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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is my sister being a selfish cow?

53 replies

SelfishButJustified · 08/10/2010 14:01

I have name changed.

I'm currently just over six weeks pregnant with my first baby after nearly two years of trying. This is a Clomid baby. My sister has a DS who is 18 months. Her and her DH want another baby and have been saying for ages that they will start trying in October to aim to be pregnant by the end of the year.

Only, she just told us that actually, they decided to try earlier and, like last time, they got pregnant on their first try and are now 5 1/2 weeks pregnant. We are usually very close so alongside everything is the hurt that she decided not to tell me that they were going to try.

Clearly this is because she knew I would be unhappy. I know I'm being selfish, but I feel she is being completely selfish. Once I went on the CLomid I was either going ot get pregnant quickly, or not for a long time so it wouldn't have been hard for them to wait until their original plan of October. And of course, it's not up to me to dictate when she has a baby, but I honestly don't understand why she couldn't wait those extra two months.

Instead, while I'm trying to enjoy the whole first baby thing, I will have to do it entirely in step with her. With all the natural comparisons that will come from that from how we're feeling, to how big we are, to how quickly the baby comes etc. And then once our babies are born, there will be all the comparisons there too - who sits up first, who walks first, who talks first etc. My sister is very competitive so I have no doubt this will happen.

I just feel very upset because when she had her first baby as we don't have any other family nearby I was 100% there for her. I cooked and shopped and took off work to help her and her baby and I was there before, during and after. And our mum came to help too and was 100% focused on helping my sister and her baby. But now, I won't get any of that. She won't be able to help me the way I helped her because she'll be dealing with her own newborn. And our mum will have to split her time between us.

Please don't tell me I'm being selfish because I know that I am. But I feel I have the right. But she has been so selfish and dishonest towards me I feel it could intrinisically damage my relationship with her forever.

OP posts:
fearnelinen · 08/10/2010 14:31

Stop crying woman, your hormones are raging...now, forget about the anger and start drooling over baby catalogues!

timetomove · 08/10/2010 14:37

Our DD1 (first child) has a cousin 4 days younger than her who is a 3rd child. Finding out that SIL was pregnant did not in any way make our pregnancy less special, to us or anyone else. The children love being so close in age and are great friends. People do make comparisons - it is part of life - because they are interested. Parents of twins manage to deal with this!
The reality is that even if people were going to make more negative comparisons, they would do so even with a 2 month age gap (they would still be in the same year at school etc).

Original poster
SelfishButJustified · 08/10/2010 14:44

You're all right about cousins being close in age and how great that is. I can see that, yes.

I think I'm going to wallow a little longer and then get over it.

I'm also, because I do know my family, going to be prepared to fight my corner because they will of course mean to be supportive and helpful but because I am less bossy and less likely to "organise" them, there is no doubt in my mind that my sister will decide how things will be and they will fall into that. So if I want things a specific way, I'm going to have to get prett vocal as they'll all do what DSis thinks I wants rather than asking me first.

OP posts:
greygirl · 08/10/2010 14:57

just think of how your sister will feel when you are all 'neat bump' and fashionable while she is in 2-3 yr old mat clothes recycled from last time, a small child smearing snot all over her and a massive bump (because the second time you get massive almost straight away). you'll get to feel like a supermodel! Grin

and think of the spa days you might be able to go on together!

Firawla · 08/10/2010 15:19

I don't think your sister has been selfish at all. Yab absolutely totally U but I think you know that deep down. As others have said, this is the situation now you need to look @ the positive side. and really your objections are very childish and selfish, i hope you dont let on too much about these feelings to your sister as it could be quite hurtful and she has actually done nothing wrong. you need to pull yourself together and be happy for your sister and look forward to your own baby without worrying about this. Im sure you will get help from your family if you want it, it doesn't have to be either her or you, they will care about both

diddl · 08/10/2010 15:30

Look at is as a positive thing-cousins close together.

Also, don´t let the fact that your sister had help with her first make you begrudge her having help again if she needs it more than you.

Squitten · 08/10/2010 15:32

I think you have a choice - you can either allow your first pregnancy to become all about your sister's baby, or you can refuse to be dragged into any kind of competition and just enjoy what you have.

