn't tell me.

I don't know whether it's worse to keep this secret from him, or worse to let him know even though I've been asked not to. Both of them feel like a horrible thing to do.

OP posts:

FoghornLeghorn · 08/10/2010 14:11

Doesn't help you at all but I always refused to keep anything from my DH so if anyone has anything to tell me, it has be OK for DH to be in the loop too.

Obviously things that don't affect him are fine but anything that affects him i wouldn't keep a secret

ihearthuckabees · 08/10/2010 14:13

Your DPs mum was wrong to ask you to do this. You should have said that you wouldn't keep it from your DP, as this was unfair on him.

If it was me, I'd tell him (I knew a family secret of my DP's and didn't say anything for ages, but in the end told him, because it was just so unfair on him that he didn't know while everyone else did).

I don't like secrets

Original poster

beaker25 · 08/10/2010 14:14

Foghorn, I'm quite simlilar really. Had his mum said first 'Please can I tell you something about Dps sis, you mustn't tell him'
I wuld have asked her not to tell me. She just sent it an email though.

OP posts:

prozacfairy · 08/10/2010 14:15

It isn't your news to tell. Dp's mum probably doesn't want to worry him so hasn't told him for that reason. She may only have told you because she needed to confide in someone about how worried I assume she is.

DirtyMartini · 08/10/2010 14:16

It was wrong of her to ask you, and your loyalty to him outstrips your loyalty to her I think, so I would say you should tell him.

Not healthy for couples to have secrets like this. If she brings it up just say, look, I'm sorry but we just don't keep things from one another like that.

SlightlyJaded · 08/10/2010 14:18

I wouldn't tell DP. His sister will have results soon and then you can deal with it as a family if need be (irregular smear tests are quite common though).

His mother shouldn't have put you in that position, but like Prozac said, she probably just needed to confide in someone.

Comfort yourself with the thought that 'there's nothing to tell yet'

DirtyMartini · 08/10/2010 14:19

prozac: but if so, the MIL has made a very poor decision about who to confide in and has put the OP in a really unfair position. If she needed to confide in someone but didn't want her son to know, why on earth choose his partner as her confidante? And not even giving the OP a chance to explain this, but just emailing .... no, sorry, it may be as you say but that doesn't make it a good idea to carry around this secret that's so uncomfortable and worrying.

I wouldn't keep something serious from my DP under those circs.

Meow75 · 08/10/2010 14:23

E-mail DP's mum and tell her that when the time comes she MUST make it clear that you were maintaining a confidence and that if he should be angry with anyone, it should be her.

My dad told my husband of 24 hours that my mum's cancer was terminal 15 minute before we went on honeymoon for a week. Poor DH was mortified, but kept my dad's confidence for 5 years. I was, and still am, angry with my dad

bonnymiffy · 08/10/2010 14:27

Your MIL may have thought that it's not something DP would want to know as it's a women's health issue, particularly as it "tests" don't always mean "problem". But I don't think she should have told you though.

FWIW I had three irregular smears in a row and was then referred to hospital where I was told there was nothing wrong at all.

Original poster

beaker25 · 08/10/2010 14:27

I haven't replied anuything specific to his mum yet, apart from sending a text to her to say 'hope everything is ok and I'm thinking of you both'

I'm thinking it might be an idea to reply to the email and ask her to let me know test results when she can, and also make clear that I don't like being in this position! The tone of the email was very matter of fact. Sort of 'I won't be around this weekend as going away to visit daughter because...' he didn't phrase it as something that she was worried about, or that I should worry about. But I am worried.

OP posts:

prozacfairy · 08/10/2010 14:28

Unfair maybe but I don't know how I'd feel if I was worried sick about my DD awaiting test results due to an irregular smear.

I wouldn't tell my DP if I was OP because it isn't my news to tell. And DP never need know I already knew before him so what's the harm? Anyway there's nothing to tell yet so you could upset DP over nothing.

DirtyMartini · 08/10/2010 14:28

Mind you, we have an extremely strong anti-secrets rule; we have had people in DP's family (no longer in touch with now) who relied on manipulation of others by withholding information and drip-feeding it as they saw fit, and it has been very damaging. So DP and I figure the best way to fight that bullshit is to make it a personal principle .

My kids are going to hear full disclosure on every damn thing in an age-appropriate way as they grow up, so that they never have to think "I can't believe mum and dad never told us ..."

musicmadness · 08/10/2010 14:28

I wouldn't say anything to him to be honest. Your MIL was wrong to tell you but if his twin sister hasn't mentioned it to him she clearly doesn't want him to know about it for the moment. I don't think its fair on her if you tell him. If I was in the sisters position I'd be pissed off at MIL for telling you and you for telling DP if I didn't want people to know. Make it clear to your MIL she must accept responsibility for you not telling DP if/when he finds out though.

