To not tell DP that his sister might be ill?

[beaker25]

DPs mum has told me that his sister is having some tests at the hospital today to investigate after a couple of irregular smear tests. She has told me that my DP doesn't know, and asked me not to tell him. DPs sis also doesn'y know I know (I think.) Obviously the tests might be fine. I'm not sure what the likelyhood is of there being a problem after two abnornal tests.

I'm not sure why his mum told me but I feel awful knowing and not saying anything to DP. Him and his sis are twins and very close. I'm also close to his sis and would like to be able to be supportive if she needs me, but can't really until I'm told officialy. I also don't feel I can tell DP because it's not my problem to tell. I really wish I didn't know! I don't usually keep secrets from him, and it's upsetting me not be able to tell him. I'm also an incredibly bad liar, if/ when he finds out I think he'll be able to guess I knew, and might be upset with me that I knew this and didn't tell him. I think I'd be upset if the situations were reversed, and he knew something about my family but didn't tell me.

I don't know whether it's worse to keep this secret from him, or worse to let him know even though I've been asked not to. Both of them feel like a horrible thing to do.

2 irregular smears is pretty common and usually means nothing at all, sometimes it can mean 'pre-cancerous cells' which can be removed relatively easily/quickly, and that's why they do smear tests to start with, to pick these things up before they are a big problem.

I probably wouldn't tell DH in this case, as to me, having been through it myself, and having plenty of friends who also have, it would really be something I consider fairly routine and not 'newsworthy' to be honest.

Having said that, I would not keep any secret from DH that made me uncomfortable, despite what had been asked, as we don't keep secrets from each other, and it's not for anyone else to decide what level of honesty is appropriate for DH and I in our relationship. I don't tell him every detail of everything everybody says to me, but I tell him what I feel I want to based on how we manage our relationship.

I suppose another factor here might be whether you think your DP will panic and worry and blow it out of proportion, through maybe not understanding that this is quite routine.

D

PS Am sorry as I realise this may sound like I'm minimising what your SIL may be going through. But this for me would not be a reason to worry yet, it would be a reason to get further checks just to be sure, as she is doing.

I put because I think that when people say "where's the harm" about keeping small secrets or telling small lies with the best of intentions, it's like a hostage to fortune. It's exactly the kind of thinking that comes back to haunt you later.

Look, I know and have said that I do have a bit of a thing about this, and I can see that in this case where the tests are hopefully not going to lead to anything worrying, it may all be moot anyway. Hope so.

But prozac, I think we just see it really differently. You keep saying it is the sister's news to tell, but the cat is already out of the bag. The OP has been told, even though she didn't ask, and instructed to keep it a secret from her partner. To me, that isn't a request I could comply with and anyone who failed to check that with me before landing a secret on me would have only themselves to blame.

I think the waters are being muddied here by the fact that the seriousness of the "secret" is so hard to gauge; if the MIL hadn't made it an issue of secrecy, the OP might not have even thought to mention it to her DP (because, as has been pointed out, there is no real news as yet), and she wouldn't be in this situation. It was only the "don't tell him" thing that created the problem.

I'm sorry if I offended you, prozac. I do get het up about this issue.

I wouldn't keep something like that from DH, and tbh his family would know better than to ask me to.
They all love a bit of the 'cloak and daggers' as DH and I refer to it, and were a bit taken aback when I came along and refused to play ball.

I think I would e-mail MIL back and say 'I'm really uncomfortable keeping this from DP, I will tell him what's going on, unless of course you want to do it yourself in which case let me know and I won't say anything until you have spoken to him'

It is v.bad to start mixing your loyalties I think, but telling your MIL before you tell DP shows that you are at least considering her feelings on the subject.

I agree on the whole with you Dirty Martini, the whole 'don't tell DH' just sits badly with me. Whatever someone has told me, I don't ever want to be in the position of having to watch my words or watch what I said or potentially looking guilty or blushing and lying to my DH. I know that sounds a bit dramatic and or course might never happen, but I can imagine it could. Even an innocuous comment from DH like 'Wonder why Mum's gone to DSis's, she was only there a fortnight ago', would make me feel squirmy. I don't want to feel like that with my husband in my own home.

That's not the way we operate, and I can't imagine ever being like that and wouldn't ever put someone else in the position of being like that in their relationship.

I was utterly gobsmacked when a friend said 'sorry I hope you don't mind I told DH you were pg' in the early part of this pregnancy. It wouldn't cross my mind to be bothered. We were only telling one or two close people but it wouldn't occur to me that one half a couple could know and the other not.

D

If it's fairly routine then that makes me feel better. I wasn't really sure myself how serious it actually is. If I did tell DP he wouldn't make a fuss or anything. I had a simialrish type of scare myself last year and he was supportive but perfectly calm about it. he grew up just with his mum and sis so he's not weird about 'womens problems' or anything like that.

I think for now I'll keep it to myself, and wait until I hear anything else about test results before doing anything else.

On a completely side issue DPs mum told me fairly recently that she thought he had diabetes, and please could I make him get a test. She also asked me not to tell him! The mind boggles as to how I would have gone about 'secretly' getting a diabetes test for him. In that instance I ignored her as it was just so bizarre, but perhaps I need to set some boundaries with her! She's a nice lady but can be rather odd!

deliaski the wathing my words thing bothers me too. E.g dp will want to phone his mum and sis this weekend as they have some other complictaed stuff going on between them at the mo.

I'll be wanting to warn him off bohering either of them at the moment, but it'll be hard to think of a reason why! I am such a blusher as well- it totally gives me away!

If they are close as you say, she'll probably want his support.
Asking to keep a surprise party is one thing, but something like this, I don't know how you can keep it from your DP, and I really don't get why his mum thinks he shouldn't be told.

If you've only recently got the email and haven't since spoken to her, send her one back, or ring her and tell her that you can't possibly keep it a secret, and give her the option of telling him herself, or you'll tell him!

(and irregular smear is more likely to be nothing, so try not to worry)

beaker - please, you are seriously over thinking this. She has had two irregular smears - that is all - you are treating it like she's been told she has cancer - she hasn't. If you have never had an irregular one yourself I can understand your initial concern, but many of us have told you that you are worrying over something you don't need to be.

Just curious--did you then tell DP about the diabetes concerns of MIL ?