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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is my sister being a selfish cow?

53 replies

SelfishButJustified · 08/10/2010 14:01

I have name changed.

I'm currently just over six weeks pregnant with my first baby after nearly two years of trying. This is a Clomid baby. My sister has a DS who is 18 months. Her and her DH want another baby and have been saying for ages that they will start trying in October to aim to be pregnant by the end of the year.

Only, she just told us that actually, they decided to try earlier and, like last time, they got pregnant on their first try and are now 5 1/2 weeks pregnant. We are usually very close so alongside everything is the hurt that she decided not to tell me that they were going to try.

Clearly this is because she knew I would be unhappy. I know I'm being selfish, but I feel she is being completely selfish. Once I went on the CLomid I was either going ot get pregnant quickly, or not for a long time so it wouldn't have been hard for them to wait until their original plan of October. And of course, it's not up to me to dictate when she has a baby, but I honestly don't understand why she couldn't wait those extra two months.

Instead, while I'm trying to enjoy the whole first baby thing, I will have to do it entirely in step with her. With all the natural comparisons that will come from that from how we're feeling, to how big we are, to how quickly the baby comes etc. And then once our babies are born, there will be all the comparisons there too - who sits up first, who walks first, who talks first etc. My sister is very competitive so I have no doubt this will happen.

I just feel very upset because when she had her first baby as we don't have any other family nearby I was 100% there for her. I cooked and shopped and took off work to help her and her baby and I was there before, during and after. And our mum came to help too and was 100% focused on helping my sister and her baby. But now, I won't get any of that. She won't be able to help me the way I helped her because she'll be dealing with her own newborn. And our mum will have to split her time between us.

Please don't tell me I'm being selfish because I know that I am. But I feel I have the right. But she has been so selfish and dishonest towards me I feel it could intrinisically damage my relationship with her forever.

OP posts:
fearnelinen · 08/10/2010 14:05

YABU sorry. Sit back and enjoy it. As it's her 2nd, I'm sure she'll find a way to be there for you...and as for the comparisons between babies, you'll all grow out of that in time.

mumeeee · 08/10/2010 14:07

Your sister is not being selfish. She didn't tell you because she did not want to upset you.
I had my first baby 4 months after my sister had her 2nd, It was fine we live about 100 miles apart from each other so couldn't be there personelly much of the time.
We just helped each other out when we could but mostly we just got on with it.

sheeplikessleep · 08/10/2010 14:08

YABU, she's not being a selfish cow, she's just living her life. Try not to let it bother you, put it (your reaction) down to hormones and enjoy your pregnancy and your news.
Congratulations by the way.

FiveGoMadInDorset · 08/10/2010 14:09

No

NestaFiesta · 08/10/2010 14:09

YABU. The timing of your sister's baby is between her and her DH, not her family and siblings. Its not her fault you have had trouble getting pregnant or that this is your first pregnancy. I am saying that last bit as there seems to lots of resentment in your post.

You can be miserable about it or embrace the fact you will have an ally throughout forthcoming pregnancy and baby woes. If you can't adjust the facts, you'll just have to adjust your attitude.

Good luck and massive congratulations.

AliceInHerPartyDress · 08/10/2010 14:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sheeplikessleep · 08/10/2010 14:11

My sister has one daughter, another DC on the way, I have two DSs, both young. It's actually lovely, cos no one else is interested in hours of talk about nappies, concerns, sleep moans etc etc as someone who is also going through it all at the same time.

SheWillBeLoved · 08/10/2010 14:11

Why are you letting it damage your relationship with her? What a wonderful thing to share together. I'd absolutely love to be pregnant at the same time as one of my sisters!

Put a positive spin on it, for your own health and sanity.

MrsMellowdrummer · 08/10/2010 14:11

I think that actually you are looking at it in a very glass half empty way.

It could be so nice for your children to grow up together being so close in age. They'll have loads and loads of things in common, and there could be a fantastic relationship there for them, particularly as they grow older.

You and your sister could also be an enormous support for each other, in many different ways.

Maybe she didn't tell you because she didn't really think it would happen so quickly. Many people conceive very quickly the first time, and then take ages the second time.

Lulumaam · 08/10/2010 14:11

i am so sorry you feel like this

although i understan, you cannot expect your sister to alter her plans for soemthing as big as having a baby , to please you

what difference does it make, in reality, they were going to strt trying in october, so really, it would have not made tht much difference..

i think it could a lovely thing to be pregnant the same time and have each other for support

both pregnanices are special, not just yours

AgentZigzag · 08/10/2010 14:12

I'm not sure I would equate your sister not telling you the very private info of them ttc with the traditional idea of dishonesty.

It was kind of dishonest, but about something which has nothing to do with you.

I can completely see where you're coming from, but I think you're going to find it really difficult and perhaps ruin what should be a happy time in your life, if you don't find a way of seeing this positively.

It's not that you'll be eclipsed by her, you can share things together, and she'll be able to support you better if she's done it before.

I know it's not as simple as this, but you're going to have to get your head round it, what else can you do?

prozacfairy · 08/10/2010 14:12

YABU but I don't mean that in a horrible way. Like fearne said it's your first baby so it'll still be all new and exciting for you wheras your sister has done it all before so not really the same.