Original poster

beaker25 · 08/10/2010 14:29

I meant to say she in my post. DPs mum is definitely a she!

OP posts:

DirtyMartini · 08/10/2010 14:33

Prozac, "what's the harm"?

I think the harm is that it breaks down trust, at the very least. Potential harm: much greater, depends on the secret really, and on what happens later.

I guess I'm in a minority.

As for "not her news to tell", that's just kind of meaningless. She has been told something serious that affects her DP's much-loved twin, FGS. If he later finds out she knew and is upset that she kept quiet, should she primly say "it wasn't my news to tell, DP"?

OP: I very much hope it all comes to nothing, whatever you decide, and that the tests are fine.

Original poster

beaker25 · 08/10/2010 14:37

Thanks everyone! Some really mixed opionions which completely matches how I feel about this.

If dp did find out I'd already known, I think he'd kind of uderstand. His mum has form for being a bit strange with stuff like this!

Does anyone know how long test results might take? Perhaps if I think about it some more, the test results might arrive anyway and then I'd know what was going on at least.

Usually, the person I woud confide in about something like this is DP. My RL friends are also friends with his sis, so I can't tell them, so getting some other perspectives on here has been really valuable!

OP posts:

QuizteamBleakley · 08/10/2010 14:37

Can't you just leave the 'puter open with the email on it, then gently guide DP to it? That way, technically, DP found out by accident.

For me the hardest thing would be not being able to contact SIL to give support.

Hope all goes well BTW

Original poster

beaker25 · 08/10/2010 14:42

I feel terrible for his sis, I wish I could say/ do something for her. Ultimately, the situation is worst of all for her, so I suppose the most important thing must be to not do anything that would add to her upset. If she doesn't want him to know, maybe the most important thing is to keep to that?

OP posts:

Original poster

beaker25 · 08/10/2010 14:47

Dirtymartini your attitude to relationships really matches mine I think. DP and I are very clear that we don't keep secrets from each other, it's really important to both of us.

I think DP will at some point find out I knew and didn't tell him, which will cause problems for us, but hopefully DP will understand if I don't tell him? he knows me so well, I'm pretty sure he'll work it out at some point (if he ever finds out that is!)

Argh, I keep taling myself round and round in circles.

OP posts:

DirtyMartini · 08/10/2010 14:48

I don't know, I can see that side of it; I just feel really strongly that I would hate to know something about DP's family that he didn't know himself. It would feel really wrong.

If she doesn't want him to know, quite probably she doesn't want you to know either. But you do. His mum broke her confidence. I just see it as, telling me = telling my DP about almost anything I can think of (I say "almost" because someone is bound to make a suggestion that goes against this that I'll end up taking on board).

So really, if the "secret" gets to your DP it's because his mother let it out of the bag, not because you did, IMHO. Don't be trapped between them as the one trying to contain the situation. It isn't fair or healthy.

DirtyMartini · 08/10/2010 14:49

xpost with your last.

Have to run and check on the baby, wish you luck sorting out what you'll do.

Original poster

beaker25 · 08/10/2010 14:53

Thanks dirtymartini!

OP posts:

ChippingIn · 08/10/2010 15:11

I think you need to take a few deep breaths.

2 irregular smear tests can quite easily mean nothing at all.

Email your MIL, tell her to please let you know as soon as she has some news as you are now worried about SIL. Also let her know that you don't keep things from your DH, you aren't happy to do so, but will this time until you have more information, but from now on, if she doesn't want your DH to know, she's not to tell you.

From what you have said, I'm sure your DH will be OK with you keeping this to yourself for a few days until your SIL knows where she's at.

If I was your SIL I wouldn't be too chuffed at my Mum telling anyone! and would rather you then didn't tell my brother as well.

prozacfairy · 08/10/2010 15:24

I really don't see the big deal tbh. It's an irregular smear "FGS" which could be something... or nothing to worry about at all (lets hope).

If DP's sister wanted to tell her brother about stuff that she might actually really not want her brother knowing about (it's lady things after all- I wouldn't personally tell my male family members unless the results had come back with bad news). It is DP's sister's news to tell him when she wants to. You could really upset her by saying anything. I don't get the whole thing at all dirtymartini.

ToniSoprano · 08/10/2010 15:36

Totally agree with DirtyMartini - no secrets between spouses - your primary relationship is with your DH not with your MIL !

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