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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Nits - a rant about DH

28 replies

Lovecat · 07/10/2010 18:22

Backstory - I have been involved in a play which has been taking up most of my evenings for the last 3 weeks. Consequently I haven't seen a lot of DD or DH.

DH takes DD (5) to school and I pick her up. DH gets her ready in the mornings as I have to leave the house at stupid o'clock in order to get out of work on time to pick her up. Part of the routine of getting her ready is to spray her head with Nitmix as a preventative measure - there seems to be a perennial nit problem at her school and we've found this is the only thing that keeps them at bay.

A fortnight ago I examined her head as she was itching and discovered she was riddled with nits. I mentioned this to DH, he confessed that he hadn't been spraying with Nitmix as 'it's a faff and she doesn't like it'.Grr. So I buy in quantities of Lyclear to deal with the immediate problem and ask him to apply it. It's the 10 minute stuff.

I take her swimming the following Sunday and she is STILL crawling with nits. He didn't do it. Too much hassle, apparently. I do it, and comb out with the nittygritty comb, remind DH that he will have to reapply it in 5 days to catch any eggs that I missed, ask him to make sure that he does spray her, as she hates being nitty far more than she hates the spray, and continue with the play.

Last night I picked her up and saw a great fat louse crawling over her head. She's riddled with them again. He hasn't f-ing well done it again, nor, on questioning DD, has he been spraying her head. Nor has he been bathing her (thank Christ she gets showered at her swimming lessons).

AIBU to imagine that if I were to go under a bus tomorrow poor DD would be lousy, filthy and stinking within a week? Gaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

OP posts:
Hedgeblunder · 07/10/2010 18:26

What an idiot!!!

YaddahYaddahYaddah · 07/10/2010 18:35

Does he wash himself or is it just his child he can't be bothered to care for?

SleepyCaz · 07/10/2010 18:36

I'd be totally livid. YANBU at all.

cory · 07/10/2010 18:39

You say he is supposed to spray her with nitstuff as part of her daily routine. I thought there were health implications to doing this, or is this some special stuff that you can use longterm. Certainly, the stuff we got from the pharmacy carried a warning that you should not use for more than a few weeks, so would have been livid if I had found dh using it regularly. Twice when you find nits, but after that just the comb is what I thought.

Anenome · 07/10/2010 18:50

Idiot! Rub his pillow with nit eggs.

Hedgeblunder · 07/10/2010 19:21

Agree with anemone-wipe the nit comb alllll over it

thesecondcoming · 07/10/2010 20:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mumcentreplus · 07/10/2010 20:22

hmmmm..

MNTotoro · 07/10/2010 20:24

I cant understand why you arent doing it tbh.

Your DH is an idiot but if you know he is not to be relied upon then you need to make the time and do it.

In the meantime give him a checklist and make him tick things off as he does them if you arent happy.

Your poor DD.

proudnglad · 07/10/2010 20:38

Men don't do nits. Fact.

ApocalypseCheese · 07/10/2010 20:53

Eh ?? Ave you moved out or summat ?? A lousy child wouldnt even get beyond my front door, so yabu and just as responsible for your child infesting others!!

(personal bugbear of mine)

Mumi · 07/10/2010 22:19

"He hasn't f-ing well done it again, nor, on questioning DD, has he been spraying her head. Nor has he been bathing her (thank Christ she gets showered at her swimming lessons)."

YANBU. Presumably (as you haven't said he refused) he agreed to do this - or at the very least didn't raise any objections so that you could make alternative arrangements.

I am appalled that he is completely unconcerned about his DD's comfort. Is he aware that presenting a child at school unwashed and with head lice can be factors in them flagging up neglect with Social Services?

"i assume you are seeing your daughter- can you not just do it."

I've just read this which was linked to on another thread - for housework, read childcare.
OP's DH is effectively saying:

"I've got nothing against sharing the housework, but you can't make me do it on your schedule."
MEANING: Passive resistance. I'll do it when I damned well please, if at all. If my job is doing dishes, it's easier to do them once a week. If taking out laundry, once a month. If washing the floors, once a year. If you don't like it, do it yourself oftener, and then I won't do it at all.

mummyofexitedprincesses · 07/10/2010 22:37

Your DH needs to do more but I think you need to find some time to spend with your daughter, it sounds like you rarely see her and she needs you, just to take care of her basic hygiene needs to start.

LittleMissHissyFit · 08/10/2010 09:20

Sadly, Mumi, I fear you have a point.

It's an extreme version of the if she asks me to do anything, i'll make such a hash of it, she won't ask me to do it again.

I'll never understand this DH mentality, the poor child is suffering, he knows what he has to do to prevent it, but won't cos he resents being asked to co-parent? WTF?

My DS dad is just the same, BUT when he discovered that DS had come into contact (on his watch) with a child with s HUGE running cold sore, he was the first to march poor old DS to the chemist, buying all sorts of rubs and potions to ensure DS didn't get cold sores.

Lovecat, YANBU, anyone that allows their own child to suffer in anyway cos they can't be bothered really is in the wrong.

For those of you that are even suggesting at pointing the finger at OP, SHAME ON YOU! Lovecat is entitled to be involved in a play that is time consuming of her evenings for 3/4 weeks. It's not like Lovecat is on her own, and it's not like it's a surprise to her DH that she is busy of an evening. Her H is well and able to look after his daughter, but is shirking very important care issues here.

Lovecat, has he resented your hobbies/interests in the past?

ApocalypseCheese · 08/10/2010 09:45

I can honestly say I wouldn't even contemplate taking up a hobby which left me so little time with the babybells I couldn't even sort their farking nits out !!

