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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think that if I give a friend some hand-me-downs, she shouldn't be selling them on ebay

34 replies

norflondoner · 08/10/2010 13:06

She's not that broke - just very thrifty. But to be honest, if she doesn't want/need them I had rather expected she would pass them on to some one else.

AIBU?

OP posts:

MaudOHara · 08/10/2010 13:07

I would have expected her to at least ask if you wanted them back before putting them on ebay - seems bit cheeky to me

HowToShoutSoHusbandsWillListen · 08/10/2010 13:08

Hmm, I'd say if you didn't make it clear that you wanted them back then she has every right to dispose of them as she sees fit.

Did her DC wear them first? If not, I admit I'd be a bit but suspect I would be BU too.

coatgate · 08/10/2010 13:08

Wow - that is really cheeky! What is wrong with a charity shop?

nickytwotimes · 08/10/2010 13:09

she should've asked you first.
yanbu

ssd · 08/10/2010 13:11

YANBU

don't give her another thing and let her know you know what she's been up to

Chil1234 · 08/10/2010 13:12

YABU. Conditional giving is not an attractive trait..... Do you stipulate what people do with your Christmas presents?

terryble · 08/10/2010 13:13

Hmm, we had this thread a few months ago, from the other person's point of view.

Consensus seemed to be that a gift was a gift, and you could do what you liked with it, otherwise it wasn't a gift. I mean that you can't set conditions on it, like.

I personally pass on our out-grown clothing if I was given it first. (To a charity shop or local pro-life pregnancy advisory service.)

NestaFiesta · 08/10/2010 13:13

YABU. I tried to give my cousin some barely used, spotlessly clean babygrows once. She examined them, and gave them back to me, saying that other people are giving her stuff. I felt so hurt. I would have preferred it if she had taken them, pretended to be pleased and discreetly done whatever she liked with them, ebay included. Giving soemhting back to someone can feel like a rejection to them.

Also. once you give something to someone as a gift, it belongs to them and it is up to them what they do with it. If you still want to be in chrage of the items, then say you are only lending them.

BigOfNoorks · 08/10/2010 13:13

She shouldn't have sold them but How the fuck do you know she has?

PanicMode · 08/10/2010 13:14

I think you are being a little bit U - if you gave them to her with no strings, then it's up to her how to get rid of them when she's finished with them isn't it?

(I understand how you feel though - I gave my Powertwin to a friend because we weren't having any more - when I found out we were having a very surprise number 4, I asked her if she'd finished with it and was told she'd given it to her local charity shop...I was initially because they are going for £200 secondhand here, but then realised I didn't really have a right to be because I'd handed it over quite happily!)

VinaApsara · 08/10/2010 13:17

YANBU to be upset and I think I would probably be slightly miffed too but you'll just have to take it on the chin if it was an unconditional gift.

FallingWithStyle · 08/10/2010 13:22

I dont think passing on used baby clothes fits the same criteria as gift-giving actually.
Yes, if you give a gift its up to the receiver to do with it as they see fit - but passing on baby stuff to a pal is more of a helping-out kind of thing, doing a good turn, trying to ease their load a little.
To just sell the stuff is very rude imo, someone gave that to help you out but instead you think Nah, I'll make a bit of money off it.
No, not on at all.

minipie · 08/10/2010 13:24

YANBU, I'd be miffed, but not sure there is much you can do now.

I agree with Falling

(though actually I think it would also be rude to sell an unwanted gift, but for different reasons).

FallingWithStyle · 08/10/2010 13:25

...and also a gift is just given on the whim of the giver - passing on used items is discussed isnt it? so if not something you want you would just say no thank you.

Hedgeblunder · 08/10/2010 13:26

Yanbu - this one always splits people but I think it's pretty poor manners, I think baby clothes should do the rounds of friends/relatives for as long as they last. I think it's pretty hard faced otherwise

DaemonBarber · 08/10/2010 13:28

Hmm...

A gift is a gift so YABU.

But then again, If I didn't need the hand-me-downs in the 1st place I would have either passed them on, or asked you to give them to somebody who needed them so YANBU.

ValentinCrimble · 08/10/2010 13:28

I always think it's a bit odd if someone offers you the use of their baby stuff...clothing included and adds that they want them back when you're finised...I mean..why hand them over then? I wouldn't mind...if I give clothes away it's because I can''t be bothered to Ebay them....so why should I moan if the recipient does? I gave them....up t her to d what she wants with them.

dandydorset · 08/10/2010 13:34

dont think its right to sell them,thus making profit which i assume was meant to help out the friend

though i suppose you could say by ebaying the profit did help the friend out

Original poster

norflondoner · 08/10/2010 13:41

I guess it never occured to me that she wouldn't pass some of the them on to others if she didn't want them. That's what I would do and I expected the same from her.

Her dc are using some of the items but she quite openly told me she's selling a load of stuff on ebay and some of the items are included. I was flabbergasted and didn't really say anything at the time.

I guess, as Vina says, 'll just have to take it on the chin for now.

OP posts:

terryble · 08/10/2010 13:41

I think part of the problem why posters can be hurt at ebaying of their old stuff is because it was of too great a sentimental value for them to sell it themselves. But they liked the thought of it being used by a friend's child.

Am I on the money here?

NestaFiesta · 08/10/2010 13:42

I shamelessly ebayed some new outfits that BIL had given our DS as a gift. He bought age 0-3 months and gave them to us when DS was in 12 month clothes. I wrote a thank you card, then discreetly sold the items and used the ebay money to buy something in the right size for DS.

This was less hurtful then handing them back to him and saying "can't you buy the right bloody size? He is nearly one!" (Which i secretly felt like doing).

Original poster

norflondoner · 08/10/2010 13:47

terryble - Yes! I think you've hit the nail on the head: I gave a whole bag of things to charity but separated these one out to give to her. I guess its because I really like them and wanted them to be used by dc that I knew or passed on to others who would appreciate them as a gift (not just impersonal items bought in a charity shop).

OP posts:

Geocentric · 08/10/2010 13:48

I know the feeling - once I went into a local 2nd hand store and found my sil was selling a dress I lent her DD. Tbh, she is really scatty and I'm sure she just forgot who had given it to her (and that it was only lent).

I bought it back and next time there was a family get-together I dressed my DD in it... (she never said a word, though, so I don't know if she even noticed it was the same dress!!!)

prozacfairy · 08/10/2010 14:21

My sister's SIL did this. Sister gave her loads of stuff not just clothes and her SIL sold the lot on ebay after she had finished with it.

Wouldn't have been so bad but at the time it went on sale she knew that my sister was 5 months pregnant with her 2nd DC and could really done with getting that stuff back! The icing on the cake was when my sis told SIL she was put out by this her response was: "Oh. Well feel free to bid on it." and Cheeky cow.

anyabanya · 08/10/2010 14:29

'Feel free to bid on it' ??!!!

Flipping heck, what a nerve.

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