You sound like you are already setting yourself up to be defensive against your sister and it might be completely unnecessary. You have both only been pregnant for 5mins - give your sister a chance! You have a way to go yet and who knows what may happen between now and 40wks to either of you.

Being pregnant with a toddler is not fun (as I am discovering right now!) and it's not the big excitement that it is the first time around. You need to both support each other here.

diddl · 08/10/2010 15:38

Being pregnant with a toddler is not fun (as I am discovering right now!) and it's not the big excitement that it is the first time around.

Oh I have to disagree with that I´m afraid.

Squitten · 08/10/2010 15:41

Which? The fun or the excitement or both?

I may just be feeling sorry for myself and my sore pelvis at the moment... Smile

StealthPolarBear · 08/10/2010 15:47

I was due at the same time as DH's cousin - due on the same day but as it happens they were both about a week late and came 13 hours apart. I thought the coincidence was amazing and I love the fact there's another little girl in DD's close family who shares her birthday and most of her name :o (they are both "A ")
However it was my second baby and her first and I really hope I didn't take the shine off for her :(

LittleMissHissyFit · 08/10/2010 15:48

"Instead, while I'm trying to enjoy the whole first baby thing, I will have to do it entirely in step with her. With all the natural comparisons that will come from that from how we're feeling, to how big we are, to how quickly the baby comes etc. And then once our babies are born, there will be all the comparisons there too - who sits up first, who walks first, who talks first etc. My sister is very competitive so I have no doubt this will happen. "

If your sister were so competitive, she'd have told about being PG and bugger the consequences.

You are BU and coming across as being WAY too self absorbed. People don't talk about being PG mostly until the magic 12 wks.

Your babies, cousins will grow up together, she as a 2nd time mum can offer you all the help and live comparison with her baby as you BOTH go through the mummy experience together. She will be able to tell you what worked and is working for her for swollen feet, back ache, heartburn, restless legs, nausea, so don't scupper that vital source of information before you even really start being PG!

You need to take a step back, re-read what you have said and see how you appear. If you want help with your baby, ask for it, but if your sis needs help - and who wouldn't with a toddler in tow too - then be realistic, offer all the help you can give, if able and be grateful you have the luxury of being able to focus on one child.

Sorry to sound harsh, but this is your first baby, GET OVER YOURSELF, and RELAX and enjoy it for goodness sake! This time will never happen again and if you mar it with petty jealousy/resentment, whatever the shit that is, you will never forgive yourself.

Come on girl, enjoy your moment, as you may have thought, given the effort it has taken to get this far, this day may never have come at all, so enjoy every second!

Congratulations! You are going to be a MUMMY!! Grin

Enjoy the journey with your sis, no two pgs are alike, so celebrate the difference! This whole experience, if you let it, could very well be the making of your relationship!

diddl · 08/10/2010 15:50

Well I found it just as exciting to be pregnant the 2nd time & certainly didn´t find it difficult just because I also had a toddler.

CerealOffender · 08/10/2010 15:50

congratulations on your pregnancy!

yes yabu. really you need to snap out of this. it will be lovely having a cousin the same age and you can help each other out alot when they are older.

diddl · 08/10/2010 15:57

OP-forgot to say congratulations-and yes, snap out of it, otherwise you will waste your time thinking about your sister & "what ifs" instead of reveling in your pregnancy.

thumbwitch · 08/10/2010 16:15

Going to go against the flow here and say that while YAB a bit U, I can understand your feelings. Is she your older or younger sister, btw?

So she already has a baby, and for whatever reason is now pg at the same time as you when she said she wasn't going to try until October. It rather depends on your mum how unreasonable you are being, I think - if your mum is going to bow to your Dsis's wishes, then YANBU because you are likely to be overshadowed a little, not least because she already has a little one who is going to need someone to look after him/her while mummy is having the baby. I hope your sis has a MIL who can and will help out!

Of course you want your baby to be special in its own right, and it will be. But to you and your DH primarily - as it should be. If your sis is as competitive as you say she is, and more, if she is actually very self-absorbed and wants things all her own way, then family birthday parties are potentially going to be an issue later on as well - so I can see your point.

but no, she's not being a selfish cow exactly - she couldn't necessarily have known that she would fall pg at the same time as you.