I know it must be hard but try look at the positives. You have someone close to share it with who knows exactly how you feel. And your DC's will each have an instant best friend. Smile

lal123 · 08/10/2010 14:14

How on earth was your sister to know that she would be pregnant at the same time as you? Was she meant to wait until after you'd had your first baby to start trying for hers? You of all people should know that it takes time to have a baby - just because she fell pregnant quickly with her first didn't mean that she would with her second.

Rather than seeing this all as a competition you should view this as an opportunity to go though this wonderful experience with your sister.

fearnelinen · 08/10/2010 14:14

I fell pg at the same time as my brothers wife and DH's sister (so 2 SIL's). I lost my baby at 25 weeks, both SIL's went on to have beautiful babies. I had to hold my new nephew and niece and coo over them just weeks after burying my daughter.
I then tried again the folowing year and fell pg fairly easily. SIL aso did - I was shocked and felt justified in my selfish response (I was just like you Smile) and I avoided her. Then when my baby was born at 30 weeks and she was very sick, the family rallied and I realised there is room in a family for many babies, many pregnancies, many mothers and many fathers. Her baby was born just as mine was coming home 10 weeks later. They are best of friends now, inseperable (although my DD is far cleverer and pretty than her DD Wink). Every pregnancy from start to finish is different, what matters is at the end there is another person in your family for everyone to love. Enjoy it, honestly, in the end this won't matter.

Original poster
SelfishButJustified · 08/10/2010 14:14

You are all being very gentle in your YABUs so thank you.

I know I'm selfish. But I'm still upset. I wouldn't have minded if she was just a few weeks behind even, but to be neck and neck is going to be hard - she is very competitive, believe me! And I am not going to get the help and support she did when she had her first baby. And sure, perhaps that's just tough for me. But I can't help resenting it.

OP posts:
lal123 · 08/10/2010 14:16

Why won't you get the help and support? I certainly found that people are generally less helpful/supportive with a second. You need to get over this and enjoy your pregnancy

macdoodle · 08/10/2010 14:16

Yabu and a tad of the spoilt brat

AliceInHerPartyDress · 08/10/2010 14:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

fearnelinen · 08/10/2010 14:19

OP - Please sense the humour in a bit of my last post. I've re-read the OP regarding our competitive sister...I WISH all mums could just realise that MY babies are the best looking, cleverest, funniest, nicest smelling e.t.c. TO ME! And that YOURs will be TO YOU!!! It doesn't matter how close you are to your DS, she WILL think her baby is best and you will have to disagree...it's nature and it's good!

escapologist · 08/10/2010 14:19

To be honest, she'll probably be the one going without help and support because your family are more likely to think she knows what she's doing.

In any case, you aren't necessarily going to be 'neck and neck'. It isn't a race! The babies could be born as much as 5 weeks apart without either of them being premature. 5 weeks is a long time with a newborn.

AgentZigzag · 08/10/2010 14:20

The only way she can be competative is if you run the race with her.

If you sort out your 'all babies are different'/'it wouldn't do for us all to be the same' lines beforehand, and refuse to play the game, I'm sure she'll soon get bored of it.

If she doesn't be nicely firm about it, that it's not a competition and it makes you feel uncomfortable with her keep treating it as such.

Everything will be fine Smile

Could it be that you're focusing on this to block out all the other millions of things you worry about when you're pregnant? I found I did this a lot.

Original poster
SelfishButJustified · 08/10/2010 14:21

Fearn- I loved your post. It made me cry and smile at the same time. So don't worry that I didn't get the humour.

OP posts:
SheWillBeLoved · 08/10/2010 14:21

Chances are your mum will want to help you out more with it being your first.

A lot of people have no help whatsoever with their babies, they cope, you will too. You can't whinge that she is going to get more attention than you, it's childish and silly.

You're going to finally have a baby! You'll regret it forever if you let this ruin your first pregnancy.

perfumedlife · 08/10/2010 14:24

YABU but you know that anyway. I agree with the others, it will be company in a way, and the cousins will have a close bond perhaps growing up. Try to see the positives.

I don't think your sister can be blamed for TTC when she did, it could have taken a long time, how was she to know?

My dh proposed a few in Feb, 10 years ago. We wanted to marry fairly soon after to ttc after the wedding. My little sis was getting married in May, a massive wedding, planned for years. I really didn't want to step on her shoes, same as the way you feel here. But we decided to marry one month after her wedding, in a really small, casual wedding, so there was no possibility of comparisons. Sister was happy, parents were happy, we were happy. Ok, I know you can't change the conception date, but perhaps you can vow to learn things from your sister's experience, take some tips on board, and enjoy experience. It can be a bit scary as the date nears, she will be a good help to you then.

And lets face it, you WILL get more attention, it's your first child. Congratulations Smile

Weegle · 08/10/2010 14:27

It's not a race! There's nothing neck and neck about a pregnancy...

I understand both 'sides' to this - I suffered secondary infertility (which isn't rare, so understand your sister shouldn't have waited for any reason) and conceived DC2&3 (twins) on clomid. I also spent my first pregnancy only 11 days different with my sister (both first pregnancies). You will still be given time and support if your family is that way inclined, it won't be taken away. And in time you'll realise there is something extremely unique and wonderful about having cousins born so close together.

Really, your sister has done NOTHING wrong here, you need to work out how to let go of the negative feelings so you can actually welcome this, see it as the positive thing it is.

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