And yes the ops husband is being a lazy arse but if he won't take responsibility for his childs discomfort the op should and make time if they have to. I know i've had to keep my two off school for a good de lousing session ?? Maybe that's the answer ?? Bloody selfish all round imo.

kreecherlivesupstairs · 08/10/2010 09:53

I would be furious with my DH if he had behaved in the way yours has OP. OTOH, he did take her to England a couple of years ago for a week and she proudly announced that she hadn't had a bath in all that time.

Original poster
Lovecat · 08/10/2010 10:44

Well, thank you Mumi, LMHF and others for getting it...:)

I was posting in extreme exasperation that it's always me who does the shit work when it comes to DD. He's not all bad, he will at least put a wash on for her clothes when I'm busy (normally he does his own but won't touch ours).

I did amdram before I met him, I fully intend to carry on doing it, selfish or not - he goes off for weeks at a time to Europe on business, I do this. We are a partnership and (theoretically!) we share OUR daughter's care. Is that so unreasonable? Obviously to some of you...Confused

Apolcalypse Cheese, if you read the OP properly you would see that THE MINUTE I noticed her nits I dealt with them. My mistake was obviously expecting my husband to act like a responsible adult and not another child, and see to the follow-up treatment.

Those of you who are kindly concerned about our spraying DD's head daily, it's not a nit treatment, it's a repellant - essential oils of geranium and something else, diluted by 10 drops to 250ml of water. No nasties. Seems to keep the beasts at bay.

LMHF, he never used to resent it, but since DD came along there has definitely been a 'you're never here' attitude on his part (which is laughable given I'm not present in the latter part of the evening for about 60 days a year... the other 305 days obviously slip his mind!). Re. the nits, I think because he doesn't get them (no hair!), he isn't bothered...:(

T

OP posts:
TattyDevine · 08/10/2010 11:11

"And yes the ops husband is being a lazy arse but if he won't take responsibility for his childs discomfort the op should and make time if they have to"

She did make time, when she realised her DH didn't.

Are we in the 1950's or is this his child too? Is she just supposed to shrug and say "never mind dear, despite our agreement, I'll do it?"

FFS Hmm

LittleMissHissyFit · 08/10/2010 11:38

Sorry, but since when is it ever acceptable to be told to pick up the slack cos DH can't be bothered?

This is not do her hair in nice little bunches, princess ringlets with a tiara and feathers.

This is spray the poor girl to prevent her being infested with blood sucking little parasites.... WTF?

"My mistake was obviously expecting my husband to act like a responsible adult and not another child, and see to the follow-up treatment."

Lovecat, you are not wrong there. What this man is doing is called NEGLECT. I'd be livid.

But stepping in and saving the day, and while Lovecat did do this, actually enables this disgusting behaviour. Which is what he wanted all along, because his wife has an interest outside of the home.

Read him the riot act Lovecat, tell him marriages break up through resentment, and as he is entitled to his life outside of the home, so are you.

terryble · 08/10/2010 11:42

I'm almost figuratively speechless.

Your husband cannot be bothered to do some extra care for his daughter for a couple of months?

The other poster who mentioned social services being contacted for lousy, dirty children is probably right. I certainly consider allowing disgusting parasitic insects to suck a child's blood neglectful in the extreme.

As for it being a faff: much of looking after young children is a faff. Teaching infants to feed themselves is a faff, for example, but most parents of non-SEN children manage it! I think the fact that you have managed to deal with the nits when you saw him, even though you are incredibly busy at the moment completely shows him up for a lazy, disgusting waste of space. He could have done the rest of the treatment perfectly well. He didn't even have to go and buy the materials.

Apologies if I'm coming on a bit strong (I mean, the man must have some redeeming qualities) but I'm so disgusted at people who allow children to suffer.

Nits are very, very unpleasant.

terryble · 08/10/2010 11:43

When he saw them, sorry.

LittleMissHissyFit · 08/10/2010 11:43

It's very easy to be an apologist for men, it's so easy to not let them do anything cos they are crap at doing it. But many of them do this on purpose, because they think they are entitled NOT to do the DC stuff.

If we all throw up our hands and say, oh well, H is crap at this, that and the other and can't spray the poor girls head once a day to repel nits etc etc, what is this teaching our daughters, or worse, our sons?

My 'H' (for now... circumstances) in reply to my comment of him not doing anything for DS, says that he was not born with tits so therefore it's not his job... Angry

Correct me if I'm wrong but you don't need tits to do ANY of the child care.... My milk never came in, so my tits may as well have not been there... didn't stop me doing literally everything for the last 5 years did it?

terryble · 08/10/2010 11:45

Oh, and by the way, please inform him that there are working, single parents who manage to bathe their children, and keep their hair free of tiny blood-sucking insects.

And I myself can bathe two children at once, when my husband's out having some free time.

LittleMissHissyFit · 08/10/2010 11:46

OK, all of you that say OP should do more,s tay home etc etc....

PLEASE Go click on OP's pics, take a look at that little cherub smiling away

and then ...

Imagine her scratching her little scalp, crawling with creatures cos DH can't be arsed to spray once a day, bath her or care for her cos his wife is busy in a play....

Now tell us all how Lovecat is in any way to blame for this.

coraltoes · 08/10/2010 11:57

Not only is the nit issue worrying...but he only does HIS OWN washing??!?!?!?! wtf ? my DH has his failing (totally blind to mess) but he would never ever be so selfish as to segregate his washing from mine. How odd.

As for all you ladies saying the OP needs to change her hobbies...uh no...she rightfully thought her DH would SHARE responsibility like any partner ought to. She does not have to sacrifice her entire time just because she has a child...mums have a right to a life outside of the home too, just as much as a dad does. Clearly in this instance the dad resents it!