However, I do agree with the rest that it is up to you how you handle the situation as it stands - focus on your own pg, remember that everyone has a different experience and that no two pgs are alike, even for one woman they can be different. So it doesn't matter who puts on more or less weight, who is more or less sick, who glows and who doesn't - it's not relevant. Ditto when it comes to the birth. And there is still the potential for them to be born a good way separate - if one of you is early and the other late, it could be weeks! Be happy in your own pg and enjoy it. Congratulations! :)

LouMacca · 08/10/2010 16:19

Sorry but YABU.

Once your baby is born you will forget all the bad feelings you have because the love you have for your child is unbelievable. Please don't let these feelings spoil your pregnancy. Oh and congratulations!!

Northernlurker · 08/10/2010 16:25

There's a good chance you'll end up giving birth weeks apart. I was due on the same day as a friend. She was too weeks early and I was two weeks late.Our daughters are a wole month apart!Don't let yur selfish feelings spoil this magical time - you're having a baby Smile How great is that!Grin

jennymac · 08/10/2010 16:38

Me and my SIL were pregnant at the same time. My second baby and her first and I've never wondered before now if she felt that I had stolen her thunder (especially as I announced my news when I was about nine weeks and she waited till she was 12 or 13 weeks). The babies were born 2 days apart and they are now 2.8 and there has been no competitiveness so far. I loved being pregnant at the same time as her, and agree with others that it is a special thing to share so try to relax and enjoy it!

mememe30 · 08/10/2010 16:39

If I were you I'd be pleased that you might get less 'help' from parents. It often isn't that much real help and you can enjoy your much wanted baby all to yourself!!!!!!

There will always be someone comparing, whether its a sister or someone you meet at antenatal classes. You have to learn to ignore it and remember that your child is of course the best!!!!!

diddl · 08/10/2010 16:42

Agreed, it could be that you don´t need/want help & just want everyone to leave you alone with your baby.

fedupwithdeployment · 08/10/2010 16:54

I was a little bit Hmm when DB and SIL (who had a 6 month old baby) came to see me one day and asked if I had any news..."yes I said, I am 6 weeks pg!" They said, "Fanstastic, so are we!" I had been trying about 6 months and DH had been away a lot, so it had been a little stressful (but not a big deal).

DS and DN were born 4 days apart...I won! And it is great fun. DN is seriously competitive and is really annoyed that his cousin beats him to his birthday every year. Hey ho!

Enjoy your pg and chill out!

Headbanger · 08/10/2010 16:58

I completely understand. YABU, but reasonably so.

I am the youngest of a large family. I have 10 neices and nephews. I have been TTCing for 10 months, with no joy. Recently, a sister became pregnant with her fourth. She very sweetly enthused that she wanted me to get pregnant ASAP, so that we could share everything together. I was overwhelmed with a very childish and sour sensation, that all my siblings had had their time of being special, and the focus on the family, and that I wanted my turn. I knew I was being unreasonable. I still am. But the feeling is there.

good luck with everything. I hope everyone makes the most enormous fuss of you and your baby. Many, many congratulations to you! Smile

ApricotWorms · 08/10/2010 17:33

You know you are BU but it's good to vent when you're having a hormonal mardy.

When her baby is born and looks like it fell out of the ugly tree while your is the most perfect child ever conceived in the whole history of the universe you'll laugh about this (she'll also be laughing because she won't see that her baby looks like the Pilsbury Dough Boy - none of us do)!

Original poster
SelfishButJustified · 11/10/2010 09:51

Thanks all. I'm feeling much calmer and happier now and appreciate the (mostly) gentle reminders that I was being a hormonal PITA. Grin

I still have concerns about plans being made around me, but DH and I will simply tell them if their plans aren't convenient for us and we are prepared for that.

Thanks again and I'll go back to being my normal, sensible self who is thrilled whenever one of her siblings announces a new arrival!

OP posts:
bigchris · 11/10/2010 09:59

You're both only six weeks pregnant ?
I didn't tell anyone until the 12 week scan!